I sneak a glance at his face as his fingers dance across the strings. A smile began to carve his face as the note turns into a happy melody. It felt wrong inside but, I soon realise I had been smiling too seeing his. Internally, I was fighting with my loyalty towards the one man who'd bring me joy and happiness. Despite the ups and downs we were the sand and waves of the ocean. Deeply trying to convince myself that being loyal to my man was the right thing to do. Snapping myself out of my dilemma, I diverted my attention into learning the chords scattered across the paper. Keeping myself in focus while, fighting to find composure with my trembling fingers. In attempt to copy his fingers I find myself intrigue by his life decisions instead. This was wrong, all of this was wrong on my behalf. Soon, I had complained that the hours were too long when within I was fighting to get out the door as soon as possible.

Pushing the last glass door I didn't realise that I was barely breathing trying not think more than I should. Why are these questions lingering around in my head? Why can't I stop thinking of a possibility? What possibility am I expecting? 

Almost a Tactile Memory

Almost distant as it was so close to the heart before. Now, that stranger occupies the chamber by the fondest memory that grew along the vines of love. Touched by a single memory and reminded by the flowers that, only blooms from a presence otherwise, hidden behind the shy leaves. Remembered them well enough in memory. That surged of electricity forcing hate as a makeshift to conceal the excited heart. A stranger whom, learned the language of dawn followed by the passing seasons before professing his own adoration. The garden that withers only awaken by the appearance of the stranger. What was thought to be a phase turned into a journey. That garden bloomed for the first time when spring approached.

Everything became accustomed yet, the flowers still decorated the garden. No butterflies other than the constant pace and the intangible gleam resurfacing over the calm river. Should it have fade? or was it the heart's deception in toying the emotions before it was stabbed straight by the true meaning of love. There was no harm rather than the absence of thrill being missed.

*Written at 4.00a.m wanting to grasp that understanding of whether or not others understood that feeling I was trying to convey in my own creative way*

The Mountains and The Sea

I never understood mountains, the history, the story and the life and pain it has swallowed. The sea has always been my source of tranquility before. The sand documents my pain and the sea swallows the shattered pieces left behind. Recent news consisting of both happy, hate, and cruelty overwhelms me in so many aspects that I cringe to walk through another day. As I drown myself in this salty water flashing back to the time where I hear my nieces laugh and the time where my partner held that bouquet of roses with a smile carved to his face to celebrate my graduation, I cried. Those simple moments are treasures to me that was capable to paint over the black wall I had for the past years.

Then I remembered the mountains that have heard the sound of pain every day of it's life. The sound of people screaming their heart out from pain, anger and success. It echoes and fades into thin air only to be left as a memory to the mountain. Listening to the sound of every creature of every animal in this world, every whisper of the wind, the night howl and the trees' cracking leaves. I guess that is why avalanche occurs, it was a source of release for the mountains after listening so much to peoples' story only to break down like any other creatures in this world. 

I go through days to learn to see life with a much better perception over it. Goodness is so hard to find that I am constantly left in shock and sadness altogether. The shock was because it exist as it is so hard to find and the sadness is because I know it is slowly dying. 

Could I Erase This Cruelty?

Everywhere I turn my sights witness events that were too stressful, too sad, too angry, too lost and in rare occasions too accepting. Draining every inch of happiness within me, I began to look at the world differently. I was sick of it and the people who surround me. In fact I was sick of myself because to survive I had to adapt which meant turning myself into somewhat like them. Although act of kindness still exist, it is almost absent in the current world. Every once in awhile I would smile because I still see videos of people doing an act of kindness. Then again, most time I am dumbfounded as to how timid or low a person’s mind to actually be cruel or inconsiderate of situations.

Sometimes when I watch people’s faces, it’s like their life story is written all over their faces. There’s a mother who’s tired but having her daughter smile with full of trust in her, it lights up her life. There’s a couple fighting on the streets and you wonder what were so broken that it did not survive. There are others who find joy in actually in being cruel and a bully to others, it’s like some sort of exasperation overpowers them and doing it brings satisfaction. Then again, I look at people’s life and you wonder what can you help to make the world lighter to them. However, when I saw footage of me recorded by my boyfriend, I realize how the story of my life was written all over my face. There were things I locked inside that I knew and understand but never really expected that it showed on the surface and to some it was mistaken as something else. That reel of video had magnified how my expressions were full of anger and a wall that was built so high that nobody could penetrate. I had that anger where I was sick of people bashing, attacking, and using me. Thus, those expressions were visible on my face.

What Was The Journey About?

I am one who enjoys long hours drive but coming back to my hometown to pursue my education those long journey turns to seven minutes drive. That seven minutes to class was never a time to reminisce as I am one person who rushes to grab a parking lot that was limited every morning. However, those seven minutes drive back from class to home was considered short. As I ventured one foot into the world of what I have studied before, I have the luxury to be stuck in heavy traffic for about what was suppose to be 20 minutes drive now, turn into 45 minutes drive every morning and late evening due to the heavy traffic. Those waiting time in jams, considerably amount of cursing, and traffic lights comes and goes but the truth is I was being myself again. I am one who believes that life should not be wasted as you get one chance and one chance only. Wasting my life into something that kills your passion and altogether loose the little things that matter in life, was not what I considered to be what I wish for in my life. In my opinion it is like throwing yourself in a bon fire and waiting to be crippled into ashes before you realise what was burning you to drive harder and live made you less attentive to what was really around you. By the time the fire burns out, it was already too late and nothing could make you go back in time.

This made me rethink my choices, the ones that I strive so hard to make it every end of semesters. I was so sure of myself but that one foot I had placed was burning me out. Being an observer, I analyse things and I look at stuff in different perspective compared to others. I am intrigued by souls and personality and I find myself smiling across the table whenever I see a father and daughter time together on a date just the two of them. I am one who enjoys walking through the park simply talking about life with my partner. Almost three weeks into this world and I am already ill, and I know my body well, I am not one to get sick when I wanna fight for something that is worth it. I haven't even done much of the work and my body is slowly rebelling and that I know I need to put in serious consideration over my next step.

I had a dream, one that was considered crazy and stupid. My passion for music never seem to die and despite many times I wanted to give up my guitar classes, those 30 minutes I attended looking all tired and defeated from the office, I come out of that door a different person. Like a bird freed from a cage, I find myself singing to the radio and somewhat lighten up. Morning after morning, I hear the radio singing to me and all I could do was listen to the words as my mind wanders about further than from where I was stuck. I used to drive singing and wandering about back then but, this was different, this meant I had something missing, the things I was so sure about because it felt like the only solution that seem stable and practical as one has told me before.

The epiphany came when I saw J.K Rowling's life movie on Lifetime channel and I realised something. She had people believe in her and she did wrote a story because she liked them and as I sat there reminiscing the idea of choosing the route despite the hardship she faces it was then I understood. When I was 15 years old, I had a planner, that planner was not filled with homeworks or notes but instead a story. As the teacher teaches about something in front, I was busy writing the story that was in my head. In fact that story never reach an end, I wrote most of them in a pink a planner but then from time to time I write them on some blank piece of paper or another book that I could grab instantly. The story was unravelling before me like an image I was chasing and almost the same description J.K Rowling had described how he found Harry it was how I found my mediator, Samantha. That name still brings shiver upon me as she was the closest to me. That epiphany made me hated myself because I lost that part of me because I was too busy chasing what was suppose to be called life. In fact my diary was rarely updated because I found a living diary but I felt that part of me that was missing. From then on, J.K Rowling became one of my inspiration. She thought me to believe in myself and to charge through obstacles despite peoples criticising.

Suddenly this brought me back to one event that occurred not awhile back, an asshole of a classmate (I mean he really is because he thinks he is better than everybody else) asked my classmate at hearing distance upon looking at my dekstop wallpaper. I remember his words well enough "If a guy has a girl's wallpaper on their dekstop we understand that is the type of girl he wants, but what if it is a girl whom does that, what does that indicate?" instantly I knew where he was heading. I am not surprise because he thinks fat girl like me wouldn't have anybody and it made more perfect sense to presume I am a lesbian. At that point of moment he doesn't know I was in a relationship and nobody knew in fact besides my close friends because I don't pride around like a peacock announcing it either with PDA's and all. I turn around look at him straight in the eye with a simple answer " you wanna know why? The reason she is my wallpaper is because she is not just some celebrity who think her money is enough to last a lifetime and that education was not significant. She is a valedictorian, smart, has her own principles but admits she is human when she makes a mistake and fight for rights. I put her as my desktop not just to admire and be all dreamy hoping that if I put a guy as my dekstop that guy would be the kind of guy I end up with. She is an inspiration and I dream to become as courageous as her. My guy friend who he had whispered to smiled at me and he was left speechless. That moment it felt like I had gumption rising within me. Sadly those moments never last and as many of my posts it slips through my fingers because I was too busy chasing what people these days calls life.

Thus, those years of striving and studying what was the journey about exactly? That is my question every single morning to myself.

Writer's note
Honestly I never expect to write such a long post. It's been awhile though, I guess this medical clearance helped me quite a lot.

Fear of The World

Have you ever felt that you've succumb to a moment that is haunting yet, comforting. That part of you that felt betrayed by the world you live in. Lies crawling like thorny vines from the words written across mediums build upon the hegemony that cannot be undone. That fear of loosing the faith in true meaning of love and life.
There were smokes from the burned of hopes and believes. The lost of time and moments that was left in regrets. As I walk solemnly across the dead trees, the nightmare I fear have finally come to life by power and greed. That brought angers to my heart, tears to my eyes and torture to myself. How could I have succumb to the life I chose not to live in, a kind that absent mindlessly thought me to stop appreciating simplicity. I grieve in anger, condemning myself over my stupidity. Now everything around me is crumbling down and the shadows was now the company closest to me that I am holding on to. But the darkness has come and the shadows began to fade. "Run!" my heart screams, " Just run as hard as you can.." and I run. How far? How long? only time will tell.

-Behind the Lights-

Take Me Back To When It Started

I stare across the blank page, a new start, a new change, and  my heart whisper... "Take me back to when it started". Take me to the time where the sun rise and all the memories came flashing through my memory. Take me to the time I begin to remember my first birthday where an image of a card with a baby holding one finger up. Take me to first day in kindergarten, to myself searching my kindergarten friend on my first day of primary school. An epoch-making that lead me this far. How far have I come from where it all first started? When did art stole my heart or when it all begin? Tell me how I let it slip away for so long? Tell me and take me back to when it started.

Standing across the sunset while listening to the whispering wind. I wonder the secrets the souls of nature has to say? How does the ocean compelled us slowly when the waves hit the shore? Every sense stronger when my visions are clouded by tears. Each sound, each sense thought me to learn something in different perspective. "Absence makes the heart grows fonder" a statement that can place a person at different standpoint where they stand . My heart yearns to be happy, to experience bliss once again, to appreciate priceless things in life. Take me on a stroll of the life changing experience that brought me here. Then you'll witness every step and you wonder how yours took you where you stand this very second. Appreciate the bittersweet of life that makes it beautiful and maybe a new dawn will transcend from within. What began as a blank page started to fill itself with words that tells a story. So don't stop there, if ever you hit a wall, breathe and close your eyes as you take yourself back to when it started. A fresh perspective that will set your soul free that encourages wisdom and faith to walk before you run towards the immensely unknown adventure.