The Balance Within, The Tranquility We Seek

"Almost", the one word that she always felt tormented to even used it. It was always almost in everything, almost scared to say the three words, almost lost myself, almost afraid to give out my feelings, almost regretting things, almost and always almost.The long years of being in a relationship with herself has led her to be fearful of the unknown. She has always knew the feelings she express and gives to herself, the activities she does with herself like reading books, listening to music, going for a swim, writing short stories, and her diary was her companion in the darkest of days. Almost at some point she felt content with herself and her own personal space and companionship. Now, she almost seek the balance of being confident without the presence of the other, she almost feel lost not having a long dreaded random conversation with her new company. At some point she almost feel like she misses herself, the one who didn't need anybody, the one who only dwelled upon her loneliness and felt like she needed somebody only to put a strong firm step down to herself to stop.

A self-conflicted person who fears of repeating her parent's history, she felt like she couldn't give her all  which meant restricting herself and possibly loosing her carefree self around him. Saying those three words became a phobia, a lost between saying it too much and or saying it too little or saying none at all. Saying the word "I miss you" became a mind conflicting issue of knowing that if she says it too much it became too much
. She is always and always will be scared of the things she says when it relates to commitment, afraid that it might consume her and became an issue that he will dread to talk about. She knew she was not the first to brought up such issue but what if along the way when she became comfortable with the subject he was fading away. She felt like she was loosing her strong wilded side of herself of putting life in perspective, knowing what was best and what was right. When looking at it throughly, she fears gaining a new companion means loosing herself and the things that described her. She also fears if putting herself first meant second guessing her relationship and it fades out into nothing.

How do people find balance? Knowing when to stop, when to be ready and when to go and the self-assurance of calmness from deep within she seek.A part of her wish she had a traffic light to guide her. It's always a roller-coaster ride when it comes to growing up. The discovery of new things and experience of growing up with different group of friends and the things you thought you see only on movies and TV series. The revelation balancing commitment, responsibilities, social and self all in a 24/7 fast phase world, you'll admit the exhaustion you feel that you hope for a pause button and a manual book to survive growing up.