I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock at 6.30 a.m. I prayed than realise something was missing. I didn't feel the burden of life for awhile. It was the morning I look forward to most days. Somedays I would like to wake up as early as possible, sometimes because I'm going on a trip, school or maybe just simply wanted to watch the sun rise. The little things in life that make you think. I'm going to miss these days.. truly am going to miss. However it isn't as simple to stick to your routine. I'll be starting college soon and I will soon feel the pressure again. As it is, I'm already feeling the pressure of receiving my results. The lost road that I refuse to take before has finally found it's way to place me as the person who goes through it. I never felt so alone and so scared of the world surrounding me. I wanted everything to go through as plan, but what fun would it be? What spices of life would you get?
Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on the edge of the mountain. If I were to take another step, I would fall and hit the ground. If I were to take the other step, I would have to stay and watch myself as the years past and make the same mistakes. When we were small, black and white was so much easier to take and choose. It was right or wrong, yes or no, bad or good, and like and hate. As you grow older, there's something else. There's this part of our lifes that is called the grey part. You are neither right or wrong, yes or no, bad or good, and like and hate. You get confuse most of the times. Sometimes you listen to both parties and you realise that they are telling two different stories. Could you judge by that instant? If you did. How sure are you which parties has the right story straight? You were not there to witness. Holding secrets isn't an easy task. Probably the reason most of the time these days I prefer not knowing the secret. There's a curiosity in me that wish I knew but I would prefer not to. I have to admit, when you were small, holding a secret was a big thing, it makes you feel important, but at the end of the day it will kill you.
I'm aware that nobody reads my blog, but to tell you the truth, just letting it out feels good. It felt like you shared something in life that you understand intead of keeping it to yourself. That's is why recently I have come to believe that maybe friendship doesn't last for eternity, a lifetime, forever or whatever you call it to show the definition that it will never end. It's sad, because you wish that all your friends would be there for you and you can just talk to them like they were there. As time passes, things change and you can't expect the same thing from the past to not change either for the present. The busy world and the extension of network of friends will bring you to a certain understanding that balancing everything sometimes just make you want to let it go on focus on the priorities. Example, a mother who had many friends, boyfriends, family and cousins in the past will no longer balance them. Obviously boyfriends are out of the list, family would be you, your hubby, children and sometimes their parent, friends would no longer plays an important role and cousins would be less important anymore. If you realise, after being married and becoming a mother, I have foreseen many people around me to let the ball they juggle fall on the floor. Their looks has gone way off from where they used to look, friends was not an option, children priority, husband, hmm husband must be your lifetime friend I suggest, and apart from that, the network of people you used to have vanished away.
I'm not judging anyone here, but this are the things I realise in the world I'm living in. There's no longer black and white. You can't choose anything anymore. Sometimes what life throws at you is what you have to juggle and at a certain point you just want to free your hands and carry on ball in your hand, that ball would be your imediate family. Whatever I just wrote are not a criticism to anybody I know, it's purely what I see in the mall and all the surroundings in my life. We'll see how far I make it.
The Morning Cold..
I'm A Fool When It Comes To You.
Someone once told me that you're a fool, stupid, idiot and the whole words that are related to stupidty and insane are always being place upon people who are blindingly in love. Nobody ever told me that loving someone is going to be hard. It was suppose to be easy like how you feel about your family, yet it's nothing the same.I know for 3 years for a fact that I was loving this person yet, this person never had feelings for me. If he had, there were possibilities I was blind or afraid to admit it. I have been drowing myself in despair and sorrow for a few days since I found out. I wanted to tell him, I needed to tell him the truth. Therefore I decided that I must tell him the truth. I know it would ruin our friendship but it hurts even more just to keep it inside. I know he would ignore and avoid me most of the time but it's for the best for me. Maybe if he finds out, I get to release this feeling and move on. I need to move on that's what I will do once I tell him the truth. I'm going to ruin this but I have to.
A Certain Confusion When I Can't Read Your Mind.
Sometimes what you feel can kill you. You try so hard to delete that person or erase the memories we ever had but it gets harder as you try even more. Sometimes you gotta let the feeling go yet sometime you hope that it was different. I can't say much because it aches sometimes just thinking about it. It's been a few days, and I really wish something would work out between us but highly doubt so based on the way his reacting. So just wish me luck in getting over him and finding someone better. :P well take care everyone. That's just a short update from me. For the first time feeling heartbroken.
