The cold night was relaxing as Samantha walk down the sidewalk. Silently in her heart she prayed to god “ May every step that I take as I walk through this sidewalk, erase the memories that I’ve shared with the first guy who ever won me over yet broke my heart to pieces at the same time.”. She closed her eyes holding her tears back as she took those steps.
The first five steps reminded her of the day Aaron had took her bag from her shoulder that took her by surprise. She smiled as they fought a little over his surprise action. His smile still lingers in her head and she slowly let them go as she continued walking.
In the next few steps, she remembered their first day out just the two of them. They were misunderstood as being a couple wherever they went. Samantha, can still remember that night he bought her ice cream and they fell asleep on each other on the bus. Those were the sweetest memories she had with him. As the tears began to fall, so did the memory.
Each footstep left a memory behind and she still continued on, she went on and on until it was a struggle to even think that she’s loosing each one of them. Finally the last memory that was left to forget was the youngest memory of them all that she had collected. It was the day she walks away and took herself back.
Her final steps came rushing as she asked for everything that belongs to her and gave him everything that belongs to him. She didn’t speak much neither did she explain whatever that was going on, but she knew he should understand the reasons for her behaviour and drastic action. When she got the things that she came to take, she stood, said her goodbyes, and walk away. Her heart pleaded to just look at him for one last time, but she kept a straight mind and didn’t even turn an inch. That was the end of it and she’s not giving him more chances that he has already gotten.
I Cut Through It Bit By Bit
What Happen ?
It may take passing seasons, years and years of denying, take every moment that was written on a piece of paper and binned them into a book for others to read. No regrets but sadness that fills the feeling of being unsure in the current situation. The passing waves and the dim of the sun set, thought me so many things even in the silence of the wind. I would love to travel there and just seek myself. Myself that I've lost, that I've strive to search for almost a year. Did this place change me? Did the experience took me away? Did the reality scared myself into believing that person was capable of living? Is it me that was giving up slowly?
It is true that as you grow older, you need time out from others and for almost a year, achieving it has been a struggle like catching a shooting star across the sky.
In the corner room has always been me, the unnoticed, the invisible, the ghost who appears but no one ever realise. No matter how much sound I make, how many times I've raise my hand, but I was always just there, that girl, who is she? nobody knows or appear to notice. All this time, I've strive to fit in, strive to get that feeling, strive to be treated like any other people but it was just a passing wind that remains invisible unless the people around them needed it or wanted it. Who am I? Where I am? Why am I here? My heart aches but most of the time, it aches of confusion. I need the answer to what I wanna feel, what I feel and should I feel?
Life
Life is full of expectations and predictions. At this moment I can admit that I predict I will graduate with diploma by the end of next year, continue my degree maybe overseas and start working by the age of 22. Expect things would go smoothly without any bump on the road that can be swerve. However for every step ahead I took, my heart sunk just a little, enough to remind me where I came from and where I belong. Enough to slap myself at the thought of myself 10 years ago, a child who smiled and the weight of the world was not on her shoulder. I used to sit and imagine myself being that person I want to be with no worries, but the more I venture into the world of adulthood, I wish I could take back the wish I made years ago. A wish that I made, sublimely to the thought of working, earning money, freedom comes easy and the joy you see was perhaps what made you think the world was ruled by you.
Nowadays, I learn new thing day by day, I have my preferences rather than depending on others, you think for even the most little action that you do. Your thoughts are more serious and you began to lost the laughter you enjoyed when you were small when everything can be done freely. The time when you were small when whatever you do was not being judged but only be scolded. We had the magic and confidence that was hard to be taken away from. Yet over the years you lost most of it. At times when you sit among people, or watch a funny comedy and laugh like you didn't care, you began to realise how much you've missed it. You weight your actions and you realise every step further is another step harder than the previous. Now, life is full f decisions, thinking, wondering, perceiving and careful with every step.
