I was shopping with my mother at the mall, as she was browsing around inside the shop I sat on the chair the mall had provided. It took long enough for me to realise how the world could be selfish and cruel, it passes by so fast that we didn't realise it was around us. Oddly, I have walked by so many path and yet I prefer the one I used to take, back when I was younger. In order to survive, we change to fit in, we change to survive. Nobody knew the pain, scars, and hurt a person goes through neither do they know the thoughts than runs through a person. Hence, because of the changes we make, we took another path and took another chance whenever we think it was crucial. Due to that, we change into a person that we no longer know at the end of the day, and when we look at ourselves in the mirror everyday, you wouldn't know who you really are because you no longer took the time to see your mistakes or the deeds you've done instead, you make excuses that you have other things to do rather than looking at who you've become or turning to. When we were small, we had our parents to tell us it's wrong and make us think of the wrongs we did and vow not to do it again and give praises when we're doing something right. In the life of adulthood, we no longer have them to tell or judge us instead we only have ourselves because by that time we should already know who we really are.
When I was young, I used to see things as black and white yet, I realise that was not applicable when we grow older. It's like playing a game of chess or monopoly. You make a strategy and take a risk. You form an alliance and be wary of your enemy, like and old saying "keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer" which is true in order to survive and not be cheated. I've been cheated, been fooled and there are even times I realise that I had to be selfish so I'm not made used off. However, it's harder than I thought at times as I am a bit naive where, I trust people easily and spoilt them a lot and at the end of the day I began to realise that not everybody are the same as yourself. It's a learning process to realise that when the person you thought who would be there to catch you when you fall was missing and you end up standing alone and walking alone on the path you've thought could be so beautiful or hopeful . That's when I realise that I had to be selfish, build a wall in order to survive. I turn into a person I refuse to be but I had to in order to survive. Yet, I learn that we may have to be like that but set limitations and don't trust anyone so easy, don't let your heart out that fast, take your time and smile always. Whatever goes on in your life is for you to judge and see and mend or improve. Take a few minutes to look in the mirror and tell yourself of the beautiful things you did and the mistakes you did so you can improve or avoid them. I'm not saying it's stupid nor easy but it helps to see that your no saint nor a devil. We're human and it's normal to make mistakes you might regret but realise it's the mistakes that you makes that turns into a lesson.
The Adult World That Was Concealed
Iniquity of The Night
A child sits at the corner of the room and stared right through me. A toddler sat on the lap of a girl in her early teens. There's another girl who is between the age of 15 to 16 was standing close to me. All the faces, all of their eyes changed, showed differences yet remain the same. There's fear in each one of them yet, there's darkness in them that's fighting to be unleash. The voice, it's so familiar, I've met the person before, so long ago, in the age of darkness, in the age I was falling in so deep that I could barely see the light. It's saying " I'm back" I can hear the echoing of the voice in my head, among the four walls, I'm letting it in, I'm opening the door. The excruciating pain could be felt, yet there are no visible scars. As I look at each one of them, I began to realise that all of them were me. The memories came rushing in my head. The girl in the white dress, the time I fell so hard, the blood that left me questioning, the days I fell apart, the time I couldn't find the way out. It crumble down on me, I've been alone for too long. I've been dying inside for so long. All this while, I was living in indenial.
I can hear the dark thoughts in my head, I can hear the voices. Positive thoughts are chasing me away, I wanna scream out loud. Through out all this time, I've been holding up for too long and all I want to do is sleep for awhile. Let the world past me by, let the tears fall and let me disappear for awhile. I wish I could let go, I wish I could see my soul, I wish to someday recognise. All the girls in the room thoughts something to each one on the ways to survive. I couldn't give them because my advice is to let go of life. The fear builds up, and all I want to do is sleep. Sleep for quite sometime and not face the world till I'm ready. Yet at the same time I wanna scream, scream and shout and hit myself. I just want to push this all the way...
