The Times I Spend

As the rain pours outside, my mind begin to wonder on how fearless I've become over the years. The sound of the thunder used to leave me scrambling for my mother or a trusted person's touch against my skin, the lightning used to scare me thinking it might strike me at any given moment so I stayed on something that was not made of steel which meant the covers, lights was vital to me, even the dim light would not work for me, opening the window this late at night was not an option. Looking at myself now, my past would have been surprised. Sitting on a bench by the window next to my guitar listening to Erin McCarley with an open window and the pouring rain with thunder and lightning. I find myself intrigued, more or less I'm more fearless that I used to be.

My holiday was spend on reading books, constantly hiding behind them as everybody else was busy, working, classes, boyfriends, vacation and many more. I didn't realise till today that I miss just doing that. I used to be this mysterious quiet girl and that was the exact definition of myself that I'm searching for. Nobody knew me, but if someone knew me it meant they got to know me themselves before judging me straight on end. However, the type of music on my Itunes seems to be a little off, unlike the usual old stuff I used to listen to, too much oldies or too much up beat current top songs. I just had to accept that people change and I'm no exception though I remain or try to keep a part of my past of my identity that sometimes comes and goes within me.

There are days that I used to a lot of things that I don't do now. I used to live in the moment, sipping in the ambience and the feeling that empowers me everytime something caught my attention. I talk to myself less in my mind, I used to have a lonely conversations that was between me and myself and that was enough for me. It was the many ways of conversation that felt safe to me. Yet, among all the days I had times to reminisce and just sit without doing anything had made my mind question and often most I kept wondering if there were errands or assignment I needed to run, someone I needed to meet or possible something I need to submit.  It felt wrong to just sit and not do anything. That was the moment I realise, I've dive into the crowd of people who  never sit and always on the fast lane. I've become those impatient ones who tap their fingers, who lose their ability to just accept the situation as it is or overlook them because time didn't spare for those who wait or learn to understand.

A year ago, I had traveled by bus with a certain friend to the mall which took about an hour. I saw an old man walk into the bus, dress in an old shirt and thin up to a point you can see nothing but bones. I kept quiet but my mind tick at the thought of his family, maybe I was wrong but didn't he had any children? Did people offer help to those in his positions? Yet, that was my mind just wander into reckless thoughts. When I took up courses like this, it was meant to tell me the side people overlook the one I used to wonder that people never thought off but I was sucked into "making it" and I let it get the best of me. I've adapted people's way of writing that was thought in class and forgotten mine, I've committed myself into giving to please people not what they needed to hear or see. For that I was disappointed in myself. At the end of the day, I accepted that I'm human and prone to stumble into these situations.