Mirror

There was a girl who lay crippled and distraught at the corner of the room. I watch her for days, weeks and years but I never got a chance to talk to her. Everytime I saw her, she was too weak to even speak a word of her sufferings. One day I sat across the room, staring at her for hours. After hours of waiting patiently, she finally stood and sat across to me. Our eyes met for the first time, hers were filled with tears and swollen from all the crying. I finally said "you look sad" and instantly she replied "you look like you're lying". Stunt by her words hissing straight, I took a step back. There were drawings across the floor and books filled with familiar handwritings written across the pages. There were pictures that made a mess across the floor. As I pick up the pieces I realise that those were me. Connecting each of the pieces as if it was a puzzle I was lost at how she could've had all of this in her possession.
The room now dim dark as if I was stuck in a sepia tone coloured world. Her body was filled with scars, some were long and harsh and some were almost healed while the rest seemed too deep that it's made it's mark there forever. She smirked as if realising I was staring at her body filled with scars. I just smiled and continued to study the pictures and drawings. Whomever who drew those drawings had ability but was never polished. The poems were beautiful but dark and as I study the pages, it was filled with pain, lost and fear. You could almost cry as you read the pages, marks from the tears that shattered across the pages smudges the inks yet, it was still readable.
Then it dawn on me that while reading it almost brought tears I felt a thud of spear stab straight through my heart. The pain was there, it was bursting to make me scream and cry it out but I remain silent. I stare at her and realise that it was all me. Those memories, those pictures even the diary filled with dim and darkest words was all mine.
Reminiscing the memory, of me sitting among friends and laughing while enjoying a sip of coffee. Simply meeting people to discuss projects and making fool jokes in class at the same time leaving what was close to me, my diary, my music and my art. Everything made sense, I was chasing something that thought would make me happy but instead I was chasing lies. Every day sitting before the mirror she place a mask to masquerade her pain. The words she said was true and the saddest part was that she was me. Who am i?

(A short story inspired by life and the music from Plumb)

13th October 2014

Lonely Thoughts from the Silent Night

The tranquility of the silent night and the mind bombarded by many thoughts accompanied by songs that sent fogs of invisible inspirations surrounding myself. I can't remember the last time I felt this way, this nature in me who loves to sit in a dim room and write my heart out like vines crawling against the walls. Life got to me, the echoes of my guitar strumming across the room seems vague to my memories. The words flowing through my fingers seems cold and hard as if strapped by an invisible iron forcing them to type formally as what have been required in the course I have enrolled myself in. Nothing is to blame or no one in this matter, it is simply a shame that I allowed life to overpower me and make me forget. We're chasing life and we never stop to breathe. 

Look into our loved ones eyes and remember the good times, look at the sky and appreciate the beautiful things God gives us without asking much but simply to remember God in our prayers. The most priceless things are around us and more often then not people who have less knows the value more than we do.

Unexpected Fate

Dear bloggers,
I know I haven't updated much since my life takes off on a high route to growing up and making tough decisions. However, I guess life took a detour for me to make me remember a part of my past that I long to remember. Long before, I was the girl who enjoyed the school library before I became a librarian. While browsing through the shelf a book called Where Rainbow Ends caught my eye and I spend my break time reading the book till one day when the book was being borrowed by somebody and I could no longer retrieve it ever since. My mind only had the first half of the book storyline and the word "Rainbow" as part of the title and the color purple of the cover as a guideline to what the book was called. After years and years of searching I couldn't remember which book and I began to divert my attention to other books.
Recently, I was browsing through movies that came from a book and the title "Love, Rosie" pop on the list to watch and I was even more interested when I knew Lily Collins was the main lead. In anticipation of the movie I kept watching the trailer over and over again and the name Alex and Rosie seems familiar. The scenes used in the trailer somehow recalls a memory from the back of my mind and the journey Rosie face somewhat recalls a character I once read about long before. I began reading the summary and its exactly how the story was about a book I've read before. I noticed the trailer mention of it being base on a book and I immediately googled it only to find the book cover and the puzzle matches everything. In full excitement, I not only am so happy it's turning into a movie but I finally found out the tittle of the book and I get to read them and finish where I left off. The last chapter I read was when Rosie couldn't go off to further her studies and that was done, I never saw the book ever again.

The Balance Within, The Tranquility We Seek

"Almost", the one word that she always felt tormented to even used it. It was always almost in everything, almost scared to say the three words, almost lost myself, almost afraid to give out my feelings, almost regretting things, almost and always almost.The long years of being in a relationship with herself has led her to be fearful of the unknown. She has always knew the feelings she express and gives to herself, the activities she does with herself like reading books, listening to music, going for a swim, writing short stories, and her diary was her companion in the darkest of days. Almost at some point she felt content with herself and her own personal space and companionship. Now, she almost seek the balance of being confident without the presence of the other, she almost feel lost not having a long dreaded random conversation with her new company. At some point she almost feel like she misses herself, the one who didn't need anybody, the one who only dwelled upon her loneliness and felt like she needed somebody only to put a strong firm step down to herself to stop.

A self-conflicted person who fears of repeating her parent's history, she felt like she couldn't give her all  which meant restricting herself and possibly loosing her carefree self around him. Saying those three words became a phobia, a lost between saying it too much and or saying it too little or saying none at all. Saying the word "I miss you" became a mind conflicting issue of knowing that if she says it too much it became too much
. She is always and always will be scared of the things she says when it relates to commitment, afraid that it might consume her and became an issue that he will dread to talk about. She knew she was not the first to brought up such issue but what if along the way when she became comfortable with the subject he was fading away. She felt like she was loosing her strong wilded side of herself of putting life in perspective, knowing what was best and what was right. When looking at it throughly, she fears gaining a new companion means loosing herself and the things that described her. She also fears if putting herself first meant second guessing her relationship and it fades out into nothing.

How do people find balance? Knowing when to stop, when to be ready and when to go and the self-assurance of calmness from deep within she seek.A part of her wish she had a traffic light to guide her. It's always a roller-coaster ride when it comes to growing up. The discovery of new things and experience of growing up with different group of friends and the things you thought you see only on movies and TV series. The revelation balancing commitment, responsibilities, social and self all in a 24/7 fast phase world, you'll admit the exhaustion you feel that you hope for a pause button and a manual book to survive growing up.

Deprivation Of The Wrongs

Coffee combined with milk, cream, sugar and coffee bean. A bad habit of mine to dwell upon life and watch the outside world pass by through a window that's closest to me. What if I grew up drinking purely bitter coffee and I'm used to it and with milk, cream and sugar it felt complete but what if I miss those bitterness. Those bitterness that made me feel complete? Those bitterness that has always been a part of me. Suddenly those minor chords seemed distance and the major once began playing more and it felt wrong to the soul. I find myself begging for loneliness despite loving the presence of another. Though it gets hard to know if the weathers are doing the right or the wrongs because either way humans still complain over the heat or the damp weather. I find myself wanting the loneliness and it's all I knew growing up and if I had somebody I wanted to feel that loneliness but when it appears I deprive over the other.

The world around me spins and I realise that nobody are mind readers and I am alone with the haunting thoughts in my head. Those whispers will forever be mine and sometimes I wonder if it's right that people care less when they don't show it just merely speak of it sometimes.

As Some Took The Wheels There Were Others Who Left

I am out of touch with my writing and creativity given the situation that lead me to look at life in forms of practicality and logically almost everyday. As I look out the window in the car, the trees changes from the ones that was green to the brown dirt coloured ones and through the falling leaves of the passing. It got me wondered why is it that leaf or leaves sounds so close to the word "leave" was it because it was always leaving the tree when the time has come? It seems to show that as the time pass anybody or people will leave you or you leave them behind. My thoughts wanders far back when I graduated from high school and here I am with a scroll in my hand and going through a whole new journey. It's like nothing really left me and at the end of the day, everybody goes back to their root while there are certain who found a better place to find life.

There has always been something about driving or riding a car as a passenger that calms me down. Note that I only enjoy long drives when I am driving the car and short drives when I am not driving the car. The journey to a destination changes depending on the path you choose, sometimes there are others who take the wheels and while at times it is only you control the wheels. I found new friends and I lost some while there were others who are better off drifted away rather than present in life. As i turn back the pages of my life, I began to realise that courses of life in growing up changes things. If only I could take pictures of my room, my school, my friends and the changes will make me realise that things aren't always as we wish it would turn out to be.

When Life Gets In The Way

My mind was filled with a list of things in the order of which is priority to me at the moment,

1. My studies
2. My Family
3. My Relationship
4. My Friends (changes with my relationship depending on situation)

Upon entering 2014, I was going through the memories I had in 2013 on FLIPGRAM and I realise that I did pretty amazing stuff and experience changes drastically than the previous year. However, I didn't realise that I was not living in the moment until I was looking back through the pictures. I had amazing friends and I realise that as you grew older it took a lot of effort maintaining them especially once that live a different world, culture and life apart from you. My free time became the time for me to complete my assignment or hanging out or eating with my classmates. Considerably it was because we have the same time schedule, and if by chance during my gap, my boyfriend would pick me up for lunch or early dinner before his class after his class whichever suited our time. I come back home only to spend a mere time with my mother as another presence of a person kept me away most time to save my sanity. My time with my cousins could be by chance if I had nothing to do on that day or cancelling other appointments to be with them. My high school bestfriends comes along when the holiday begins and when everyone is in town or aren't busy with their studies. Considering the short hours of only catching up over lunch or early dinner with my boyfriend we spend most of our time communicating through instant messaging and video calling. Time management became hard for me to make sure that everybody received sufficient amount of communication with me. However, since growing up I come to realise that I was beginning to live accordingly to how it is schedules, and there are many who felt as if I have neglected them since meeting new people and gaining someone who is considerably there for me 24 hours. Growing up and suiting myself with new environments has not been easy and most time I catch a new activity by penetrating myself into something I have never experienced. I became adventurous for reasons that thought me to live throughly and never look back regretting you never did something crazy when you were younger. Than life gets in the way and you were left to wonder the things you miss the life you had the way you viewed life and the things that brought smiles. Like driving on the highway at dawn or twilight, witnessing sun set and having rainbows above your head. I miss that and I miss the crazy laughters I once had with my high school bestfriends and the old me who sees things in different perspective. Everything seems pretty literal to me and base on the things I have to do to get to the next level. Honestly I can't remember how much I have enjoyed walking down the hall listening to music from various instruments coming from behind the closed doors. I miss listening to every note of the music and tells their own personal story only through the voice of an instrument. I miss strumming my guitar and just do it freely without the guidance of a book or chords that I must follow. I just want to follow my heart wherever it takes me and right now whatever my heart wishes are being pushed aside to complete the cruel daily list that one must complete to live in this world.