A firm believer in hope dreams believe and finally and recently love, so many have thought me that being single or being with somebody has its pros and cons. I sometime find myself a burden and so do I sometime find it to be a burden. It was easier to weight the things in life on your own shoulders rather than to balance it for both team seems harder and confusing. You began to question the right and the wrongs and the should and shouldn't.
This road seems to hit dead end in my head, and I fear the next time we didn't see the dead end we'll crash straight. Those were one of the thoughts that haunt me. All this while, I grew up fear of being neglected and rejected and hunger for a love that I thought might assure me but instead it fear me even more. The things in my head keeps whispering devilish thoughts of having me neglected, a play thing, a testimony and a played toy a kid has got bored once they're mother bought it for him. Unconsciously, my heart keeps telling me not to fall because it can't take it again. Too much of pain over the years I realise the fear of filling that void that was absence for so long took courage. I was complicated, I was a wreck, and I was nothing compared to those average girl outside.
Since yesterday the simple words could mean nothing to that person but it meant a huge deal to me, that it sears deep inside of me before I fell asleep and after I woke up this morning. I was a tiring case of exhaustion that just keeps getting broken everytime one fix it. Is that way this insomnia keeps accompanying me every night? Could it be the life I've live all this while that got me over thinking things that I'm suppose to?
In life, we are the readers of our story. Unlike the normal readers, we can't skip the pages to get to the happy part nor could we turn back to relive the moments we wish we could. The past few events recently thought me a lot, and I find myself learning more than I could expect to experience this new changes in life. Just like Will Smith said to his son "If we are to survive this you must realize fear is not real. It's a product of thoughts that you create. Do not misunderstand me. Danger is very real. But fear is a choice!" in After Earth.
It's true that fear is a choice one decide when they are scared of the new things that comes their way. All my life, I grew up disappointed by the people who I thought loved me and I became traumatize to even let someone in so close even to fall in love. I've never let myself go and fall gracefully because the last time I did, I find myself lying on the hard rock of lies and broken hopes. Those cracks were sealed with visible plasters and now the scars reminded me of each every pain that I didn't want to go through in life again.
The fear of loosing it, of freely letting go and to be happy. Most times that I am happy, I'll end up crying in the lonely night but this time it stayed for many days. I asked god if I did something right to deserve this but than I remembered that the signs were there but god decided that it wasn't time. I needed to remember those moments that I cherish being alone and enjoying my own presence. This was before he thought me that I could still give a chance to that hole I fear to fill.
Though I find myself guarded, slowly I became naturally comfortable in the position I am and I find myself letting go without even trying. Even I still have my walls up, slowly I can see it falling and I'm more aware that I deserve it and I'm not that person I thought I was and it was hard to take in.
The learning process is slow but if patience is what I get to overcome my fears that possibly this could easily work and restore what was banish from me a long time ago.
