Have you ever heard of the song called Because I'm a Girl sang by a Korean group called KISS. Today, and almost for 3 days, I've spend thinking about the mistakes I've done. The stupidity that overpowered me to made the mistakes that I've begun to regret more and more, day by day.
There was a boy who broke my heart into small pieces. Though there was a promise made to remain friends, I find myself in pain of accepting the fact that I've humiliated myself. I didn't think of the hurt he rejected me but the hurt that I was fooled. I was betrayed and fooled by this boy who pretend he cared so much. To show my stand, pride and ego, I refuse to text him for two days. I was building my confidence and my revenge slowly only to shatter them back down again for reasons that only god knows.
The incident happen on a Friday night where I profess my heart to this boy as my friend pushed me to the limit to do so. Although unsure of my real feelings, but to be put in a place where he kept on harassing my friend and so my friend kept on harassing me, I thought you gotta try it at least once in a lifetime. So after delaying them for about a day, I finally said them in a text not saying I was head over heels but telling him that I felt something, sometimes when we're together. Although in subtle way his respond made me feel like I was desperate for a relationship. Honestly, I was not, I was enjoying being in that situation, I was still feel to roam around to see others and fall in love with others. Considering that I rush into things that night, our conversation didn't ended so well besides making a promise that we shall remain close friends as we used to and that the thing we said never happen.
Two days went by, and I hadn't bothered to text him or called him. I was determine to hold the wall up surrounding my heart. That was until my friend texted me around eight in the morning on Monday. I was about to curse him considering that he has bothered my sleep numerous time before that. As I opened the text message, my hand shiver, I couldn't feel my feet and my heart was pumping faster as if I was running. I was about to ignore the text message but read them again and as a friend I shouldn't be doing this to him. So I woke up instantly, waking up my friend along to accompany me to the clinic.
Halfway there, I thought to myself. That this is stupid. He deserved this . He didn't deserve my caring treatment towards him. Yet my cold and stone heart melt it's way as I realise I was getting closer to the destination. When we arrived there, our hopes were shattered yet maybe it was god's message that I was allowed to see him as I was a girl friend and not a boy friend. I was happy in some sort of way that I couldn't see him. Plus, I believe that it's a message from god. So I texted him, informing that I was at the waiting area but I couldn't see him because I was girl friend. When he didn't replied, I knew he was unconscious and egoistic.
Both our message was egoistic. Neither of us wanted to step down. Yet as many have known me, my heart withers easily. Sometimes I get over things so easily that it surprise me that I can put things behind and pretended as if it never happen. So after a few message, I told him if it was okay for me to call. His replied was yes. So I called him, hoping to entertain my friend that might die of boredom instead of his sickness there. Considering that I've lived in the hospital for one week and a half and it was the worst place for you to kill time. Most of the stories involve me telling him stories that might make him laugh, or asking him what he ate, what he happen, the result and etc ? I was worried as a friend. The same worry I had when my friend's little bro was admitted into the hospital and I was there to visit my grandmother. She was dying of boredom, so I went down to check on her and her lil brother.
Whatever I'm trying to say is that, because I'm a girl, is actually the reason I acted those ways. I get angry, I cry, I curse but I couldn't stand doing so for so long. Many people made use of me, friends, boys, and etc. Yet I never really learn from them. Instead I believe that god will repay me in ways that I don't expect. Since I told you I relate to this song a lot ! I will be posting the english version of the lyrics here, for you to get a clearer picture. Whatever I wish I can say to him is whatever that is written on this song.
Kiss - Because I'm a Girl ( English Version )
I just can't understand the ways,
of all the mans and all their mistakes,
you give them all your love,
and then they rip it all away,
you told me how much you love me,
and how our love is meant to be,
and I believe in you,
I thought that you would set me free,
YOu should've just told me the truth,
That I wasn't the girl for you,
Still I didn't have the clue,
So my heart depended on you,
Though I say I hate you now,
Though I shout and curse you out,
I always have love for you,
Because I am a girl,
You told the man will leave you gone,
get sick of you and run,
i know that it's no right,
I give my all still i just cry,
never again will i be fool,
to give my all when nothings true,
I won't be played again,
but i will fall in love again,
you should've told me the truth,
that i wasn't the girl for you,
still i didn't have the clue,
so my heart depended on you,
though I say i hate you now,
though i shout and curse you out,
I always have love for you,
because i am a girl,
I love you so,
now you leave me in the cold,
I burn this way ,
I thought that you only love me,
Into the night,
I will pray that you're alright,
You hurt me so ,
I just can't let you go,
YOu took advantage of my willingness,
to do anything for love,
now i'm the only one in pain,
would you please take it all away,
never thought born being a girl,
how I can love you and be burn,
now I will build the wall,
to never get torn again,
I thought I say I hate you now,
Though I shout and curse you out,
I always have love for you because i AM A GIRL,
This is you'll soon know signing out at 3.16 a.m. Thanks for reading Love ya'll.
Because I'm a Girl
I Need Clarity
When I entered university life, I thought things would be different. I thought I wouldn't make the same mistakes as I did before. Yet, as my mother always say, " We plan the things, but god decides" . If I were to follow my own heart to do things with an angry heart. I would march in front of this guy who hurt me, took my pride, and left me with an open wound and smack him on the face. I believe no girl should be played in a game of cat and mouse where the mouse was stupid enough to surrender without a fight.
I've heard of the phrase " There is a first in everything.", Today, would be the first time I broke my fast alone in my room, only to find myself drowning in this solitude that surrounds me. However, I didn't cry nor did I went and knock on my friends door hoping to be accepted or join them. Instead, I enjoy this time to find clarity. It was tough, since I've been surrounded by my friends most of the time I was here. I didn't have time to focus on myself, on what I want and on the real me that I was chasing. As I was surfing the net to kill my time, I stumble upon my cousin's recent post titled "Paper Boats of Emotions" . The post gave me a new idea on how to put my feelings out.
I often find myself writing lyrics to vent out what I feel. I'll grab my guitar and I will try to let go of all my emotions through paper and pen and through strumming my guitar. However, I left my guitar at home, because it was my treasure and I didn't want to risk anything happening to it. Hence, when I'm here, I find it hard to express myself. I needed to let go of something, I needed to see something that gives me something to believe in. Unlike my roommates, I do enjoy spending time gazing at the stars at night. Just recently, as I lie on that dirty badminton court, I saw a shooting a star. Within a split second it was gone. I often call it "A Second of Miracle.". When I told my friend, she told me to make a wish. Although we knew it was a stupid thing but yet it gives us hope that there might be chances of it coming true. Yet, my wish never came true, and till this day, I never did figure out the ways of me letting go of my emotions.
The First Time I Witness..
I've been to caught up in my life here that I tend to forget those beautiful things I used to cherish back at home. The laughter of my family, shooting stars, sun sets, and the break of dawn. Today, when I ran away from that place I've begun to like and now begun to hate, I found that feeling that I felt in the past. That was me, myself that I was searching and every short glimpse that I take to see myself, I wonder if that was me. So, I stopped writing and prayed to god, hoping that god would lead the way for me. In some weird connections, I felt that emptiness inside, I felt that girl who was constantly letting go of things, who took things easily. Although she dwell upon something about half out of hundred percent, she was there.
I don't know where I stand right now. This things are too messy and this would be the first time I have to deal with something like this. I enjoyed most of the time we were together. Never been treated like a real lady in most times we were together but the small things you do counts. No relationships, no string just enjoying each others company was nice. Yet, there are boundaries in it. I would feel like I have betrayed my friend though she neglected, rejected and treated you so badly. She now confesses the truth about her feelings. I play the game well this past few weeks and now I think it's saying Game Over ! Though it felt like I took the right steps but it was actually all the wrong steps. Now I must face the consequences. I know she might be aware of my heart's desire but I will move on and give her way to you. No matter, even when you said you have no feelings for her and deny them all together. The reason is, I've seen you head over heels over her and I might think that I was just a tool in this to make her notice her desire. One thing I believe, when your heart is passionate about something, it takes a long time to change. Examples are my friend and his go-kart race, I and my music, and you with her. I've done my job as I always thought I will. So the rest is up to you. No matter what happen, we're still friends just not that of a close we used to be. ;P
p/s: Boy do I sound cheesy here.. lol This is so not me... Wel at least you get to see this side of me. Enjoy !! Signing out now..
Something I Never Thought
No place in this world can be called perfect, no time could or would be enough, no words can describe everything in one word. Yet those are the things I have felt here. I smile, I laugh, I cry, and I move on. Life was never perfect and I have come to terms with it long ago that it won't be. I didn't know how I got here and how I manage all of it. But I know, one thing for sure, is that I did things that I never thought I would. I was more stronger, more adventurers, I was chasing that person I wanted to be.
Did I tell you that I was in a sketch acting as a girl named Bella who was really snobbish, the girl they call the "it " girl. There were some problems in between rehearsals and before the big day arrived but I thought I did okay in facing it. Acting in front of a crowd. Something I have never done before. It felt good and great all at the same time. The butterflies in my stomach was there but in a way it was also giving me the strength that I must face it. On that stage and on that day, I did my best. That day would be part of history in remembering myself as the person who did something she ever thought she would. I had also entered the news reading competition but I was sure that I was about to be disqualified because of the little time I used. However, all in all, I'm proud to say my class won 3 prizes. No 1 and 3 for news reading and No 1 on talent time in singing.
During the time I was rehearsing for my sketch, I had sign up to become a cheerleader. Believe or not? It's the last thing I ever thought I would be considering my past and how I was being looked down on. Yet there was that feeling my heart that told me to take the chance. "Whatever happens, you did your best and at least you did something you never thought you would." that was the voice that was whispering. So I did, I took on the challenge and tried to memorized all the steps in 4 days. Thought the first dance wasn't so good since I had little practice on that but the 2nd dance was the best !!! On that big day, I was so nervous that I mess up my first dance steps. Thanks to god, I did well on my second one and it felt great. The crowd was stunt with our performance. My college did the best cheer ever among the rest. Most people praise us for the great performance. So what do you know, the girl who thought she was that looser, has added cheer-leading to her resume.
Than we had the mass communication induction day. It was a hell of a fun day to spend with everybody. I was in the pink group called the Pink Panther. We had games that will provide us marks to determine which group would win. I had join a game called blow the flour where you are to blow the flour and grab the sweets in the flour that you have found with your mouth and place them under the chair. I had flour all over my face and my mouth tasted of flour. At the end of the day, we all gathered together to learn the mass communication applause I would say. It was cute and it was fun ! Than we all were covered by flour by our seniors. Some of you might say that's crazy and irrelevant but I would say that it was hell of a fun thing. Everybody was covered in flour and we all looked like ghosts walking around. There were laughter's surrounding me and I smile at the thought of it. It was fun and a great activity to do. Honestly, I don't mind doing again.
So far those were the highlight moments here in my University. :D
