A firm believer in hope dreams believe and finally and recently love, so many have thought me that being single or being with somebody has its pros and cons. I sometime find myself a burden and so do I sometime find it to be a burden. It was easier to weight the things in life on your own shoulders rather than to balance it for both team seems harder and confusing. You began to question the right and the wrongs and the should and shouldn't.
This road seems to hit dead end in my head, and I fear the next time we didn't see the dead end we'll crash straight. Those were one of the thoughts that haunt me. All this while, I grew up fear of being neglected and rejected and hunger for a love that I thought might assure me but instead it fear me even more. The things in my head keeps whispering devilish thoughts of having me neglected, a play thing, a testimony and a played toy a kid has got bored once they're mother bought it for him. Unconsciously, my heart keeps telling me not to fall because it can't take it again. Too much of pain over the years I realise the fear of filling that void that was absence for so long took courage. I was complicated, I was a wreck, and I was nothing compared to those average girl outside.
Since yesterday the simple words could mean nothing to that person but it meant a huge deal to me, that it sears deep inside of me before I fell asleep and after I woke up this morning. I was a tiring case of exhaustion that just keeps getting broken everytime one fix it. Is that way this insomnia keeps accompanying me every night? Could it be the life I've live all this while that got me over thinking things that I'm suppose to?
In life, we are the readers of our story. Unlike the normal readers, we can't skip the pages to get to the happy part nor could we turn back to relive the moments we wish we could. The past few events recently thought me a lot, and I find myself learning more than I could expect to experience this new changes in life. Just like Will Smith said to his son "If we are to survive this you must realize fear is not real. It's a product of thoughts that you create. Do not misunderstand me. Danger is very real. But fear is a choice!" in After Earth.
It's true that fear is a choice one decide when they are scared of the new things that comes their way. All my life, I grew up disappointed by the people who I thought loved me and I became traumatize to even let someone in so close even to fall in love. I've never let myself go and fall gracefully because the last time I did, I find myself lying on the hard rock of lies and broken hopes. Those cracks were sealed with visible plasters and now the scars reminded me of each every pain that I didn't want to go through in life again.
The fear of loosing it, of freely letting go and to be happy. Most times that I am happy, I'll end up crying in the lonely night but this time it stayed for many days. I asked god if I did something right to deserve this but than I remembered that the signs were there but god decided that it wasn't time. I needed to remember those moments that I cherish being alone and enjoying my own presence. This was before he thought me that I could still give a chance to that hole I fear to fill.
Though I find myself guarded, slowly I became naturally comfortable in the position I am and I find myself letting go without even trying. Even I still have my walls up, slowly I can see it falling and I'm more aware that I deserve it and I'm not that person I thought I was and it was hard to take in.
The learning process is slow but if patience is what I get to overcome my fears that possibly this could easily work and restore what was banish from me a long time ago.
I'm not one to write about movies much in my blog unless I find them truly and remarkably unique and well written as well as played. Despite hearing the title on the television and papers as well as on the radio I never had the urge to watch it. To me it was just as normal movie as the others I have seen, came out of the hall and wavering it away maybe with a little more compliments than I usually give when comparing to the other movies I've watched. However, it had to be something that drew this interest in me into wanting to watch it so bad.
It began when my brother was listening to one of the soundtrack nonetheless everybody had probably heard this song before called Young and Beautiful by Lana Del Ray (A true masterpiece song by the way). He told me the summary of the story and mention that it probably be my type of movie. I began pastering my sister to accompany me and recalling all the comments I've heard I couldn't hold my patience.
Never watched the trailer, and when the movie started I was thinking to myself " this is gonna be like those other movies I can't wait to get out of". Clearly I was wrong, or I won't be writing this on my blog. The movie is well written, it's like reading it out of a book (though i haven't read the book), there were no glitches or hanging moment. The whole storyline was well put and the characters who played them were amazing. You saw the art behind it, how blind love could be that leads to stupidity of the mind for years, how love could be so strong that created hope in a person till the end of time. This movie shows the selfish people who thought of themselves and how inconsiderate they can be. The thought of how we overlook the true beauty in people and that lies could taint a person so bad without realising that maybe that just wasn't the truth and that was the surface people paint on that person. Listen and see beyond the surface, there could be many reason a person acts such a way. It is not about being rich with brands and materials but it's about the blindness of people and how some could care more for materialistic objects rather than the love that could bring you happiness till the end and also hope. The years of hope that kept one determined to actually get what they want and live each day.
I apologise for sounding a little harsh but whoever thought of watching this movie over the props used from Tiffany. Co or Swarovski or anything related to that, it's clearly you don't appreciate the art and beauty of people's work but the material stuff. This movie deserve an applause ( I had to bear in mind that this wasn't a broadway show and resist myself from giving the movie an applause like how Les Misérables got in the cinema when everybody began applauding at the end). My repeated comment is, it is beautifully written and a true masterpiece of a movie. Do watch it.
"I saw a relative of mine who posted something about this and it sounds fun just to write it out."
Musician
Singer
Traveller
Photographer
Graphic Designer
CEO of an Advertisement Company
Owner of a music record studio
Film Maker
Owner of Production Company
Artist
Zoo Keeper
Animal Shelter Ambassador/Volunteer
A Cat
Actress
Loved
Interior Designer
Supported
Respected
Understand
Vetenarian
a Mother
a Wife
My mother's joy
Wanted
A Bird
Liked
Selena Gomez
Storyteller
Writer
Happy
Nanny
Time Traveller
None-Existence
Dancer
Funny
Forgiven
Baker
Free
Doctor
Fashion Designer
Event Manager
Free from wars/hatred/fights
Waiter
Barista
Rebellious
Peaceful
*Thats all I guess can't think of anything more that might pop into my mind.
As I type my final post from this rented house, rented room, my last day in this house where memories were made, where traces of my footsteps are marked, a sad feeling overcomes me, a happy feeling overcomes me and I end up in confusion. In terms of friends, I'm glad I learn who to believe, trust and that some are just passing wheels. In terms of growing up, the memories are precious and close to me, if I could see my younger self, I would smile and tell her "not to worry for now, so far its going to be quite okay". Could I have really reach this place, this phase of life where everything was just more than just a simple thing and the simplest thing was just nothing to worry about. I've learned so many things and yet, theres so much more to learn about life. The scary things are still scary, the unknown, the unplanned, and everything about the future is still very scary to me. A poet once wrote " Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering." - Ida Scott Taylor. I learned that it was very true, there are fond memories where I resent, there are precious that I still keep, and there are darkness where I've buried, but here I am still living still learning and still praying to god to show me.
Kindergarten, primary school, secondary school, diploma in university, and next? Only god knows where my next road turn, and only I know the ways to survive it. I've had crushes, I've had heartbreaks, I've had backstabbers, I've had the loner, I've had been called names, I've had so many bad things but with all of that I learn to trust, I learn to know, I learn believe, I learn to see, I learn to love, I learn to hope, and I learn to dream. I learn to trust myself and the decisions I made, I lean to believe that I can make it when it seems like everything was falling apart, I learn to know who is the right people and what is the truth, I learn to see what is beyond that is visible in front of me, I learn to love myself and respect myself more than I used to, I learn to hope because by hope I see another day and I learn to dream which is something I can never define the purpose if I don't reach it but it gives me something to dream about.
It's a sad thing to leave the old me, the girl who was timid and naive. I am not saying I am not that girl anymore but at least I'm far from where I begin. It's a whole new world and this could be the start of a new chapter in my life as one has ended. I honestly say I value and cherish my high school friends Nadee, Emma, and Hudee and for now I wouldn't trade them for anything. As for the passing times, I see the little girl I used to be the changes that I have to sacrifice that I learn till this day and I won't forget that girl and every stepping stone that I grow up to become.
As I lay in this cold bed at 2.47pm I sense the past approaching me. My mind wanders back to the days that were long gone now awoken by my solitude mind. Did I miss this? A part of me did. Have moving on affected that part of me? Yes, I've lost those times I look out the window and question myself and my surrounding and cry inside from the cruelty of the world. I used to have a vision and mission to seek that part of me, of making the world a better place to live in, to share my thoughts and tell them to believe. Yet, now I go about day by day by rebelling by taking the easy route out by forgetting those vision and mission i've once believed in. A part of tells me that it is a part of growing up, a part of me tells me that my believe in the magic was fading. Have I lost my identity and go on living like any normal people would because they have lost hope?
In the cold morning with two roommates sound asleep, I woke up to pray to find an answer. It was still pitch black outside and I switch on the light in hope my two roommates would not wake up. Facing the screen of my laptop with the google sign staring at me, I put my hopes up again, hoping, hoping to make believe that my hope would make my dream come true. I type in "degree applications" in two different tabs for two different private universities.
As I surf through the possibilities that I might just, might just be able to be a student of those universities for degree, my heart sank. It was just not possible to seek financial aid for the course that I want in the university I wish to attend without the financial risk. Despite the help they offer for the status I hold in citizenship, it was still too risky. I won't be able to generate enough money during this few months of holiday to support me and if I could to pay off the course, the day to day expenses was just too expensive. I realise it was imposible to study abroad. My CGPA does not promise me a 100% scholarship or even half the scholarship. Unfortunately this is due to the position of my life now, it was just imposible.
I shut off those tabs I've opened and cried inside. It hurts to know that all the education made possible was just imposible and the person that cause it was by things and situation you know was possible to change. If things were different, if that chance were given because it was possible. I do not wish to elaborate that part of my life but that is just the exact reason.
Will I be able to study abroad in the dream university with the course I want that is at least gives me hope? A hope that I will have a stable future. So I shut my laptop and open my book and decided that reality wins over dream. It was just not possible.
Sign,
-A girl with wishful thoughts-
Have you ever encounter walking down that hall,
passing through a crowd and those haunted voices,
of people talking behind your back.
It's like you're making a walk to the judging table,
and those stories about you were never the truth,
they were exploited to fit their rules,
the rules were who got the best stories to tell.
Than came those who wear their masquerades,
they dance around you wanting you,
but than they were parasits trying to manipulate the truth,
trying to gain more knowledge for their entertainment.
You were played thinking you were wanted,
Some changed to fit the world,
Some cried in pain over the cruelty,
While others felt lost in that world,
Those judgemental comments,
'Did you know she was..'
'I heard she was...'
'I never liked her even before I knew her,'
'She looks so bossy,'
'She thinks she's all that,'
But than did you know her?
You look in the mirror and You question,
Those nasty comment turn reality,
Even your good deeds turns to sin,
You believe maybe they were right,
Than one day you became what they said,
Built that wall and cry inside,
Lash them back through the angers that live inside,
Couldn't blame you,
It was all part of the recipe,
Now you turn into their final product,
It's revenge it's payback,
Who was she?
She was the girl you told stories about,
She seems different,
That's because she's the girl who got rip,
Lost her soul and surrender to the dark,
Now do you see those people who started gun shot,
they were lost souls,
they were rip by the cruelty of human beings,
some turn cruel while some surrender to the world,
that's when the end came,
some took others while others went alone,
But there are still others who still strive to find the light in this cruel world.
Copyright 2012, S.S
