I can't sleep and it's 4.35 p.m now. There's this weird feeling in me. I'm not sure whether it's guilty, afraid or lost. Ill update ya'll tomorrow
Considerations and Wonders
Over the years, many has place this statement over me saying " You don't know what I go through. You never feel it. Maybe when you learn it when you go through it, you will know.". I find that very unfair of that person, because in my opinion I could say the same things to you too. I may be getting what I want but you have no idea what I go through first. It's always unfair for you to judge me without knowing what I have to go through. You may think I get what I want in your eyes, but the pain and mentally distraught that I have to go through isn't as easy as you think. There are days I feel like breaking down and just cry my heart out like a hysterical person. At the end of the day I would sit and resist myself from letting any tears flow. I learn to think and feel hate, sick, and not trusting people that easily. After I learned those little tricks on how to stand strong in front of the people you refuse to look like you're weak, there was a price I have to pay. I was no longer the girl who trusted people easily. I hated crowded places, I don't trust anybody even my family, and I would shut that horrible feelings I feel inside till one day the door can't be locked and everything just came pouring out.
However, when everything came out, I was always alone because I feel whatever I have to say ,talk or maybe write, it's always between me and me alone. When I'm happy, stress, angry or sad, my guitar has always been my bestfriend. There was tears that fell onto the guitar, and laughter that was shared with it. The guitar was my treasure. The one and only thing that doesn't blame me for everything. I feel safe, comforted by each string I pluck when I'm down. But that was one of the things that make me happy. There are days I enjoy sitting inside the water. Let myself drown for awhile. I find the world under the water is quiet and less stressful than the rush of the city or the laid back country side.
Sometimes I wonder and wish, that everything around me would change. I plead for happiness to god, pray he would just give us all some considerations. I remember talking to my brother and I began to realise that he is right. People would never accept or even considerate my thoughts or proposal. To them, they were right, they are the eldest and they were the ones who faced the most amoung us all because they are the eldest. Turns out, as I said this I realise they reminded me of somebody else in my life that I often resent to talk of or pretend to more often than I should. I was the puppet that nod when I needed too and shook my head when I need to.
It's a tiring life I live in, and somedays, I would love to just sleep and never wake up and let the world slip away as if it was not important if I wasn't present in it. Because at the end of the day, that was what I felt. I serve no purpose in this chaotic situation. One thing I often pray is, for no fights to break in this place I often stay.
True Self Is Told Through The Eyes..
I know I'm weird for saying these but I sort of have like this sixth sense when I'm around people. Most of the time I can't sense people who are bad or not good. Amazingly I'm attracted to people who are good. I'm not saying attracted like love attracted, there is this addoration and a part of me that wish I could be like that person and ended up striving to be that person. It takes awhile for me to get used to it. As some would say I'm being judgemental even though I don't know that person. Well perhaps that is me and maybe it's my weakness,
I'm sorry. Somehow, as I go through all the people I look up to, they have their flaws but they make me believe that they are normal. Nobody's perfect right ? I would take the good things about them and try to plant them in me. Example, Sophia Bush is a strong person, based on the story I have read about her past mariage with Chad. Selena Gomez is charitable and doesn't mind about what people say, like when people talk about her feud with Miley Cyrus. I actually learn to stay quiet when people gossip about me in school because of her. I figured if she can do it, why can't I?
So tell me something, have you ever look at a picture and instantly read that persons eyes like it's a language that you understand but you don't know how. I have, an I find it amazing. I learn to appreciate little stuff. I also have this sometime habit when I don't trust or dislike or have a crush on that person, my eyes would not focus to his/her eyes while we're in a conversation. It's bad I know, but I'm trying to work on that habit.
It's amazing right how the eyes could tell a story. Sometimes I wonder what people see through my eyes. Am I nice, good, or bad and naughty? It really is a mystery. Most of the time I would think myself as the person who is bad. Like I have not enough you see. Try looking through their eyes and tell me what do you really see and what it is trying to tell you? Try a candid picture, it's always easier to read.
What is Perfect ? Is It Worth Being One ?
I'll admit it, that I'm not much of a different with some other girls who aren't pround of their body. Upon reaching puberty years, I gained weight massively, leaving me to become a plus size kid that is often being teased. Being a plus size isn't as easy as you think. The feeling when you go to stores or walk past through a mirror is really depressing. There would be dozens of beautiful and pretty clothes and dresses but none of the size fit me. My dressings is constantly T-Shirts, Jeans and Sweaters. When I look in the mirror, I feel disgusted towards myself, because I felt ugly on the outside and inside. After being fat, I remembered it leaving a big impact on my life and my personality. My confidence shattered, my bubbly self was gone, I was insecure, and I don't take jokes easily. All the magazines that laid around in my house, didn't help much. They are always filled with women with slim, skinny and beautiful figure with no blemishes and flaws. I always thought they were perfect.
I spend my high school years being fat and I wasn't anyone's crush. Never had a boyfriend and I was to scared to make friends because I thought they hated me. You could ask my friends who have been there since I was 13 years old and they would say, my self-esteem is usually the reason why we all have fights. Aside from other problems I'm dealing with, the weight of my body and my looks didn't help me get through my sophomore year. I had acne and I was the one to call myself ugly.
During that time, my mother would let me buy magazines. Since clothing stores was not my main shop that I would go to everytime I went to the mall, book shops would be my escape and my sanctuary. After reading books and magazine, I began to realise that I have wasted 2 years in a row of enjoying my high school life because I was fat. On the day my cousin opened her book shoped, I spotted a magazine with Hilary Duff on the cover. During that time I was a fan of her, and so I pleaded to my mother to let me buy the magazine. It was quite expensive, but the magazine became my life saver and my manual book to get through high school. The magazine was called "Dolly". It thought me everything I need to learn about personal stuff, confidence, and many more. My mother was impressed by the impact the magazine had left me. Now, I would say proudly that I buy Dolly's issue every month. There are some months that I missed their issue because I couldn't go to the store to buy them. Apart from that, I have came across another magazine that is similar to Dolly wih great articles inside them. During that time, the cover of the magazine was Emma Watson. I was her biggest fan after making a promise with my cousin( who owned the bookshop ) to watch "Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince". She was on the cover of "Girlfriend". That was the first time I saw the magazine. When I bought it, I thought I was wasting my money and that it's gonna be my first and last issue for this magazine. It turned out the articles inside "Girlfriend" thought me a lot. I was a bit upset though that I didn't see the magazine earlier. I am 17 years old now, and in the future, I couldn't be holding a teenager's magazine all around. These magazine had thought me that nobody is perfect and that no one can be you because only you can be you an that makes you special. I had also loose weight, not for the wrong reasons. I loose weight because I wanted to be healthy and not end up in the hospital because my weight was the cause of it. I wanted to loose weight because I wanted to look nice in dresses and clothes.
However, I do admit, I'm not all the time that confident in myself. There are days I just feel a little bit off and began criticising myself in front of the mirror. Sometimes words of inspiration from the people I look up to helps me. Examples, like Selena Gomez, Emma Watson and Sophia Bush.
Recently I stumble across a video from seventeen, in campaigning about loving your weight.
Selena Gomez's Debut Album " Kiss and Tell" featuring her band "The Scene"
Besides playing the character of Alex Russo in the disney series Wizards of Waverly place, one of the cast in Barney's for season 8 and the ambassador of Unicef, Selena Marie Gomez has added a new talent to her resume. Recently Selena Gomez has signed a deal with Hollywood Records to record her debut album. She had also recruited some members to her own band called "The Scene". The idea of having the band called "The Scene" came from "her haters" which often said that she loves to make a scene. Selena however never thought it meant that they were criticising her ( if I was her, I think I myself wouldn't thought that they were criticising me until someone told me ).
I remembered reading somewhere that she said "If you can't beat them, join them" which was why she ended up calling her band "The Scene". At first Hollywood Records wasn't so keen on her having a band, but in the end they came to an agreement of still having a band and ended up with "Selena Gomez and The Scene" . The Scene band consist of Ethan, Joey, and Greg 
.After a long hard work , her album was finally released on September 29, 2009 ! Her album sold 66,000 copies the first week. Her first single "Falling Down", was released on August 21, 2009. While her music video was premiered after the world premiere of her TV-movie Wizard of Waverly Place : The Movie on August 28, 2009. Selena had also co-wrote the song " I won't applogize " which is the 2nd track on her " Kiss and Tell" album. Selena Gomez and The Scene - Falling Down
Yesterday, Selena Gomez released her 2nd single, titled "Naturally" which is on track 7 in her debut album "Kiss and Tell". Here is the video ( 3 hours after the video was released on Twitter I posted it on my blog, but unfortunetly it can only be viewed by only people who has twitter accounts). Today, SelenaGomezVevo has graciously upload the video on youtube for many of her fans to see. So I removed the early one I had posted and replace it with a new one so enjoy !)
Selena Gomez and The Scene - Naturally
Selena has many other projects that she is planning on. Aside from being an actress, now a singer, there are also a buzz saying that she is planning on having a clothing line. However, I haven't done much of a research on her clothing line plans. All that I am assure of that, her clothing line is called "Dream Out Loud". Despite her style, I think I might like her clothing line. As it is, Selena has been much of a style icon to me. Selena will also be playing Beezus in the movie "Ramona and Beezus" that is set to premiere on October 14th, 2010. The movie is based on a book that is written by Beverly Clearly. Anyway, I hope and wish her the best in her upcoming projects. Here's the promo for her album .Dream Out Loud by Selena Gomez
Selena Gomez is having her own clothing line ! Recently she spoke of her new work in progress that she is having her own clothing line. She told sources that ;
"With my line, I really want to give the customer options on how they can put their own looks together,” she said. “I want the pieces that can be easy to dress up or down, and the fabrics being eco-friendly and organic are superimportant. Also, the tags will all have some of my inspirational quotes on them. I’m just looking to send a good message.”
In my opinion, I love her style. It's chicky, edgy and also cute. She is one of my style icon aside from Emma Watson and Sophia Bush. The one thing I love the most is that the clothes are youthful and eco-friendly. Plus, I love the creative idea of placing inspirational quotes on the tags of the clothes. In a way she is actually giving young generations inspiration. These are some of her clothes that I manage to get.
Selena had also did a photoshoot this year for Seventeen magazine cover. She talked about her style and what she likes and dont's. This are some of the videos I manage to grab. Hope you enjoy them !
p/s: Selena has also started her own production company called July Moon Productions.I wish her much luck in her career !
Twilight Saga : Music Videos
From the firt sequel of the Twilight Saga, Paramore had made an amazing video with the song Decode she wrote for the film. Here it is,
Paramore - Decode
The 2nd sequel to the Twilight Saga was New Moon which premiered on November 21st 2009. For the 2nd sequel, they had made three music videos from the movie. All three songs are part of the New Moon Soundtrack which can be found in stores worlwide. Their first single was "Meet me on the Equinox" by Death Cab for Cutie, second music video was "Satelite Heart " by Anya Marina and their latest released single from New Moon soundtrack is "Solar Midnite" by Lupe Fiasco. Here are the videos and I hope you enjoy them .
Death Cab For Cutie - Meet Me On The Equinox
Anya Maria - Satelite Heart
Lupe Fiasco - Solar Midnite
Cool Widget ! You can also see Edward Cullen's Birthdate !
There will be another one that will remain on my blog. But it will be at the bottom of the blog because I can't find the right place to place it : )
Distance..
In this moment, I expected something big to happen. I don't mean a big thing to happen , I mean something more meaningful, something that can tell me something and prove to me that life is worth living for. As days past by, I began to feel the distance on the reason I find life is worth living for. When I sit near the people close to me, I feel the barrier and the wall that is formed emotionally. I don't know where I stand in their hearts and minds. Everytime I look, there's always this feeling that is telling me that they are sick of me or they find me intimidating. If that's the case, I would rather stay away from family affairs and the problems that circulate secretly amoung them. I began to feel the secrets I hold is a burden and the misunderstandings just complicates my life more. It's better to live alone, because the problems that surround you can be solve only by you alone. I can't talk of my problems with people, I can't have fun with people and I can't seem to be myself with people.
When she tells me that "we all use our own money to pay", I understood the meaning behind it. You don't need to tell me because I know myself. You could have leave that little insignificant detail out.I'm not working, I don't have a career, and the path I'm choosing in a career is something that rarely happens and it's crazy. I know you try to isolate me, but everytime I tell it to some close people they seem to think that I was too sensitive or "well she's gotta point. maybe so.". I guees that's why I feel much more at ease around my friends, friends that is worth being around sometimes. Though the group is so small and limited, there are times I feel like I don't belong. I walk amoung strangers, some would say "hey you !" and I would look at that person, I would greet her but theres a part of me that makes me feel like I'm not here. I don't know who I am and where I belong.
It's been going on for a long time and I myself have reach the edge of the point and the line that divides between sanity and insanity, good and bad, loyalty and betrayal.If there was a wish that god would grant me, I would ask "What am I doing here ?".
All Over The Place...
There was a time, a few minutes ago I felt freedom, no leach, no string attach, and no pressure from my surroundings. But it lasted only for a moment, a minute only. I felt like a bird. Though during that moment I was concious of my situation I felt like I was there finally there. No more shield, no more boundaries. However it was too good to be true. Truth be told I should've known better. Nothing last forever, and god never let you go that easily to enjoy your days on earth. I sighed as I sat here and write my first post after months of absence from the world that I've avoid for awhile willing and unwillingly. Anger filled my heart plus lonely. Wondering where did I went wrong, why am I being shield. If forever I will be shield by people I will never learn the real world. I feel hopeless.
I feel like when I'm outside, I don't know how to cross the streets. Unaware of my surroundings. Spacing out and afraid of love. Lost my trust towards the people. Even the ones I have trusted before. I don't know everybody. I'm tired of telling people, "ouh I never did that" or " my family is protective of me" or "I'm sorry I can't". It sucks you know? It's like this home is turning into a dungeon while I wait for my prince to take me. Unfortunetly I don't believe in prince charming.. I don't believe in fairytale life. I don't believe in any of it. It's stupid and pretty much reckless for me to believe in. Day by day I turn more rebelious towards the world. I hate it with all my heart. The world I live in, the world I'm standing on, the world that isolates me !
I can't stand here day by day waiting what takes me? Where I'm going? Who will help me? The reason this question lingers around is because you never let me. Never let me make my own choice. I'm afraid to tell you my dream because I'm afraid you'll protest. You'll say I'm crazy and you won't approve. At the end of the day you would say to me if I ever fall accidently that "I told you so". You don't know me. Nobody knows the secrets I hide from others . I die bit by bit each day. I work everyday, writing lyrics, hoping whatever I wrote and felt would help others in the future. This is because music helped me through my problem. I find answers in music and lyrics. You might think I'm crazy and it's just a thing that exist to help people move their body but to me music move my heart and my feet to the right position. One of the reasons I'm still standing and taking the right road.
You weren't there. Through the tears that fall in the shower, mourning over my life in the morning. Gazing out the window as twilight approaches because that is how I feel inside. The day has ended yet there is still light. However I still wonder when will dawn come again or if I will ever see a dawn again? I can't be there like a pole standing . I'm not a bird of message or a messenger. I have my own life. If for a second this world and memory could wipe away from my thoughts I have a clearer picture of me. I grew up when I was 13. I learn tp be 20 when I was 14. Tell me, do you see my pain, my insanity, the confidence I lost, the trust that I had in people shattered accross the floor. Do you see that ? You don't know me. You think you know me but you don't. I can't go telling you this is what I like and this is not what I like? You lost me four years ago and you thought you can just appear and tell me to do this and that. No forgiveness. Do you realise you never utter the word " I'm sorry " for what I've done. Do you see that? It has always been me, me that , me this. How about the days I shut myself from the world ? The day I cry over and over again non stop? Or maybe the day I look in the mirror and tears began to fall for no reason. That person in me is fighting to mourn, cry and break out. Yet my sanity told me that I'll never come back if I take that step. I console myself ! You were gone through everything. For that many songs have been written for you. Thank you for the inspiration but I hope you don't expect happy songs about you. I'm sorry. I'm tired of saying "thank you" , "I'm sorry", "It's my mistake", "okay", "yes please" and " I will do it". There will come a day when I might turn my back on you and everybody and walk off. On that day, don't be suprise . You took my sanity away and exchange it with depress and selfless. You never trusted me. You never believed in me. I'm tired. Exhausted ! Mentally and emotionally.
