All Over The Place...

There was a time, a few minutes ago I felt freedom, no leach, no string attach, and no pressure from my surroundings. But it lasted only for a moment, a minute only. I felt like a bird. Though during that moment I was concious of my situation I felt like I was there finally there. No more shield, no more boundaries. However it was too good to be true. Truth be told I should've known better. Nothing last forever, and god never let you go that easily to enjoy your days on earth. I sighed as I sat here and write my first post after months of absence from the world that I've avoid for awhile willing and unwillingly. Anger filled my heart plus lonely. Wondering where did I went wrong, why am I being shield. If forever I will be shield by people I will never learn the real world. I feel hopeless.
I feel like when I'm outside, I don't know how to cross the streets. Unaware of my surroundings. Spacing out and afraid of love. Lost my trust towards the people. Even the ones I have trusted before. I don't know everybody. I'm tired of telling people, "ouh I never did that" or " my family is protective of me" or "I'm sorry I can't". It sucks you know? It's like this home is turning into a dungeon while I wait for my prince to take me. Unfortunetly I don't believe in prince charming.. I don't believe in fairytale life. I don't believe in any of it. It's stupid and pretty much reckless for me to believe in. Day by day I turn more rebelious towards the world. I hate it with all my heart. The world I live in, the world I'm standing on, the world that isolates me !
I can't stand here day by day waiting what takes me? Where I'm going? Who will help me? The reason this question lingers around is because you never let me. Never let me make my own choice. I'm afraid to tell you my dream because I'm afraid you'll protest. You'll say I'm crazy and you won't approve. At the end of the day you would say to me if I ever fall accidently that "I told you so". You don't know me. Nobody knows the secrets I hide from others . I die bit by bit each day. I work everyday, writing lyrics, hoping whatever I wrote and felt would help others in the future. This is because music helped me through my problem. I find answers in music and lyrics. You might think I'm crazy and it's just a thing that exist to help people move their body but to me music move my heart and my feet to the right position. One of the reasons I'm still standing and taking the right road.
You weren't there. Through the tears that fall in the shower, mourning over my life in the morning. Gazing out the window as twilight approaches because that is how I feel inside. The day has ended yet there is still light. However I still wonder when will dawn come again or if I will ever see a dawn again? I can't be there like a pole standing . I'm not a bird of message or a messenger. I have my own life. If for a second this world and memory could wipe away from my thoughts I have a clearer picture of me. I grew up when I was 13. I learn tp be 20 when I was 14. Tell me, do you see my pain, my insanity, the confidence I lost, the trust that I had in people shattered accross the floor. Do you see that ? You don't know me. You think you know me but you don't. I can't go telling you this is what I like and this is not what I like? You lost me four years ago and you thought you can just appear and tell me to do this and that. No forgiveness. Do you realise you never utter the word " I'm sorry " for what I've done. Do you see that? It has always been me, me that , me this. How about the days I shut myself from the world ? The day I cry over and over again non stop? Or maybe the day I look in the mirror and tears began to fall for no reason. That person in me is fighting to mourn, cry and break out. Yet my sanity told me that I'll never come back if I take that step. I console myself ! You were gone through everything. For that many songs have been written for you. Thank you for the inspiration but I hope you don't expect happy songs about you. I'm sorry. I'm tired of saying "thank you" , "I'm sorry", "It's my mistake", "okay", "yes please" and " I will do it". There will come a day when I might turn my back on you and everybody and walk off. On that day, don't be suprise . You took my sanity away and exchange it with depress and selfless. You never trusted me. You never believed in me. I'm tired. Exhausted ! Mentally and emotionally.