Considerations and Wonders

Over the years, many has place this statement over me saying " You don't know what I go through. You never feel it. Maybe when you learn it when you go through it, you will know.". I find that very unfair of that person, because in my opinion I could say the same things to you too. I may be getting what I want but you have no idea what I go through first. It's always unfair for you to judge me without knowing what I have to go through. You may think I get what I want in your eyes, but the pain and mentally distraught that I have to go through isn't as easy as you think. There are days I feel like breaking down and just cry my heart out like a hysterical person. At the end of the day I would sit and resist myself from letting any tears flow. I learn to think and feel hate, sick, and not trusting people that easily. After I learned those little tricks on how to stand strong in front of the people you refuse to look like you're weak, there was a price I have to pay. I was no longer the girl who trusted people easily. I hated crowded places, I don't trust anybody even my family, and I would shut that horrible feelings I feel inside till one day the door can't be locked and everything just came pouring out.
However, when everything came out, I was always alone because I feel whatever I have to say ,talk or maybe write, it's always between me and me alone. When I'm happy, stress, angry or sad, my guitar has always been my bestfriend. There was tears that fell onto the guitar, and laughter that was shared with it. The guitar was my treasure. The one and only thing that doesn't blame me for everything. I feel safe, comforted by each string I pluck when I'm down. But that was one of the things that make me happy. There are days I enjoy sitting inside the water. Let myself drown for awhile. I find the world under the water is quiet and less stressful than the rush of the city or the laid back country side.
Sometimes I wonder and wish, that everything around me would change. I plead for happiness to god, pray he would just give us all some considerations. I remember talking to my brother and I began to realise that he is right. People would never accept or even considerate my thoughts or proposal. To them, they were right, they are the eldest and they were the ones who faced the most amoung us all because they are the eldest. Turns out, as I said this I realise they reminded me of somebody else in my life that I often resent to talk of or pretend to more often than I should. I was the puppet that nod when I needed too and shook my head when I need to.
It's a tiring life I live in, and somedays, I would love to just sleep and never wake up and let the world slip away as if it was not important if I wasn't present in it. Because at the end of the day, that was what I felt. I serve no purpose in this chaotic situation. One thing I often pray is, for no fights to break in this place I often stay.