As I lay in the cold bed with dim lights I shed a tear. I close my eyes and I see the girl, the girl I've missed for so long, the one I left to move on and the reason I am present now. That girl lay there beside me, our eyes looking into each other and she smiles. Could've I been selfish to leave her to find answers and future? I lay there looking into her eyes, the pain, the hurt, the scars, the lost of hope were present.
That's when I stopped being disappointed, that's when I stopped living, that's when my my life for passion in music begin, from living in the dark. I had nothing to loose, everyday was just a waste for me. I chose not to go to school somedays, sleepless nights laying and staring at the ceiling, coming home from school and escape to the other world whenever I close my eyes, that was my life. Family meant nothing, living meant nothing, I was just wasting my days with memories that was erased as soon as the day ended. Now, I want those days, I was less disappointed with no hope, no expectation and no future to strive and live for.
Missing The Dark
What if?
There is something over life that we question the possibilities if it comes true. What if things were different in certain aspects? I share this video because I understand and I wonder.
This Chapter
"The same very steps that I took everytime as I parked my car I thought. It was never a home it was just a house filled with fake memories, pretentious me, and the walls that stand were victims and witnesses of the pain and sins I've done. I played with my ring on my middle finger, a promise of four words I made to myself everyday when I wake up to believe in faith and destiny that dreams are goals one wishes to achieve as a route with the hope that is embedded in life even though things encourages us to give up and the love that supposedly keeps the world moving. The walk was heavy even for such a short distance as I finally reach the gate, rang the newly improved bell that is still new from the parts provided along with newly open residential area.
The door opens and soon the gate made the creak sound as it opens forward, stepping back to let it through, I entered the small space that was made and lead me into the small garage that is parked with two lavish cars. Symphony of waters and birds surrounded the garden of the house with the squealing and laughters of children from next door. He stood there and a side of me was kept neatly in the cupboard replaced with another of me when I'm with him, this side of me that was fearful, that was striving to be perfect, that was shielding her emotions which turned numb over the years, the person who he thought he knew but it was just a way to protect myself and my sanity that hopes to please him.
Never the less, the same conversation goes about, the same tactic was used, and the same answers were given along with the same gestures. My heart screams of telling the truth, my brain shut it out assuring that it was not the time. It was never a home, it was a place of prison, a place of control, a place where rules were rules not meant to be broke, it was a place full of lies and pretentious hoping to please one who does not deserve.
The same goodbye was said, the same feeling, the same thoughts came to mind, " I wish you knew who I really am, what I'm capable of, believe that I have as much talent as the ones you've place on a pedestal, petted their head and praises as if your own". Yet, a smile and the simple three words was said that was unsure that was a bullet shot three times for meaning it fully. Every drive back, I linger on the road, speeding through, hoping to leave the marks behind but the pitch black history of past will always haunt me and has been for days, weeks, years of my life."
- A story I wrote halfway as I listen to Broken Angel by Boyce Avenue.
The Mediator : 2nd Part (Working Title)
I sat there watching people dancing and enjoying the soft music, moving slowly like trees blown softly by the wind in the evening. The garden lit up with candles and lanterns, vines and flowers crept the fence at a small reunion of two beautiful people in Deryck's life. Dress in a champagne halter neck dress with embroidery of flowers, a vintage from my late grandmother's collection embodied my body perfectly. It felt like it was sewn for me that left me thinking if she was in the exact position I was when she wore this dress, sitting in a daze at a table across the dance floor.
As people shift back and forth dancing to the rhythm of music a black shadow moved towards me pass the moving people with a smile on his face. Dark hair, tall, deep blue sparkly eyes, smartly dress in a suit stands before me offering his hand. I look up to him and my lips copied the smile that was on his. My mind contemplated but my heart urges me to take it as soon as I look into his eyes. Letting my heart take over I took his hand and we made our way to the now not so crowded dance floor.
He placed both my hand on his shoulder and place his on my back and we began moving in harmony to the rhythm of the music. It was the slow dance session, and if my memory serves me right I was pretty sure it was a song called Secret Garden by Bruce Springsteen playing in the background. As he leaded the dance, I realise that I was dancing without stepping on his toes or missing a step, being a well known of a bad dancer I am. Instantaneously, I look up to him with a smile as if he understood the happiness I felt over my little achievement he kiss my head and pulled me closer to hug him. My heart shattered deep inside and my tears hangs slightly on the edge of my eyelid like a bucket filled with water waiting to spill over. Slowly I push him and took two steps back before leaving him jilted on the dance floor.
I made my past the gazebo where Deryck's father got married, past the isle, past the bridge until I finally reach a point where I was lost at a walkway with tall pillars along it covered in vines. My heart felt like it was suffocating, hurting so deep at the thought of the mistakes, the promise that was broken and my tears came running down. The vibration of my phone caught me off guard and I press reject, not in the mood to answer the same question over again from Natalie. The back of my head throb as I my mind flashes back.
"You told me Hilda was your only girlfriend, you never told me you had a fiance !" I said before I hit him on the face and left him alone at the cemetery.
My mind shifted to the time he saved me by letting the shelf hit him instead of me,
"You lied to me when you were dating Brian behind my back and that makes it equal for the two us." crouching on the floor holding his head trying to calm himself.
"She was never suppose to be your ghost, she was mine. As far as I'm concern any ghost we encounter no longer requires sharing any form of information. You're on your own." leaving me alone at a cemetery in the cold midnight.
"I never love you, I was there because my mother told me you were a new mediator in need of help. You were just somebody to fill the void when Alicia left me."
The more the memories kept flashing into my head, the more headache I get from trying to reason with myself with the situation I'm in. I tried calming myself, trying to get some air into my lungs but all I felt was as if my chest was being pressed down from a big hard iron.
"You can't hide from me forever, in the world we live in you and I are meant to come across each other" he said.
I ignored his statement and started looking into my purse, pretending not to hear a word he said. The soft wind blew and I can hear the the dried autumn leaves crisping as they scrape themselves across the hard pavement of the walkaway and scatter around.
*This is just some scenes that were playing in my head for the characters I've created about 4 to 5 years ago. The problem is I can't get the scene out of my head but I'm currently writing the beginning of the 2nd part of the story and they just declared themselves as boyfriend and girlfriend and happy as ever. Haven't got any inspiration on how the early parts should workout but these are some of the bits and pieces with a little rough grammar error and not so good construction of sentence and all but u get the rough idea in your head. Hope you enjoy :D
The Times I Spend
As the rain pours outside, my mind begin to wonder on how fearless I've become over the years. The sound of the thunder used to leave me scrambling for my mother or a trusted person's touch against my skin, the lightning used to scare me thinking it might strike me at any given moment so I stayed on something that was not made of steel which meant the covers, lights was vital to me, even the dim light would not work for me, opening the window this late at night was not an option. Looking at myself now, my past would have been surprised. Sitting on a bench by the window next to my guitar listening to Erin McCarley with an open window and the pouring rain with thunder and lightning. I find myself intrigued, more or less I'm more fearless that I used to be.
My holiday was spend on reading books, constantly hiding behind them as everybody else was busy, working, classes, boyfriends, vacation and many more. I didn't realise till today that I miss just doing that. I used to be this mysterious quiet girl and that was the exact definition of myself that I'm searching for. Nobody knew me, but if someone knew me it meant they got to know me themselves before judging me straight on end. However, the type of music on my Itunes seems to be a little off, unlike the usual old stuff I used to listen to, too much oldies or too much up beat current top songs. I just had to accept that people change and I'm no exception though I remain or try to keep a part of my past of my identity that sometimes comes and goes within me.
There are days that I used to a lot of things that I don't do now. I used to live in the moment, sipping in the ambience and the feeling that empowers me everytime something caught my attention. I talk to myself less in my mind, I used to have a lonely conversations that was between me and myself and that was enough for me. It was the many ways of conversation that felt safe to me. Yet, among all the days I had times to reminisce and just sit without doing anything had made my mind question and often most I kept wondering if there were errands or assignment I needed to run, someone I needed to meet or possible something I need to submit. It felt wrong to just sit and not do anything. That was the moment I realise, I've dive into the crowd of people who never sit and always on the fast lane. I've become those impatient ones who tap their fingers, who lose their ability to just accept the situation as it is or overlook them because time didn't spare for those who wait or learn to understand.
A year ago, I had traveled by bus with a certain friend to the mall which took about an hour. I saw an old man walk into the bus, dress in an old shirt and thin up to a point you can see nothing but bones. I kept quiet but my mind tick at the thought of his family, maybe I was wrong but didn't he had any children? Did people offer help to those in his positions? Yet, that was my mind just wander into reckless thoughts. When I took up courses like this, it was meant to tell me the side people overlook the one I used to wonder that people never thought off but I was sucked into "making it" and I let it get the best of me. I've adapted people's way of writing that was thought in class and forgotten mine, I've committed myself into giving to please people not what they needed to hear or see. For that I was disappointed in myself. At the end of the day, I accepted that I'm human and prone to stumble into these situations.
Long Forgotten Unnotice
Every year teaches me something, to be stronger, to be firm, to not let petty things affect me so easily, to fight for my own will and along the way, I cry less, I was less tolerant, I was ignorant, I give back the way people has mistreated me. For that, I had forgotten what I wanted to do in life. All I ever wanted was to put a smile, to help, to not care if my kindess was repaid or not, to make the world a better place even if it's just one soul and to share with the world that there is beauty if you just watch.
Past history had carved every inch of me, the good, the bad, the soldier, the lady I am today. I fell too many times to not let it break me every time. Every crack on that wall was a wound that never healed overtime. What else could I expect from this cold life has to offer me? I was desperate to be accepted. I was desperate to not let people misuse and mistreat me every again. I had to stay strong but inside I was retaliating, I was unraveling. I wanted to be accepted but not by being a doormat.
So tell me, how did I forget my purpose my mission in life?
All of Yesterdays
Did it pass by and not haunt us,
Was it written to be read again,
Here I am always close,
I am here never fading like a stain,
I smile in a crowded room,
my heart aches of pain,
the vines of thorns that looms,
darkness of bitter...
I am here always lending a hand,
temptation of nightmares,
why am I here in this cruel land,
is this right, is this fair,
I fell for the past,
I walk in fading faith and believe,
The same road alone again,
I'm still here the one that's there for you,
Tired eyes and mind,
I slept and slip into the notes,
every piece as if so kind,
pasting my soul,
breaking my heart,
to form what was broken,
Changing of fingers,
black and white was simple,
the mergence of them turns beauty,
tells a story need no words,
Just a simple key,
to answer with a few notes,
Sometimes there's no need of words,
If you close your eyes,
You will be cradled with a melodious piece,
Copyright by S.S, 2012
The Bright Sun May Just Be The Twilight of The Day
"I close my eyes and I travel in my mind to a place where I can be alone. It's hard to find time when all those time are shared with people. I open my eyes, I see the beach, the sound of the waves, the wind blowing against my skin. My heart breaks and aches but I still held the tears and just let my senses work their way into the moment.
Years of punishment, years of anger, years of disappointment and all those years of lost, thought me so much. A step front, a step back, the sand against my feet, the water sinking myself into the sand slowly. I wish I could fly like the birds, I wish I could just be alone, I had no one to depend on, no one to question my step, no one to make me feel of what a burden I could be. I change, I don't shed the tears as I used to when I was small, I was hard because I was betrayed, I lost my trust because I was in pain.
I walk alone around the beach in my mind with closed eyes. I didn't feel scared, I didn't feel caged, I didn't feel obliged, I just want to see the world for it's beauty. The world I see filled with falling leaves and flowers in the fall, the cold wind of twilight, the stars and sun sharing a moment at twilight. All I want to hear was the sound of children's laughter, two people holding hands without fear of what the future my hold, squirrels running around not cautious of the human beings. The world where everything was free from trouble.
Slowly the clouds turns dark and it was night, the cold night decorated with stars and a special ornament called the moon. The beach filled with celebration lights, a bonfire, a story was shared, and I still wonder if this was achievable. I close my eyes and it all went crashing down, the walls were restraining the fears, the sadness, the betrayal felt all those years and a shot of light turns dim before it even began. Than I realise, no matter how much I love you, it was never enough to erase the pain you've cause me, never enough to convince me, it was always and will always be a burden to you that I ever existed."
(Anonymus, 2012)
Moving Roads, Moving Minds, Passing Life
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| It's a Beautiful Life, Yet there's something behind them |
Her life principle was to live in the moment, yet she seemed too busy to even believe that it was possible. Close events has brought so much difference and it seemed those dark memories she hid has tainted her perception. Yesterday, today and tomorrow thought so much of the good and bad and she realise that those walls she built all these years was now strong to handle the tidal waves.
Death, it never really struck her that it would repeat itself in such short period of time. One by one, like falling petals from a magic rose that resembles the life of the beast. One by one she realise how short life is. Yet, she sat in the room now, working on her work that needs to be pass up first thing on Monday. So, she continues her life, ignoring the pain, ignoring the tears that are banging on the doors of her heart to be release.
Walk Down The Same Route
I was driving to pick my friend up from her house and stopped by the traffic light and saw three boys in school uniform walking towards the housing area. I smiled and my mind shifted back three years ago, the boys could've been the naughty boys in my badge three years ago thats walking towards the housing area now,who are considered trouble kids in school. Their style seems the same like nothing changes. Shirt untuck, sling back across their shoulder, long hair and pants that are slipping off their back. It feels like nothing has pass by, but the faces changed, and the time changes things. I smiled and was back to reality when the traffic light turned green. I drove leaving my mark behind.
I turned to park my car at one of the parking bay at my friend's apartment only to walk down the same route I took three years ago to her house. It seemed like nothing changed, yet some changes were obvious at the moment. My driving the car and more independent than I used to, meeting old friends who doesn't go to the same school. It only hit me two days ago, when my friend picked me up in her car for a drink while waiting for her baby brother to finish class. Her baby brother would've been us years ago. I smile at the thought when I drove by high school and squealed that my old high school has a buss stop now. To top it all off I asked if the old lady who sell drinks still does since her baby brother goes there, when she told she's still there I jump inside in happiness to think that some things just doesn't change but remain.
Sudden change in time, I didn't realise how things just pass by so fast. It only felt like yesterday when I was back in high school and next year I'll be graduating with diploma. I smile for the things god showed me, the things god let me see about the little things that surround me.
Just a thought and an update
I'm on holiday now, have been for a month actually. I seem to have been caught up with classes and to be precise, music classes. The honest truth is, chasing dreams isn't as easy as dreaming about it. I have begun to realise it takes a lot of hardwork and passion and even that does not promise you will get there. No doubt, my stress level has been fluctuating due to many life problems what with the things that I could only learn within 2 months. However, I believe you gotta start somewhere or you'll never even start at all and by the end of your life, you'll regret for not at least trying.
Short Verses of Anger
I'm not one to say the most in things that occur but over time, we couldn't hold it in for too long, like a time bomb that waits for the right time. I've began to see things in my own eyes but in another angle that not many realises. I've been mistreated, taken for granted and i couldn't really express my true thoughts and feelings.
Jealousy could make one deny they actually has it but rarely they come to a point they train themselves to overcome it. However, when one is indenial, it leads to one mistreating a person to the core where they don't realise limitations sets a line where one shouldn't cross. You be little that person, you criticize that person, you say it as a tease and playful bullying but it's a crime in the emotional law. It is not right to let others affect you and therefore I decided to finally fight back. I'm not a 10 year old, I'm an adult that has learn life takes you through so many course but if you don't learn from them you could be making the same mistakes and regret it at the end of your life. Many might complain for the changes in me but I for one find that you might have to see the complains I have for you. I'm tired and I'm NOT letting this pass me by like it used to.
9 Years of Growing Along With Them
Hello readers, I realise I have not updated my blog for so long because of my daily busy life. However, I decided to take time off and write something that has been very close to my heart for years. I practically grow with this story and it's something I've cherish all my life since I learn of this series. I'm pretty sure you're wondering what am I talking about, it's about the series I have followed since the age of 12 years old called One Tree Hill.
One Tree Hill is a story that started off about two brothers with the same father, different mothers who didn't get along and small town of friends and family overcoming their life obstacles. Each character has a story to tell, something to teach and something to learn about life. However we go on with life, it might seem crazy to actually believe that the drama the characters have to overcome is just too much in a person's daily life, look again. We may not overcome those drama in such a short period of time but we do have to deal with them from time to time. Hence, this is me telling you the things I learn from this series, I learn to deal with life, try to look on the other side and make believe in something that I thought wasn't unachievable at one time.
Nine years of being a fan of One Tree Hill and look at where I am now, a university students pursuing the course I wanted and learning at the same time from the challenges that life has to offer. I learn to make my own decisions because of the series, I made it through high school and made the best of them because of the series and the quotes they have inspired me to do. I miss those moments to tell you the truth. One Tree Hill thought me how to take time and just breathe and look out the window to see the things we overlook. Nine years of teaching me and probably thousands of other fans and I still think there's more to teach but I think the class is over and it's time for me to maybe handle it on my own or maybe teach others of what I've learnt. I relate myself to almost each and every character in this series and I took their steps in overcoming the problems I've face that are similar to theirs.
One Tree Hill started of with the two basic character of Lucas and Nathan Scott who fought out of anger, out of jealousy, out of ridiculous things kids fight about but they found closure and understanding and soon turn to be friends. Then we have Haley James Scott, Brooke Davis, Peyton Sawyer, Antwon, Marving Mcfaden ( Mouth ) and the elders Karen Roe, Keith Scott, Dan Scott, and Debra Scott. As the series goes on, just like anybody's life, some people move, leave, and die yet, there are others who came, joined, stayed and stood by our side till the end. New characters were introduced between seasons like Clay Evans, Quinn James, Taylor James, Logan, Julian Baker, James Lucas Scott (Jamie), and Milicent Huxtable. They stayed till the end to share their part of the story of life. It would take forever to tell and explain the story of each and everyone of the characters of One Tree Hill but I'll share you some of my favorite.
The character of Lucas Scott pretty much is a complicated man who doesn't know how to make a decision but I'm surprise and a little bit annoyed how he ended up with Peyton Sawyer but maybe that's for the best despite the hurt he had cause Brooke Davis over and over again. His interest in literature kindda caught my attention as I have passion for literature quotes and that's why he is unique in his own way apart from having a great taste in music and also a basketball player. There's not much to talk of his character, he has his anger and grudge for his father but he looks on the other side in seeking answers and not let that grudge hold him back everytime. Giving people chance and loving his bestfriend Haley James Scott like a sister shows his sensitive side apart from doing those romantic things for his Ex's.
Haley James Scott, a character who inspires me to be a musician every time. Her songs are great and out of my usual normal song I listen to. A dork and nerdy girl who balances being a mum, a wife, a student, a musician, a sister, a daughter, and person at one time is not an easy task but her tenacious character reminds me that I can do this much more easier than she did since I don't have that much responsibility as her and that character pushes me to be the best. The way she feels things and put them into words for her song inspires me to do the same for my own songs. A bestfriend anyone could ever have, a person you would look for in times of hardship, when things just turn their back on you, she's the friend who stayed there who will be standing there lending you a hug and a shoulder to lean on. Her innocent yet ridiculously crazy attitude will forever gives me laughter. How she wants to remain virgin till she gets married and actually got married during her teen years and getting pregnant in high school labels her as innocent and ridiculously crazy but in a good way. She's an amazing character and despite her kindda boring relationship people say of her and Nathan Scott I didn't realise how much I adore this character till the end.
Brooke Penolope Davis, the character I truly adore among all the other character on One Tree Hill, a character who grew turning into someone nobody could expect with the past she had. Her character became louder by the season and finally she deserved what she got in the end. Brooke Davis party girl, spoilt and bitchy turn student president, loving and caring, responsible and mature beyond the years. Can you see her growing up through the seasons? She thought me that broken family can reunite, doesn't mean you're hurt you can't give people chances, thought me that I can become someone better and that the past doesn't matter but the future you want to achieve is what's important. Your background and your history doesn't determine who you are neither does it make as an excuse for you to fail. Everytime you fall, you get back up only to fight it stronger that you were before you fell. She made a great decision, she learned from a lot of hard obstacles from broken families, to bankruptcy, to parents letting her down and fight against fate and just believe. That is Brooke Davis's character and that's the character I want to be, someone who made the best of things or just go for it even though it may be unreachable at times.
These characters are just some of them among the bunch but these selected ones are the ones who thought me a lot apart from Peyton Sawyer who inspired me at first and became my first favorite character on One Tree Hill. She thought me to believe in arts to express my thoughts, anger and feelings through arts and that's why she became my first favorite character. She was always that cool kid who painted her walls with her moods who wrote quotes of inspiration to get her through life on her wall. If I could look back, I did the same to my room except that I pasted papers so I could write on them. Peyton has some good taste in music, pretty much how I became obsess with the series.
One Tree Hill thought me so much about good music to listen to. Some say my taste in music is weird, took me off guard the first few times but I realise my differences in music makes me different and special in my own way. New musician with great music was introduced to me through One Tree Hill and believe it or not when those music came on the radio I was already listening to it months ago back when they criticize on my taste in music and now their asking me who's singing the song. Some of the ones with good music that was introduced to me through One Tree Hill were Jimmy Eat world, Lifehouse, Bethany Joy Galleoti, Gavin Degraw, Blind Pilot, Keane, Trent Dabbs, Tyler Hilton and so many more. Those music also got me here, to where I am right now writing this post and just by listening to the lyrics I am inspired.
One Tree Hill is more than just a normal series you see on networks not those series that doesn't seem to serve much purposes. It will take time till a series like this will come but I'm glad I was able to witness the starting of the show till the end of it's last season. It's sad to let go since I've learned from it so much but all good things must come to an end but I'm glad I have quotes from the series to put a smile on my face and music to listen to when I miss it. Nine years of being a loyal fan of One Tree Hill, the show finally comes to an end with just the right ending for me. Here are some quotes that have inspired me that I've learned from the series and I hope you can learn and be inspired by it too just like I did.
"As happens sometimes a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. And then the moment was gone. " -Lucas, One Tree Hill
"At this moment, there are 6 billion, 4 hundred, 71 million, 8 hundred, 18 thousand, 6 hundred, 71 people in the world. Some are running scared.. some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day.. others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good, and some are good.. struggling with evil. 6 billion people in the world, 6 billion souls -- and sometimes...all you need is 1." - One Tree Hill
“ I thought I knew you. But I guess it's easier to see what we want than to look for the truth. You think you know me but you don't. And that means you don't know what I can do. You see me as someone popular and has all the answers but that's not true. I may not always know what I'm doing but I'll try to make things better. And when I make a mistake, because face it, we all do, I promise I'll ask for your help. I can't do this alone, but if you'll take a chance on me, we can do great things together. I promise if you believe in me, I'll find the courage to reach for your every dream. John F. Kennedy said, "the courage of life is a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy. A man does what he must, in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures. And that is the basis of all morality". ”
-Brooke Davis
Did you ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many people have pictures of you, how many moments of other people's lives we've been in. Were we part of someone's life when their dream came true, or were we there when their dreams died? Did we keep trying to get in, as if we were somehow destined to be there? Or did the shot take us by surprise? Just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life, and not even know it... " - One Tree Hill
Here's a song introduced by One Tree Hill on the last episode of One Tree Hill
Destiny, The Memories The Past
As I sit here on this very same swing that she sat once upon a time ago, as I sat a long time ago I rekindle back the memories from the open box of memories that surrounds the house. I could still remember the sound of her dragging footsteps and her cane against the floor. However, those are the beautiful memories left of hers for me to remember clearly now.
As I entered into the hall I remembered the days I used to dance around when I was small turning round and round only to fall down altogether from being dizzy. Now, I can see my nieces and nephews chasing each other laughing and screaming playing with each other. How did it all turn to memories? How did everything reach to this, the future I used to wonder about.
The living room brought me into a deeper memory, where cousins who was unmarried in the past slept like sardine in a tin laid in front of the TV. Those were the days, morning of raya, and my grandmother would walk in to the dining room connected with the living room asking me to keep it low.
Those were the days where laughter, talking people and cries in the early morning filled this very same house, the same sound I hear today accept today she was not here to witness this.
However, today would be the last time this house will be filled with new family members, the sound of voices talking in the background. I am lost, for words to describe everything that surrounds me.
You could try to understand the things that I see.
I was looking through the pictures of each and everyone of my friends on facebook and began to realise that each and everyone of their profile picture told a story. Happy couples are always photographed side by side to show their happiness together, happy family are pictured together with smile on their faces to show that this is their everything, and there are some who does not share their own picture but tells a different story with their picture. it could be something they have been hoping, feeling, or wanting at that moment. Some show vain, some hid behind their smiles while others are just being themselves with weird looking faces.
How did we not realise, the things that we show to people without really meaning it. I may not make any sense but every photograph tells a story. Hence, explains the reasons why the memories in our head filled with images are significant to us. We go days looking at it that we didn't realise those little things that pass us by. I wish I could just see and listen to each one of their story. There must be a lot happening in each and everyone of their lives and each and everyone deals with it in their own special way. Did it ever occur to you that maybe there was somebody else wondering how your life is going lately? How do you possibly survive through it,
These are the questions that goes through my mind every now and than and often much in the car driving, or maybe while listening to a song. I'm weird like that but that is the thing that keeps me saint and on the ground. Believe or not you know and it is clear that every status on facebook shows the real you or a part of you. When someone stop updating anything, you didn't even realise he or she was missing until that person coincidentally comes to your mind and you began to wonder whatever happen to all those every minute status update and weird looking pictures on your newsfeed.
I think I have been babbling a lot without making any sense and excuse my unorganized writing but I've been so out of touch since my last post so I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
Slower To Fast
I hesitated my writings, putting pen to paper didn't felt right nowadays. I wanted to let my guard down when writing the words that tells a story of life and hope but I had nothing. So the sentence was left hanging, unfinished, and never be touched again. It feels like I was so afraid that someone might find it, read it and judge it. What happen to those feelings and inspiration to write things.
The Rain That Made My Heart Cry
My life hasn't been easier, it's been a long, scary and hard road but I'm running out of reasons to go on. Whenever I look at my mother, tears fill my eyes as I couldn't give her the things she wants. I couldn't bless her with her dreams of having a daughter who is amazing in any form, I couldn't lavish her with wealth and things, and I couldn't give her the one thing she misses, her mother. It gives me pain to know that she pick up her phone every now and then to dial my grandmother's number to find that her mother is no longer there to pick up. I couldn't imagine being in her place, whenever you're down, whenever you're sad, whenever you wanna share a happy or sad story, only to find the one you wanna share with is not there with you. I miss my grandmother no doubt, whenever I look in the mirror and pulled my hair behind my ears, those earrings she wore before she pass just reminds me of her. Of course, it's nothing compared to the things my mother has been facing. I cried inside, because I can't hold on, I'm slipping and I'm praying to god..
The Moment I Realise
After class,I felt tired yet sad, I walk the stairs of where I stayed in the campus. As I walk down the hall, I reach the door to my room and inserted the key to open the door. The sound of the door creak and as I switched on the light, there was no one but me in the room. The feeling of emptiness, loneliness, and sadness filled me. I was alone with no one to come back to, Is this how it felt like, being single and living with nobody? Friends meant nothing, as I've yet to find one who stayed and showed their loyalty and because of that I stop caring about them and treated them as acquaintance. Partners are worst, I stop hoping because I was hurt by one boy a boy who played me out and left me wondering if it was real if the relationship was meant to be. I pulled the plug on that relationship and swore a boy who wants to win my heart must be more than what I expect him to be.
I turned cold over the years, when one say I sympathize the other, I said it's a way of life, you gotta learn to live having everyone leaving you behind. I realize I no longer have the urge to help the ones who betrayed me, the one who lied and the ones who didn't care about me and in return I did the same. It's not who I am but it is who I've become. Tears no longer fall so easily, my heart turned to stone, I died along with the serenity, and probably because I couldn't cope.
