I can't sleep and it's 4.35 p.m now. There's this weird feeling in me. I'm not sure whether it's guilty, afraid or lost. Ill update ya'll tomorrow
Considerations and Wonders
Over the years, many has place this statement over me saying " You don't know what I go through. You never feel it. Maybe when you learn it when you go through it, you will know.". I find that very unfair of that person, because in my opinion I could say the same things to you too. I may be getting what I want but you have no idea what I go through first. It's always unfair for you to judge me without knowing what I have to go through. You may think I get what I want in your eyes, but the pain and mentally distraught that I have to go through isn't as easy as you think. There are days I feel like breaking down and just cry my heart out like a hysterical person. At the end of the day I would sit and resist myself from letting any tears flow. I learn to think and feel hate, sick, and not trusting people that easily. After I learned those little tricks on how to stand strong in front of the people you refuse to look like you're weak, there was a price I have to pay. I was no longer the girl who trusted people easily. I hated crowded places, I don't trust anybody even my family, and I would shut that horrible feelings I feel inside till one day the door can't be locked and everything just came pouring out.
However, when everything came out, I was always alone because I feel whatever I have to say ,talk or maybe write, it's always between me and me alone. When I'm happy, stress, angry or sad, my guitar has always been my bestfriend. There was tears that fell onto the guitar, and laughter that was shared with it. The guitar was my treasure. The one and only thing that doesn't blame me for everything. I feel safe, comforted by each string I pluck when I'm down. But that was one of the things that make me happy. There are days I enjoy sitting inside the water. Let myself drown for awhile. I find the world under the water is quiet and less stressful than the rush of the city or the laid back country side.
Sometimes I wonder and wish, that everything around me would change. I plead for happiness to god, pray he would just give us all some considerations. I remember talking to my brother and I began to realise that he is right. People would never accept or even considerate my thoughts or proposal. To them, they were right, they are the eldest and they were the ones who faced the most amoung us all because they are the eldest. Turns out, as I said this I realise they reminded me of somebody else in my life that I often resent to talk of or pretend to more often than I should. I was the puppet that nod when I needed too and shook my head when I need to.
It's a tiring life I live in, and somedays, I would love to just sleep and never wake up and let the world slip away as if it was not important if I wasn't present in it. Because at the end of the day, that was what I felt. I serve no purpose in this chaotic situation. One thing I often pray is, for no fights to break in this place I often stay.
True Self Is Told Through The Eyes..
I know I'm weird for saying these but I sort of have like this sixth sense when I'm around people. Most of the time I can't sense people who are bad or not good. Amazingly I'm attracted to people who are good. I'm not saying attracted like love attracted, there is this addoration and a part of me that wish I could be like that person and ended up striving to be that person. It takes awhile for me to get used to it. As some would say I'm being judgemental even though I don't know that person. Well perhaps that is me and maybe it's my weakness,
I'm sorry. Somehow, as I go through all the people I look up to, they have their flaws but they make me believe that they are normal. Nobody's perfect right ? I would take the good things about them and try to plant them in me. Example, Sophia Bush is a strong person, based on the story I have read about her past mariage with Chad. Selena Gomez is charitable and doesn't mind about what people say, like when people talk about her feud with Miley Cyrus. I actually learn to stay quiet when people gossip about me in school because of her. I figured if she can do it, why can't I?
So tell me something, have you ever look at a picture and instantly read that persons eyes like it's a language that you understand but you don't know how. I have, an I find it amazing. I learn to appreciate little stuff. I also have this sometime habit when I don't trust or dislike or have a crush on that person, my eyes would not focus to his/her eyes while we're in a conversation. It's bad I know, but I'm trying to work on that habit.
It's amazing right how the eyes could tell a story. Sometimes I wonder what people see through my eyes. Am I nice, good, or bad and naughty? It really is a mystery. Most of the time I would think myself as the person who is bad. Like I have not enough you see. Try looking through their eyes and tell me what do you really see and what it is trying to tell you? Try a candid picture, it's always easier to read.
What is Perfect ? Is It Worth Being One ?
I'll admit it, that I'm not much of a different with some other girls who aren't pround of their body. Upon reaching puberty years, I gained weight massively, leaving me to become a plus size kid that is often being teased. Being a plus size isn't as easy as you think. The feeling when you go to stores or walk past through a mirror is really depressing. There would be dozens of beautiful and pretty clothes and dresses but none of the size fit me. My dressings is constantly T-Shirts, Jeans and Sweaters. When I look in the mirror, I feel disgusted towards myself, because I felt ugly on the outside and inside. After being fat, I remembered it leaving a big impact on my life and my personality. My confidence shattered, my bubbly self was gone, I was insecure, and I don't take jokes easily. All the magazines that laid around in my house, didn't help much. They are always filled with women with slim, skinny and beautiful figure with no blemishes and flaws. I always thought they were perfect.
I spend my high school years being fat and I wasn't anyone's crush. Never had a boyfriend and I was to scared to make friends because I thought they hated me. You could ask my friends who have been there since I was 13 years old and they would say, my self-esteem is usually the reason why we all have fights. Aside from other problems I'm dealing with, the weight of my body and my looks didn't help me get through my sophomore year. I had acne and I was the one to call myself ugly.
During that time, my mother would let me buy magazines. Since clothing stores was not my main shop that I would go to everytime I went to the mall, book shops would be my escape and my sanctuary. After reading books and magazine, I began to realise that I have wasted 2 years in a row of enjoying my high school life because I was fat. On the day my cousin opened her book shoped, I spotted a magazine with Hilary Duff on the cover. During that time I was a fan of her, and so I pleaded to my mother to let me buy the magazine. It was quite expensive, but the magazine became my life saver and my manual book to get through high school. The magazine was called "Dolly". It thought me everything I need to learn about personal stuff, confidence, and many more. My mother was impressed by the impact the magazine had left me. Now, I would say proudly that I buy Dolly's issue every month. There are some months that I missed their issue because I couldn't go to the store to buy them. Apart from that, I have came across another magazine that is similar to Dolly wih great articles inside them. During that time, the cover of the magazine was Emma Watson. I was her biggest fan after making a promise with my cousin( who owned the bookshop ) to watch "Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince". She was on the cover of "Girlfriend". That was the first time I saw the magazine. When I bought it, I thought I was wasting my money and that it's gonna be my first and last issue for this magazine. It turned out the articles inside "Girlfriend" thought me a lot. I was a bit upset though that I didn't see the magazine earlier. I am 17 years old now, and in the future, I couldn't be holding a teenager's magazine all around. These magazine had thought me that nobody is perfect and that no one can be you because only you can be you an that makes you special. I had also loose weight, not for the wrong reasons. I loose weight because I wanted to be healthy and not end up in the hospital because my weight was the cause of it. I wanted to loose weight because I wanted to look nice in dresses and clothes.
However, I do admit, I'm not all the time that confident in myself. There are days I just feel a little bit off and began criticising myself in front of the mirror. Sometimes words of inspiration from the people I look up to helps me. Examples, like Selena Gomez, Emma Watson and Sophia Bush.
Recently I stumble across a video from seventeen, in campaigning about loving your weight.
Selena Gomez's Debut Album " Kiss and Tell" featuring her band "The Scene"
Besides playing the character of Alex Russo in the disney series Wizards of Waverly place, one of the cast in Barney's for season 8 and the ambassador of Unicef, Selena Marie Gomez has added a new talent to her resume. Recently Selena Gomez has signed a deal with Hollywood Records to record her debut album. She had also recruited some members to her own band called "The Scene". The idea of having the band called "The Scene" came from "her haters" which often said that she loves to make a scene. Selena however never thought it meant that they were criticising her ( if I was her, I think I myself wouldn't thought that they were criticising me until someone told me ).
I remembered reading somewhere that she said "If you can't beat them, join them" which was why she ended up calling her band "The Scene". At first Hollywood Records wasn't so keen on her having a band, but in the end they came to an agreement of still having a band and ended up with "Selena Gomez and The Scene" . The Scene band consist of Ethan, Joey, and Greg 
.After a long hard work , her album was finally released on September 29, 2009 ! Her album sold 66,000 copies the first week. Her first single "Falling Down", was released on August 21, 2009. While her music video was premiered after the world premiere of her TV-movie Wizard of Waverly Place : The Movie on August 28, 2009. Selena had also co-wrote the song " I won't applogize " which is the 2nd track on her " Kiss and Tell" album. Selena Gomez and The Scene - Falling Down
Yesterday, Selena Gomez released her 2nd single, titled "Naturally" which is on track 7 in her debut album "Kiss and Tell". Here is the video ( 3 hours after the video was released on Twitter I posted it on my blog, but unfortunetly it can only be viewed by only people who has twitter accounts). Today, SelenaGomezVevo has graciously upload the video on youtube for many of her fans to see. So I removed the early one I had posted and replace it with a new one so enjoy !)
Selena Gomez and The Scene - Naturally
Selena has many other projects that she is planning on. Aside from being an actress, now a singer, there are also a buzz saying that she is planning on having a clothing line. However, I haven't done much of a research on her clothing line plans. All that I am assure of that, her clothing line is called "Dream Out Loud". Despite her style, I think I might like her clothing line. As it is, Selena has been much of a style icon to me. Selena will also be playing Beezus in the movie "Ramona and Beezus" that is set to premiere on October 14th, 2010. The movie is based on a book that is written by Beverly Clearly. Anyway, I hope and wish her the best in her upcoming projects. Here's the promo for her album .Dream Out Loud by Selena Gomez
Selena Gomez is having her own clothing line ! Recently she spoke of her new work in progress that she is having her own clothing line. She told sources that ;
"With my line, I really want to give the customer options on how they can put their own looks together,” she said. “I want the pieces that can be easy to dress up or down, and the fabrics being eco-friendly and organic are superimportant. Also, the tags will all have some of my inspirational quotes on them. I’m just looking to send a good message.”
In my opinion, I love her style. It's chicky, edgy and also cute. She is one of my style icon aside from Emma Watson and Sophia Bush. The one thing I love the most is that the clothes are youthful and eco-friendly. Plus, I love the creative idea of placing inspirational quotes on the tags of the clothes. In a way she is actually giving young generations inspiration. These are some of her clothes that I manage to get.
Selena had also did a photoshoot this year for Seventeen magazine cover. She talked about her style and what she likes and dont's. This are some of the videos I manage to grab. Hope you enjoy them !
p/s: Selena has also started her own production company called July Moon Productions.I wish her much luck in her career !
Twilight Saga : Music Videos
From the firt sequel of the Twilight Saga, Paramore had made an amazing video with the song Decode she wrote for the film. Here it is,
Paramore - Decode
The 2nd sequel to the Twilight Saga was New Moon which premiered on November 21st 2009. For the 2nd sequel, they had made three music videos from the movie. All three songs are part of the New Moon Soundtrack which can be found in stores worlwide. Their first single was "Meet me on the Equinox" by Death Cab for Cutie, second music video was "Satelite Heart " by Anya Marina and their latest released single from New Moon soundtrack is "Solar Midnite" by Lupe Fiasco. Here are the videos and I hope you enjoy them .
Death Cab For Cutie - Meet Me On The Equinox
Anya Maria - Satelite Heart
Lupe Fiasco - Solar Midnite
Cool Widget ! You can also see Edward Cullen's Birthdate !
There will be another one that will remain on my blog. But it will be at the bottom of the blog because I can't find the right place to place it : )
Distance..
In this moment, I expected something big to happen. I don't mean a big thing to happen , I mean something more meaningful, something that can tell me something and prove to me that life is worth living for. As days past by, I began to feel the distance on the reason I find life is worth living for. When I sit near the people close to me, I feel the barrier and the wall that is formed emotionally. I don't know where I stand in their hearts and minds. Everytime I look, there's always this feeling that is telling me that they are sick of me or they find me intimidating. If that's the case, I would rather stay away from family affairs and the problems that circulate secretly amoung them. I began to feel the secrets I hold is a burden and the misunderstandings just complicates my life more. It's better to live alone, because the problems that surround you can be solve only by you alone. I can't talk of my problems with people, I can't have fun with people and I can't seem to be myself with people.
When she tells me that "we all use our own money to pay", I understood the meaning behind it. You don't need to tell me because I know myself. You could have leave that little insignificant detail out.I'm not working, I don't have a career, and the path I'm choosing in a career is something that rarely happens and it's crazy. I know you try to isolate me, but everytime I tell it to some close people they seem to think that I was too sensitive or "well she's gotta point. maybe so.". I guees that's why I feel much more at ease around my friends, friends that is worth being around sometimes. Though the group is so small and limited, there are times I feel like I don't belong. I walk amoung strangers, some would say "hey you !" and I would look at that person, I would greet her but theres a part of me that makes me feel like I'm not here. I don't know who I am and where I belong.
It's been going on for a long time and I myself have reach the edge of the point and the line that divides between sanity and insanity, good and bad, loyalty and betrayal.If there was a wish that god would grant me, I would ask "What am I doing here ?".
All Over The Place...
There was a time, a few minutes ago I felt freedom, no leach, no string attach, and no pressure from my surroundings. But it lasted only for a moment, a minute only. I felt like a bird. Though during that moment I was concious of my situation I felt like I was there finally there. No more shield, no more boundaries. However it was too good to be true. Truth be told I should've known better. Nothing last forever, and god never let you go that easily to enjoy your days on earth. I sighed as I sat here and write my first post after months of absence from the world that I've avoid for awhile willing and unwillingly. Anger filled my heart plus lonely. Wondering where did I went wrong, why am I being shield. If forever I will be shield by people I will never learn the real world. I feel hopeless.
I feel like when I'm outside, I don't know how to cross the streets. Unaware of my surroundings. Spacing out and afraid of love. Lost my trust towards the people. Even the ones I have trusted before. I don't know everybody. I'm tired of telling people, "ouh I never did that" or " my family is protective of me" or "I'm sorry I can't". It sucks you know? It's like this home is turning into a dungeon while I wait for my prince to take me. Unfortunetly I don't believe in prince charming.. I don't believe in fairytale life. I don't believe in any of it. It's stupid and pretty much reckless for me to believe in. Day by day I turn more rebelious towards the world. I hate it with all my heart. The world I live in, the world I'm standing on, the world that isolates me !
I can't stand here day by day waiting what takes me? Where I'm going? Who will help me? The reason this question lingers around is because you never let me. Never let me make my own choice. I'm afraid to tell you my dream because I'm afraid you'll protest. You'll say I'm crazy and you won't approve. At the end of the day you would say to me if I ever fall accidently that "I told you so". You don't know me. Nobody knows the secrets I hide from others . I die bit by bit each day. I work everyday, writing lyrics, hoping whatever I wrote and felt would help others in the future. This is because music helped me through my problem. I find answers in music and lyrics. You might think I'm crazy and it's just a thing that exist to help people move their body but to me music move my heart and my feet to the right position. One of the reasons I'm still standing and taking the right road.
You weren't there. Through the tears that fall in the shower, mourning over my life in the morning. Gazing out the window as twilight approaches because that is how I feel inside. The day has ended yet there is still light. However I still wonder when will dawn come again or if I will ever see a dawn again? I can't be there like a pole standing . I'm not a bird of message or a messenger. I have my own life. If for a second this world and memory could wipe away from my thoughts I have a clearer picture of me. I grew up when I was 13. I learn tp be 20 when I was 14. Tell me, do you see my pain, my insanity, the confidence I lost, the trust that I had in people shattered accross the floor. Do you see that ? You don't know me. You think you know me but you don't. I can't go telling you this is what I like and this is not what I like? You lost me four years ago and you thought you can just appear and tell me to do this and that. No forgiveness. Do you realise you never utter the word " I'm sorry " for what I've done. Do you see that? It has always been me, me that , me this. How about the days I shut myself from the world ? The day I cry over and over again non stop? Or maybe the day I look in the mirror and tears began to fall for no reason. That person in me is fighting to mourn, cry and break out. Yet my sanity told me that I'll never come back if I take that step. I console myself ! You were gone through everything. For that many songs have been written for you. Thank you for the inspiration but I hope you don't expect happy songs about you. I'm sorry. I'm tired of saying "thank you" , "I'm sorry", "It's my mistake", "okay", "yes please" and " I will do it". There will come a day when I might turn my back on you and everybody and walk off. On that day, don't be suprise . You took my sanity away and exchange it with depress and selfless. You never trusted me. You never believed in me. I'm tired. Exhausted ! Mentally and emotionally.
Sleepless night
tonight my thoughts fly off to world where nobody sees me. I worry over my life too much really, well a girl like me who doesn't ? People say live in the present, i say preparw for the future. I'm afraid of big responsibility, what if i don't have a career? What if i was stupid i didn't past my exam? What if i become a homeless ? What if my family turn their back on me? What if i don't get into university? What if everything goes wrong? I'm a scared and truth be told i cry just to think of the burden of responsibility i'm going to face.
The Darkness of The Day.
It's 1.39 in the morning... nothings awake around in this time. After all the years.. pretending had been part of my life that I have forgotten I was even pretending. One point it became part of your blood part of you life. These smile... they are fake... these laugh they just never stay and those years i used to look up to you.. was all a mistake.
Now look me in the eyes.. tell me straight you hate me and throw me... tell me as you look deep in my eye and tell me what you see. All those years. hah ! The secrets has finally come out and the lies are floating on the wide ocean . Hah ! you could have never read me well.. you of all people. Even those people who consider themselves close to me couldn't read what lies behind these eyes.. what more you ? You know those memories they play in my head every single year. My eyes watch it over and over again as the hours past by. These tears they'll never see... never taste it... never felt it... the bitter.. salty.. that suits the memories so well.. I HATE YOU !
You're heart feels like it was crush.. hit by people so many times. At times you feel like you're suffocating you can't barely breath in these ocean of lies you've built for me over the years that i didn't see. I grew up believing.. living in this life that was a charade all the while. hah ! I guess we were pretending all these while were we ? It was not just a few years it was all those years. Hah ! I wish I could curse you now.. my heart is but it's dead already. For you obviously. I couldn't reach for that door that open up to you. I guess I locked them and throw the key away. Anger fills it ... hatred... no love.. YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE. I'M BEGINNING TO THINK IT'S S***. I HATE YOU! every single time my heart aches... and it has become worst.. as the years and hours pass by. The conversation the voices that haunts me in the night. Everybody... those memories.. the voices from the conversation.
In the end this is what the girl you thought was going up to be sweet and innocent has turn into a rebellious ,angry ,strong , and hard headed girl. You got a problem with that. I dress in black when I'm piss off and when i think that,s my mood. Either piss off, dark aura or maybe just wanna be bad. Why my eyes are always dark eyes shadows because I want you to see that I'm not the mess kindda girl... and there's darkness within me. but the rest of my face are totally light coloured to show that I can be lenient and young.. if you treat me right. Nobody knows that for one person. If she remembers .
Now it's 2.04A.M my head is still running. Tell me something.. is there something i DON'T KNOW ! That somebody hasn't told me the truth about you ? I bet there's more. The clouds are getting darker... the lies are floating on the ocean... the wind is blowing hard .. better start telling if you don't want them to end. Shuush.... let the silence feel you.. maybe than you know... listen.... listen...
Shuuush.... listen I hear a voice...but it was not your voice... it was a song with music. Every single note reflects my feeling and every word is the answer for me. The answer I needed for the question. Where were you ? Where? Everytime I write.. music is a huge part of it.. because I can never thank them enough for helping me. Do you listen to the words..hmph you only know how to talk and talk you even when you're old. Do you listen to yourself talk and talk , You're cruel... so cruel don't you see. Don't you see the pain you cost. The pain that wouldn't exist you know why? But we're here already right? why bother? I never tell you these.. but I want to become a musician. Get to know me better through there, It ain't because of the glamour. Is the message I want to send to people like me to be strong. Share my experience. You think creative brings no luck to your truck? Well it gives answers to people who need it live their lives. Academics ? I'm not that kindda girl. I feel in love with singing since small... with music since ten and determine to make it a dream when I was 14. Thanks to you though..( Smirk face) I wish you could see my reaction as I write these words... as my fingers dance on the keyboard.
Even if I see you... I would say thanks for the memories the game of charade.
"I remembered the days,
I just wished you stay,
now there nothing to say,
you left you choosed you're on way,
Memories they fade,
but we get afraid,
when everything change,
because it feels strange,
I'm running away from this place,
I'm changing the state of life,
I want to be in a high place,
I'm moving on from this mess you've left,
Thoughts of you they need to vanish,
moving on is the best thing I have,
if i stay they will perish,
pieces of love that has already drifted away,
Stay away, stay away,
You're all behind me,
far away, far away,
never come back to me,
What's said is done,
what left is gone,
in the end i'm back alone,
so don't bother to come back home,
like i said i used to wish,
you would come back and never say goodbye,
take me away,
I wish softly in this state,
there's nothing to say or save,
everything is gone anyway."
© S.S , 2009
Birthday Wishes and Birthday Gifts , What Lies Behind This ,
Birthday is always filled with happy and fun stuff, yet it is not always as glorious as we always thought it would be, It's also the time we judge a person's kindness and true relationships. Some wishes you because it's the obvious thing to do, some wishes you because they want to, and some wishes you because they love you and many more other reasons. You think five years of celebrating birthday during my teenage years was fun ? YOu have no idea what I've been through. I have had the worst, the downs, the falls and many more things that causes me to cry and sob on my birthday. But one thing I never fail to realise, one thing at the end of the day, that I think god wants me to remember always and forever. It's family . The people that are times unbearable, sickening , annoying , disturbing , depressing and the people who brings joy, happiness , love , the best in you all the time.
I want so much to be excepted, to be the person that was appreciated on my birthday by my close friends but at the end of the day, it's not them that I'm suppose to feel excepted but it's from my family that was always there for me. I survive on my birthday is because of them.. for that I love you so much ! My family !.
I hoped to much today that I fell to hard on the ground when my expection was just empty hope that left me feeling foolish and stupid. There were wishes from my classmates, singing me a birthday song from my fellow librarians but the people I expect most to wish me at least, did nothing. Absolutely nothing. For that my heart crush to pieces.. All the times I tried so hard to make the best of your day and you crash mine like crushing an ant. For that I realise so many things today, things that I think should be taken to the future.
Remember all the things we've been through, remember the times we shared, it's nothing but the passing time, so you left me on the day that was suppose to be wonderful, you left me hoping for something that will never come true. Now I'm moving on, I'm going to be strong, I'm going to lead , take another road instead. I got an advice from somewhere that on my birthday you will learn to grow up, you will realise that life is not a full blossom world as you grow up. I'm seventeen and I'm mature I think, I 've been through so many things that brought me here today. I learn something that is something I take for granted, that is family is the people who always stand by your side and when they leave you, thats the time you life crushes so hard that you might never get up again.
Friends, Izzah, Afiqah and Emma . You three are never perfect. But perfection is not what I seek in friendship. Everybody has their on weakness, that's human, but you tried to be there for me and I love you so much. Realise the times I needed you to be there, the times I want to feel appreciated, the times that I did something just to make you happy ( I think ) lol.
Izzah, we may fight, quarrels, but we're like sisters and we don't always go with the flow. Sometimes things like that is what makes us bestfriend. Weird kind of bestfriends considering our differences at times. But AMAZINGLY we manage to put ourselves on the same level, same pace, push back our egos. Our history of friendship is something I'll never forget. Sometimes you make mistakes that I can't even tolerate but you're growing up, but if I can do anything to protect you from the mistakes I would but I know I must realise that I can't stop you from making the mistakes , I can only protect you. But I love you so much ! Sister ! Phoebe !
Emma, we have lots of differents, we had a lot of fights, but it amazing how we can be so close now. You of all the person are the least person I thought would be there for me. You seem to see through me and you don't judge me for what I have but for who I am. YOu make me feel free, you don't care if I scream, I shout, I go mad, I'm happy and when I'm hysterically mad. At the end of the day we always laugh at our stupidity. Having you to take the trouble to wish me on my birthday while you're away in boarding school means so much that not many people understand. This is when I say actions speak louder than words because you're action shows that you're a true friend. I am greatful to have a friend like you.
Afiqah, the silent girl , hides her true feelings, feels awkward to let it out, but when she does, she suprises people . Sharing my secrets with you always feel safe because you don't share them with anyone else but yourself. You're scared but at times you just want to burst out laughing like mad people when you're happy. You never approach people when they are sad, instead you sit there just to lend your shoulder. You appreciate people in the silent, you stand there just to watch the people. For the two years Emma has been away, you took her place in feeling the void. You may not be her, but you tried. For that I thank you a lot.
I know I have talked about my family and what does birthday wishes and birthday gift and what lies behind this. There's something special I think I should mention. Her name is Nur Aslina, my one special cousin that has always try to be there. She may not be perfect, but her imperfections are the things that make her perfect. She may shower with gifts or take me out, but her presence at the times I need her so much means so much to me. I love you so much. I except you for who you are. Regardless on how you look, how silly you can be, how gangster you can turn to sometime, and how heroic you can be sometimes. I wrote this specially because you never let me down. There are times you let me down, but human beings are not perfect and I don't always confide to you, but most of the time you were there to cheer me up, and put a smile on my face. I love you so much Kak Nur !
My family, Jamaiyah ( Mother), Norashikin ( Sister ), Syahrir ( Brother ). Sometimes I cry is not because I'm sad. Sometimes it's recognition, sometimes it's the ephiphany and sometimes maybe I'm just sad that i'll get over it by crying. Did you know my teacher told me that women dies late because they cry their heart out to feel relief. Anyway I love you so much even though I fight with you, I get sick of you, I say I hate you, but you are always my number one priority (insyaallah ) . God I don't know how to explain how much I love you. Thank you for choosing me to be your family.
Thanks for an amazing family members, my cousins, close friends. Thank you all of you for the wishes.
So what lies behind all of this. It's recognition of a new life, a new me, a moving on me, a me that is going to try to move forward and help others that are in need of my help. I'm going to achieve my dreams, I'm going to face my fears and take my chances even when there's risk. The more birthday wishes the more I realise I'm lucky at time, the more birthday gifts, the more I realise how I've changed over the years, what lies behind this, is something more than we can sometime understand.
(Sorry for my terabur isi hahaha... I write what comes into head and according to the music I'm listening to hahaha... but I hope you get the message. I think I might have some grammar mistakes but I don't bother recheck my work here. lol. So kak nur. no commenting on my grammar mistake hehehe..Thank you for the wishes ya'll )
Brucas Belongs Together...
1. In season 1 Lucas was the first guy she ever really fell in love with.
2. She never give a rats ass of what guys think of her till him.
3. She tried to believe in being in a relationship for love and not lust
4. It was the first time her heart was ever shattered by a guy.
5. In season 2 Lucas realise he loves Brooke.
6. Even though he hide it but his action shows it.
7. Lucas saw the real Brooke.
8. He didn't want Brooke to leave town because he was afraid he might loose her.
9. Nathan said to Lucas " there's a girl you're in love with,I can see it in your eyes, until you tell that girl how you feel, you'r heart is not okay."
10. He was there when Brooke was sad because she had to moved.
11. He was there even after their tragic break-up(Lucas cheat)he sat beside Brooke and tell her that she's not and idiot.
12. He cheered her up and stood by her after the prom.
13. He suprised Brooke by inviting Brooke to live at his house till summer break.
14. He took the trouble of calling Brooke's mum and moved her things to his house.
15. At the end of season 2 Lucas kissed Brooke.
16. He said if he ever gets a second chance he would never let her go.
17. Brooke actually didn't push him away when they kiss.
18. Brooke love him but she was scared to get hurt again.
18. He gave Lucas a chance with a non exclusive relationship.
19. Brooke wrote him 82 letters during her summer being away from Lucas.
20. Lucas's new year resolution was to try again with Brooke Davis.
21. He told Brooke I'm the guy for you.
22. He tries to prove to Brooke that she's the girl for him.
23. He manage to get a shot into the basketball blindfolded and said if Brooke's the one he will make the shot.
(I will continue there's more. All brucas's memories are all bundled up inside my head that i'm trying to grab everything at once. )
Brucas - Everything
Reasons why I love you.You saw something in me that others don't see. You saw the best in me that hidden deep within, you saw beyond my partying and my bitchy attitude, you saw me. Somehow being with you doesn't feel used, judged and I can be somebody I want to be which makes me scared because I have never felt that with any other guy before. You might have cheat behind my back with my own bestfriend but I forgive you because maybe it was a mistake. It took me so long to accept that you might like me and I stood alone in denial wondering whether you really liked me when you took care of me. When I was about to leave, you surprised me by inviting me to live with you, when I was down you sat next to me telling that I'm so much better than that,when I was caught in a situation that I might not get to be free, you promised me that you will be there for me whatever I choose, you make me smile a true smile that bring happiness to my life, the way you look deep into my eyes, as if you saw the true me, and the sweetest thing you do. You brought me to the basketball to share parts of your life with me, you're not afraid to introduce me to your friends. You gave me hope and confidence that I can make it through. You're like a muse that brings inspiration to my life and be somebody better, You gave me words that describe me. When you told me that you would never leave me if you get a second chance, my heart fell open for you, when we kissed it was true. I was surprise but I was unsure knowing our history. When the cab was parked right outside, the urge to stay was there but I needed time assure myself that it was a mistake. When I was away I couldn't help but missing you, writing letters to you. No matter how many man I have hook up there, you were the one I wanted. I came back home full of hope but I needed you to show and prove to me why you love me. You're actions are true and your words supported them. You were always there even when I'm playing around, you dare to speak that I'm yours and you're willing to prove it. When I was down you brought the smile and make me shine, When I was stress you took me away into your world that you love and show me that life is more than to stress. We would take a walk down the neighborhood like we did before I had to leave and you surprised me by taking me in to live with you. You proved that you loved me telling things that you love about me and these are somethings I never thought you have seen in me. When we kissed in the rain my heart beat so fast that I thought this was the best thing that has happen to me. It could take years for me to list down things that make me love you. But you should know one thing, most of things I love about you is that you never left my side during the times I needed you the most. I love you Lucas Scott and will forever always will.. I just hope you see that in me than in her. But I guess fate decides that you didn't and now I see you waiting at the altar watching the woman walking down the isle and I wash that it was me that was at her place.
-Brooke Davis- (One Tree Hill)
Into my thoughts, you will see my world
I miss nothing in the past, at least not now, I wonder what the future holds, but they say live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering. Sick of thinking about life. Everyday, there's people dying, war here, murderers, thief, and most of the time it's about the world that is not civilized. Right now I'm holding on to something that I'm loosing grip. I'm slipping into the deep, that's scary and tricky, I search in the darkness, I search for the light, everytime there's a dead end but I'm sure there's the end, just not the end of end. I write my thoughts day after day, I write my feeling and turn it to lyrics.
I'm in a strangers room, still in search for an inspiration, but the dull room invades my thoughts, with hateful, pity, lost, and scared. There's songs in my head, but nothing can describe the situation in my thoughts. Should I write a short story or should I continue on babling about nothing, what's the answer to my question, what's the thought that I'm thinking.
Tonight ! The night I will not say good night..
In the darkness of night, I fear of a shadow that is hidden, in between bushes with only the light from the moon, my vision are not as clear as a cat's eyes, paranoid and cautious of my surrounding, afraid to even fall asleep, adrenaline rush through me as I remember the time I was scared over the thing that happen a few hours ago, waiting for the sun, the clock is ticking too slow, is only 2 in the morning and there's hours to go, So I stare at the screen in front o me, listening to songs that calms me down, and keeping on watch at the tv screen, and searching for inspiration that can last me for a few hours. I call for a muse to visit me, but I guess she's asleep in her bed, I call for an angel to protect me, but I guess fate control everything.
There's Something About You
Time over time,
My thoughts fell into places,
crawling into time,
places that I misess,
being around you makes happy,
makes me smile,
makes me crappy,
makes me feel alive,
even so I never fear,
of being judged by you,
Even sometimes when there's tears,
I always look forward to seeing you,
our places are different,
I'm oil and you're vinegar,
you're the salt and I'm the pepper,
but when bread and butter,
combines to become something so much better,
I might fall for you,
But i guess things would be better,
If we both choose to follow our career,
I'm a total clutz I'll admit it,
I chase my career and not my life,
Can you keep on facing it,
To run with me no matter where it leads your life,
I know you are sweet,
and I love you for coming into my life
© 2009,S.S (30/ May/ 2009)12p.m
Describing a person's feeling... that i felt...
Have you heard that love is for eternity, love doesn't requires age difference, love can never fades, love is a promise made, love never dissapears, love is sacrificing, love is blinding, love is foolish, love is never ending.... so goes on many words that can describe love.. but how does love works.. is it promise made that will be broken, is it eternity even though death separates you, is it the age difference just brings you apart, is it the time that let it fades, is it the stupidity of minds and hearts, is it the love that never meets end. Running, from the thought. That it was possible love might bring benefit but most of the time it bring pains. In the end it's too late.. I watch love passing me, mother and daughter share a hug, boyfriend and girlfried kissing accross the street, bestfriends laughing with a smile that will never be forgotten.. In the end loneliness is what she face.. Love is sacrifice, sacrifice for the person you love, your mother, boyfriend, or maybe your bestfriend. She sacrifice for her bestfriend, she stood by the promise made, that love never fades, it may be eternity but it is what she choose as she watch her bestfriend walk down the isle with the man of her dreams maybe for eternity. Promise broken by the guy who did not see the expression on her face, the feeling she hides, to protect love...the love for her bestfried, the love for the man she loves, the love that she thought he may not have for her but only for her bestfriend as he kept running back to her. Bestfriend and boyfriend cheated behind her back, forgiveness was given but mistakes was repeated when bestfriend admit the love has never fade.. when the guy told the kiss it was the last she would accept getting hurt repeatedly. At the end of the day she wished she was the one walking down the isle.. she wished she didn't love love to much to protect love. There were signs that they were for eternity, but there were also signs that it will be gone..
There is more.. but maybe next time. This for my favorite character brooke davis.. from One Tree Hill. I have stopped watching one tree hill after season 6.
Ashley Tisdale - It's Alright, It's Okay !
She's my idol. If my dreams were to come true I would love to meet her and be her friend. Here's the video . Yeah !
IT'S ALRIGHT, IT'S OK official music video
There's nothing wrong ?
Is it wrong, is it right, is it something, I refuse to write, in my history of life, in my heart and mind, Maybe I'm scared, maybe I'm just not ready, maybe I like the fact, maybe I just want to know whether you're feeling is true or not, It's been three days and I felt bad for hurting you. You might think I don't see it but it was true in your eyes. That moment I realise that you were afraid to admit something you're not sure, I didn't realise I had hurt you, I didn't realise that I was the one that causes the insecurities in you. Whenever I see you, I realise I was happy, there's smile on my face, and happiness in my life. We might be different in some terms but over the days I realise I had accept the fact. If you believe in us, all you need to do is admit, but what you should know is, I felt bad for hurting you, and for hurting you, I hurt myself, and from there I learn to accept the fact. Please give me a chance to explain myself and and a chance to give you a chance.
-age may differ-
SMILE..
Today I pray,
for the day I will see you,
Let today be better than yesterday,
But I didn't think it would be you,
That brought the smile for me to play,
Now that I knew,
I'm glad I didn't have to pay,
for that priceless smile that was from you,
because you are the one I was missing everyday,
Don't you realise you're the reason,
I've been spending my days alone,
Waiting for the sun,
The day you realise I'm alone,
The time you smiled,
My heart jumped for the first time,
Now I know how it feels like,
when they say,
It feels like your heart is jumping,
Because I've felt it for the first time today,
and it's all because of your smile,
When our eyes were locked together,
those smile will be remember,
Your smile, those smile I've been waiting,
The smile I never knew I would get,
Until today you gave it to me,
They say it's just a smile,
But to me it was more than that,
Even I know I have to share,
Your smile is something I never forget,
Because I'm a stranger,
The girl you didn't notice,
when you smile to me for the first time,
My heart jumped for the first time,
Don't you realise you're the reason,
I've been spending my days alone,
Waiting for the sun,
The day you realise I'm alone,
The time you smiled,
My heart jumped for the first time,
Now I know how it feels like,
when they say,
It feels like your heart is jumping,
Because I've felt it for the first time today,
and it's all because of your smile,
Your smile, those smile I've been waiting,
The smile I never knew I would get,
Until today you gave it to me,
I will alway remember this day,
because you're the reason ,
I'm smiling today,
and I will never forget,
the smile you gave away,
that made my day,
Don't you realise you're the reason,
I've been spending my days alone,
Waiting for the sun,
The day you realise I'm alone,
The time you smiled,
My heart jumped for the first time,
Now I know how it feels like,
when they say,
It feels like your heart is jumping,
Because I've felt it for the first time today,
and it's all because of your smile,
those smile will be remember,
written by S.S
© 2009, S.S (27/03/2009) 11.59P.M
What Do You Live For ?
One question we strive to answer, one time we overlooked the reason, one year that is never enough to know, the thing you live for. Why do you look forward to the future, why you want to know what happens to you, yet, you're afraid of what's coming. For me, I find the answer few years ago but never thought I would use that as the reason why I live over the years. I live to chase my dreams, I live to find myself, I live to change the world, I live to make sure I don't make the same mistake as others did. If I had a wish, it is possible that I wouldn't wish to look into my future, instead I wish of my dreams to come true. At least once, once in my life, I would like to feel how to be the person I wish to be, to help others with my voice. If you had one wish, what would you wish for? Have you ever wonder what that wish is. I wish to be surrounded by friends who appreciate me, who care for me, who shows they love me for who I am. Being surrounded by friends is the best thing, being together with your family is the best and priceless things you should alway appreciate. Do not overlook your friends.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
All The More Reasons
I stray away during time your wonder why I ran away. Couldn't see couldn't understand to hurt and to weak to stand. Speechless without words that was tangle into sentence that couldn't be understand. I was there for where you need me, you were there for when you needed me. I was hurt, sad, in the dark, and in the lonely silence, while you were in the light, with friends, and the person who spoils you the most. Days turn to months, I couldn't accept for the one to be gone to have fun when we have only hours to laugh, cry and share the things we kept. Love is a horrible word, when you see it in the deeper way, I cry, I am happy, I am sad, I am insecure, I am lonely, I am in denial, all because of love. Blind, stupid, alone and miserable the best you could give a girl with a lonely soul. Tear me, tear my heart, tear me, cause I'm sorry you don't know me. All the more reasons I stray away, My feelings, my love, my tenderness and my care for you. Trust shattered across the floor when you lied, straight to the eye, of an innocent minded, and insignificant person, a person that trust you the most. Carrying the anger, the sadness the thick pressure of the burden on me is being release. Let you see if you see. Let you feel, how you feel, let you know the word alone. Let us cherish every moment we have with ourselves. In any way I there for you myself, For always and forever... Goodbye... good luck... take my heart and tear it, tell me I was wrong to trust you, tell me you want me there, cause lately I don't thing you want me , to be there for me, to care for me....all you do is care for yourself...
*Somethings happen for over a month that I have been trying to buried inside of me. This may sound like a weird thing. But what I wrote is what i've been trying to hide, what I see can no longer be diminish unless you prove to me wrong if you know you are...because even the past we create can never fade away forever...
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
"Am I suppose to be happy, if all I ever wanted, It comes with a price"
Wanting something so badly could kill you, could hurt you or could harm you in so many ways.I have a very bad day, but not that bad except that I just feel I had enough of all the talk all the subjects that I tried to avoid. I am in denial, I trust someone to be there for me but I realise at that time I was alone, more alone that I ever thought I would be. I am panicking and terrified for the day to come, the day I grow up and I have to live on my own with nobody to lean on or cry on.. I haven't felt this way for so long. I have one year to go and not a day that comes just make me want to scream my heart out my feelings out. Imagine yourself in a room all dark with nothing inside and all you hear is the rain outside as it hits the leaf and fall to the ground. So many words left linger in your head and you hug yourself tightly so you won't get hurt by anybody or anything but even when you do that, it doesn't mean you won't get hurt one way or the other. So many feelings so many things and so many reasons that makes me feel like I want to curl on my bed and cry myself out. Everyday I imagine myself on stage and singing the song I love and brings a whole new reason for me to live through all the obstacles. Do you hear sound the piano makes even there are other instruments played. As the drum beat and the electric guitar strumming in the background. The piano is a fragile thing and the beat of the drum is how your heart feel and sound of the guitar shows how you try to be strong in facing all of it. When the lyrics are sang it brings a whole new image a new meaning, making people understand the song deeper than it already is as all the instruments were played. This is how passionate in music I am not entirely in classical but also contemporary. Bottom line that is why I choose music as the career I would love to be in. I want to wake up every morning knowing that the music I love will forever be remembered and the lyrics I write will help the people who suffer as I do and look at the world the way I do. Have you ever seen an old man walking or riding a bicycle with a small plastic bag with biscuits in his hand hoping to get home before twilight comes. Do you ever wonder where is his children and what is he doing in the middle of the highway. Maybe he comes home to his family where they wait for him to reach safely maybe he doesn't have anything to come home to and the biscuit will be his dinner for the night. How would you feel. When you see twilight the combination of the orange coloured sky with star shining higher in the sky with blue backgrounds. Your heart must be saying how beautiful it is but how sad it is to even look at the environment as the sun goes to sleep and awaits for another day to begin. The beauty we find is because the beautiful things we have comes across through out the day and and new things you learned and the sadness you feel is because of the beautiful day that is about to end you know that a day like that will come once in a lifetime and it will never repeat again. Do you see this little things in life this fragile but strong meaning in life that actually helps you through the day and you don't even realise it. It's simple that when you have come across it many time before you overlooked it.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Mixed Things, Mixed Memories, Flashback?
Hello everybody, I know I haven't update my blog since last month. So many news, so little time to just sit down and tell you what I have been up to. One Thing I know I can't wait to share with all of you is that I have finally watch TWILIGHT ! I even kept the ticket since my cousin manage to get the ticket on the day it was premier in my country. I went to gold class and god it was like so comfortable and I can't imagine watching a movie and feeling that comfortable anywhere. The movie didn't actually fit the description in the book but that's too much to expect since if we follow the book , the movie will take 5 hours. But it was okay and acceptable I say. So that is all I could say since I don't actually have the mood to write something. I don't have the right song for the right moor right now so my blog it's not exactly good. But anyway hmmm I can't remember what to write. Anyway.. Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas ! Enjoy everybody..
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I miss You
A year ago you were there, I was living it through the days, Till I find it so unfair, That you left me before you say, What you really wanted, The day I get to see you again, I was happy and nervous all turn to pain, Miss you like a dead person that is gone forever, miss you but you are no longer there, what happen to the hours of IMing, surprise texts and advice from you. I miss you... Please say you miss me to and please specify me...
I Might Write My Story , But Destiny Write Itself too for me..
There is a say that you learn from your mistake.. Well I sure hell did and didn't want to repeat my junior history. Now that I'm senior and his gone I feel so much better. Not that I ever did know whether he found out who I am or not. Well one sure hell thing is that I ended falling for my senior with no reasons, another senior ( his friend ). I don't know whether I do fall for him or not considering that I didn't have any like you know the "SPARK" like they say when you fall for someone. There was something missing in a way but I think I did fall for him. Well so a few days ago I was damn bored so I decided to just type his name on facebook and searched for him. Well HELLO ! he was on facebook.. damn it... I was praying like hell that if I never found him it would make it easier.. you know maybe like faith set that you're not suppose to find out more about him or at least something like that. After asking for suggestion from multiple kind of people... three people say I should add him as friend 1 say I shouldn't well you guess who.. My Mum ! Possible her vote count, possible her vote doesn't count. So in the end it was still my decision.. therefore I checked his friends.. hell no... the junior history just flashes in my mind like hell... so well I forget whatever decision I have to make. If destiny was set for us to be friends there would be many possible ways. But than again someone said.. God doesn't exactly put a story.. sometime the decision you make the road you choose carves your life.. so it sort of you write your own life. Not exactly in a way because there are many times that you manage to avoid that part but if destiny was set.. well what do you say??
Anyway that was just stupid thing I'm thinking at 2 a.m in the morning because I can't sleep. I'm informing you that I will be changing my blog because of a few reasons that I have to run from like four years of history ago example.. So if any of you want an update try searching for me if you can hehehe... Nahh.. I'm not that bad.. this blog will still be up for a few months so you guys can place comment on my blog for whoever who wants to know my latest blog URL. So I gotta go.. my head spinning my colds worst, my minds fading, my cheers for a toast... hhahahaha.. I'm nuts in the middle of the morning.. hehehe..
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Chasing Cars
Everyday, every minute, every second, every life , every time, every year, every family, every friend, every community, every girl and every boy. Each and every one of the people in this world. More than six billion people that are living this world suffer yet the same story of their life, yet different and unique in each way. What's broken couldn't be restored, what's shaken couldn't be saved, yet what's shattered couldn't be replace. I regret I miss, I think of the times it could've been. This last year my one last stand, the last time I will be in here. Seventeen and growing, seventeen and complicated, seventeen and scared, seventeen and facing the world alone that is full of violence, love, caring, manipulative and many more kinds of people. Am I thinking to much, am I scared because of past relationships, am I just bursting into tears to show the world who I am going to be. Will one girl change theworld,will my dreams be heard and seen, will it come true even if faith in believing was shaken many times. Sometimes I'm so high up on a pedestal,sometimes I was pushed so low that I couldn't stand. I thought I had the people I love around me, I thought what I needed was there for me, but I guess it was never meant to be. Why I keep my identity a secret why I choose to be secretive are the reasons you have seen I wrote about. I was given a question to write about my fears and facing it, my answer was my fear is to be alone, to not achieve my dream to not help others in need ,to not be there for the person she loves ,to face the world alone, to hold on tight to the rope that is slipping away, to be out there. When asked on who I looked up to, my answer was someone I know but they don't know me, when they say state the reason why, I choose to say their personalties of believing, having faith, strong, wary and caring and loving and many more are the reasons. The question asked again, will you follow this role models, and are they someone that is close to you, that you choose, I replied I choose someone that isn't close to me let alone know me. When asked to name THREE those that are considered invaluable, those that qualify should be eager and able to support you in various ways and vice versa. Difficult to answer the question I stared down quietly. It asked again if it's hard tell me who makes you feel good about yourself? Whom do I trust? Who leads a happy and healthy life? I sat there for fifteen minutes yet no picture came to my mind.. not one single picture...Not one person that I know would fit that.. not one.. I choked.. I stand.. I looked in the mirror... The question still continues even if the tears was shedding slowly... the questions that are left unanswered till this day..
Those three words--\
Are said too much---} I Love You
They're not enough-/
If I lay here------------------------------------\
If I just lay here-------------------------------} Who will ?
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?-/
Forget what we're told------------------------\
Before we get too old------------------------- }Dreams are impossible..they say
Show me a garden that's bursting into life----/ But is it possible...
What Do You See , When You see me
I smile and laugh, jokes around no doubt, even when I fake cough, you know what I am about,I know it must be tough , when you can figure what I am about, so tell me, what do you see, when you see me, cry and laugh, smile and sad, sensitive and scared, reluctant but dare, to dream and write the unwritten life, what do you see when you see me.
How do I swallow, How do I live, How do I just....
Who we are, why does this anger is building up, I feel like screaming my lungs out, it's so unfair.. it's unfair.. it's unfair.. it's just unfair..
Slow Sunday..
It's a slow Sunday.. I am really bored and I obviously have nothing to do.. So I'm just entertaining myself. Maybe I should write a song titles Slow Sunday. I am dragging the fact that I have school tomorrow and my crazy schedule will eventually invade my life. I am sick as hell.. my throat feels dry and my flu is still there and I am sweating like hell. Hmm what else should I write. Well I guess that's all... bye.. hope you have an entertaining weekend. unlike me. bye !
Sooner or Later...
Hey everybody, I had a pretty hectic day today but I'm glad it ran smoothly. I was the facilitators for the new librarians. Pretty much I just teach them how wrap books and kick in data's. I haven't had the inspiration to write, write lyrics, compose a song, stories or edit a video. Finally after suffering for how many months without the muse standing close to me, she finally came back to help me. For over the months I have to state that there are many that has hurt me, care for me, and share the same story as me. For the people who hurt me, they didn't realise they were the cause of it all. I got to used to keeping everything buried inside of me that I forgot to express it by words. There is a say " Actions speaks louder than words" well that is how I am. It's hard for you to figure out because usually by saying it, it makes it clearer to others of your true feelings. One thing I learned if you make it clear of the things you dislike, pretty much they don't understand or try to help you that much. Some even demoralize you even more by saying your acting weird or maybe you are just over pressured. I know when I'm in denial but even if I don't realise if I'm in that circle, eventually I will come to my senses.
I have been trying to hide this feeling or avoid this feeling is because I'm in denial. I know that I'm in denial. This one person has been so blind as to see that I had always like him for who he is. As the years past by I realise I'm loosing hope, loosing confidence whether his feelings is true to me or not. In the end I choose to avoid thinking of him till recently I stumble into his pictures. Ever since he bail on me, I became over protective of myself. I refuse to talk to him for a few months and that I know is a fool of me to do that. Since then I have been having a crush on multiple guys that lasted during that moment. If he was reading this, well first he might be blind, or his clueless, or he is just to arrogant to admit anything or maybe I'm the idiot.
