My Innocence and Seeking My Younger Self

Honestly, life hasn't been going easy on me. I have so many to tell yet, whenever I am in front of my laptop trying to write it out, everything just disappear. I've never realise how I miss being the old me. I am well known of being blur, spacing out, a loner, unpopular, I don't have many friends and maybe in some circle of people they see me as a looser. People backstab me which is normal and make up stories about me. Some find it interesting that I can stay patient for a long time but when I've reach the point of no return I began to rebel and give them back for what they deserve. That happens rarely, which is not good actually. I don't commit myself in things and I guess over time, I began to be a person who is very reserve about herself. I don't mix much but not for the reasons that I used to have, but now for the reasons that I fear of stepping into that light where it's a scary world. You can't really trust people and you can''t really find a true friend. So most times I have friends but I hold back some things about me. I dare not tell them the truth of what I feel or what I'm facing. Possibly because I wonder if their reasons for doing that was not actually to help me but to sell it out, make use of my problems or secrets and many more things. I began to fear for so many things and I no longer know how to trust a person. There's always this wall that I hid myself in and it has been building itself from time to time.

I also have this habit of trying or forcing myself to make friends. Though many have been friends of mine, I rarely feel that I can be the real me or be comfortable around them. So I end up hiding the real me and try to be like them which is quite pathetic of me. I also have this habit where I feel an attraction to become closer or be friends with some people. But that comes rarely, yet when it comes, I feel this sudden warmth and you're comfortable with them whenever you see them. It's like you know they are going to be a good friend. Speaking of that I also make better friends with elderly people. -,- . Sadly yes, I'm not sure the reason behind that. I can get along with people my age, but I feel more comfortable among older people. I love to see the way they talk and the way they laugh over things. They are cute, even though they are old. Like my grandmother, she may be old but there are things about her that makes her look cute in her own way. Sometimes she cracks me up, and sometimes seeing her resemblance in my mum just makes me feel comfortable. I know I'm not making any sense but, interestingly it's really hard to explain.

There is also this one old man that I find him very nice. He works in a pet shop or own the pet shop nearby my old school. I own two cats, so whenever we ran out of cat food I often stop by there after school to buy cat food for my cats. I never really thought he would remember me, since sometimes I see his wife instead of him in the shop. They are a very nice couple. However, when my sister started working in a new company, she began buying the food for the cats as she got it cheaper. Apart from that I finished school and now I am further studying in another state. Hence, I no longer come by the shop as often as I did in the past. However, when I have time, I would visit the shop and buy something there, just to visit. He always seem to remember me and we would end up having short conversations as I browse around the shop. He looks very fatherly, and his very nice. I guess that's why I still come by the shop everytime I got the chance too. It felt good to be remembered and also it felt nice visiting the shop every single time. He also used to give me discounts back when I was regular customer who visit his shop often. I also feel like a kid whenever I shop in that shop. ^,^

Lastly, I manage to seek my old much more innocent self when I started reading manga again. I realise how much my character was related to the character in the manga in the older days. It's interesting and yet sad, because I miss being that girl. I still am sometimes. Sometimes, there are jokes that I don't get. I space out often and I also get made fun of because I catch things slower than others. It's annoying at times but I guess that's just me. I've improve better in getting all the jokes but I miss the old me.

Alright I think I'm going off to bed soon. Feeling kindda tired and I have a long day tomorrow. I guess that's why my writing hasn't been going too good.. I'm a little off a bit. Good night world. May god bless you and have a happy last day before new year ^,^.