I Wish I Can Freeze Time

For the past few days, I've been laughing and smiling almost 24 hours per day. It came to a point that my cheeks hurts so bad. But in that moment that I share my laughter with my family or my friends, I didn't trust the moment. I didn't believe that it was real, happening to me. Not a second later, the feeling of sadness would overpower me and I try my best to hold the tears in. Sometimes I feel like I was isolated though I felt involved at the same. It was like I was an adopted child who belong to a family yet you know you don't belong to them. I wanted to freeze the time, rewind and play it over and over again. I guess that's why sometimes I laugh all of a sudden in the silence and in the absence of my thoughts in the present. It is because, I play the memories over and over again in my head. I would smile alone and sometimes let out a small giggle when I think of something that was funny. I wanted that moment to last forever, and I know deep inside that moment would pass, and I would drown again and again. I wanted to tell somebody but my heart has close it's gate when I accidently stop trusting people, stop letting my guard down. I would think twice about everything, and the ache in my heart hurts deeper. It is as if, it's swollen from coping all the feelings inside and turning itself into a cold and dark heart, that is filled with despair. I wanted to feel something, I'm tired of feeling lost and isolated.