Honestly, life hasn't been going easy on me. I have so many to tell yet, whenever I am in front of my laptop trying to write it out, everything just disappear. I've never realise how I miss being the old me. I am well known of being blur, spacing out, a loner, unpopular, I don't have many friends and maybe in some circle of people they see me as a looser. People backstab me which is normal and make up stories about me. Some find it interesting that I can stay patient for a long time but when I've reach the point of no return I began to rebel and give them back for what they deserve. That happens rarely, which is not good actually. I don't commit myself in things and I guess over time, I began to be a person who is very reserve about herself. I don't mix much but not for the reasons that I used to have, but now for the reasons that I fear of stepping into that light where it's a scary world. You can't really trust people and you can''t really find a true friend. So most times I have friends but I hold back some things about me. I dare not tell them the truth of what I feel or what I'm facing. Possibly because I wonder if their reasons for doing that was not actually to help me but to sell it out, make use of my problems or secrets and many more things. I began to fear for so many things and I no longer know how to trust a person. There's always this wall that I hid myself in and it has been building itself from time to time.
I also have this habit of trying or forcing myself to make friends. Though many have been friends of mine, I rarely feel that I can be the real me or be comfortable around them. So I end up hiding the real me and try to be like them which is quite pathetic of me. I also have this habit where I feel an attraction to become closer or be friends with some people. But that comes rarely, yet when it comes, I feel this sudden warmth and you're comfortable with them whenever you see them. It's like you know they are going to be a good friend. Speaking of that I also make better friends with elderly people. -,- . Sadly yes, I'm not sure the reason behind that. I can get along with people my age, but I feel more comfortable among older people. I love to see the way they talk and the way they laugh over things. They are cute, even though they are old. Like my grandmother, she may be old but there are things about her that makes her look cute in her own way. Sometimes she cracks me up, and sometimes seeing her resemblance in my mum just makes me feel comfortable. I know I'm not making any sense but, interestingly it's really hard to explain.
There is also this one old man that I find him very nice. He works in a pet shop or own the pet shop nearby my old school. I own two cats, so whenever we ran out of cat food I often stop by there after school to buy cat food for my cats. I never really thought he would remember me, since sometimes I see his wife instead of him in the shop. They are a very nice couple. However, when my sister started working in a new company, she began buying the food for the cats as she got it cheaper. Apart from that I finished school and now I am further studying in another state. Hence, I no longer come by the shop as often as I did in the past. However, when I have time, I would visit the shop and buy something there, just to visit. He always seem to remember me and we would end up having short conversations as I browse around the shop. He looks very fatherly, and his very nice. I guess that's why I still come by the shop everytime I got the chance too. It felt good to be remembered and also it felt nice visiting the shop every single time. He also used to give me discounts back when I was regular customer who visit his shop often. I also feel like a kid whenever I shop in that shop. ^,^
Lastly, I manage to seek my old much more innocent self when I started reading manga again. I realise how much my character was related to the character in the manga in the older days. It's interesting and yet sad, because I miss being that girl. I still am sometimes. Sometimes, there are jokes that I don't get. I space out often and I also get made fun of because I catch things slower than others. It's annoying at times but I guess that's just me. I've improve better in getting all the jokes but I miss the old me.
Alright I think I'm going off to bed soon. Feeling kindda tired and I have a long day tomorrow. I guess that's why my writing hasn't been going too good.. I'm a little off a bit. Good night world. May god bless you and have a happy last day before new year ^,^.
My Innocence and Seeking My Younger Self
Growing Up
One day there was a girl who thought the problem she had in high school was too much to handle and she thought she ought to think as an adult to survive. She thought she was mature enough at the moment but it seems that was just the beginner level of taking the step into what I call pre-adulthood. Being an adult does not allow you to make decisions base on your feelings, emotions and heart. As an adult you act and decide only with your mind but not with your heart, you may think with your heart only when you are with yourself but not when it concern someone else. She did that mistake once when she followed her heart instead of her mind. She was not focus at one point and she realised that now. She had realise that she was immature and that things was not like it was when it was in high school. Little things does not matter in life and she was ready to venture into the world of her career. To make it successful as she can. No more diversion and no more being foolish over something. She realise what was more important, she realise that she is not ready for things like this. She realise that she has a long way and that she will think about it in the future when the time comes but not this time.
Apart from that, she may realise the mistake she has made in the past but at the end of the day she is human and she learns from mistake. She learn that people may talk about her, but she knows herself better. There are many who would make tales and sell them to others. At the end of the day it hurt likes hell but it's a part of growing up. However, she wished that things were different for once, for once maybe she was on the other side and not where she is right now. But than again, maybe this would be a god send lesson or message or practice for her. Besides, the moon can't be seen in the day and the sun may not appear during the night. It's just the way the world goes round. Whatever it is, we make do with the things we have and somehow everybody plays a part in everybody's life but remember one thing, you are the main character in your life because it's your own story line. So some bad things may be the spices or epic climax in your life before it settle down. Somehow, what she had wish for before this turns out to not go out the way she wanted. Things always gets complicated along the way and you began to realise that nothing goes the way you wanted.
I can't give you any advice that would help people who goes through the same thing this girl had. That is because I haven't found the best advice or solution to them. All you can do is that, people might talk and you might not like or feel happy about them but at the end of the day, you may look at yourself in the mirror and ask that person you see looking at you. Is it true what others have been talking to her, and if you know that it isn't you may smile and laugh it off. Laugh at the thought at how people can make up things even when they have never sat and had a cup of coffee or chat with you. So, who gives them the right for them to judge you and know who you really are without a legitimate evidence to who you really are when you don't know that person. So, be strong, look up straight and wear a face that shows your not guilty when you know that you aren't. One thing for sure, you may know who you are and wear a poker face but your heart knows your lying. At the end of the day it will kill you. So take a step by step level. Nothing comes easy. I know, and trust me when I say this. It takes time for you to digest everything and settle things out after shutting yourself out for almost a week now.
That's all I have to give you tonight. Hope you like my post and wish you the best in life. You'll soon know, signing out now !
Shadowed.
My attempt to stay silent for a week is done. Well I didn't really keep to myself, I did have some friends who was here for me. Friday was fun, I laughed and I never felt so free to be myself. Nobody could judge me and I didn't feel the need to keep myself constantly on guard. Those two who made me laugh so bad was Nadee and Hud. Yes, they deserve to be mention on my blog. I have never smiled and laugh so much since high school. I couldn't careless about the people around me who who was looking at us and wondering whether we are nuisance or not. I found a part of myself today. What goes around comes around but I couldn't really have that trust towards people nowadays. I shadowed that part of me now. I can no longer have that trust in people or just put myself out there again. Being a private person maybe will have it's perks. But I got my head pretty clear this week, especially on my main attention in life. No more looking back or wasting my time. I am going to focus on my studies and just keep to myself. Yes, keep to myself.
Third Day Attempt./ All Over
Today was amazingly interesting. I learn more and more on taking time by sailing solo. It took me awhile to realise that I was forgetting my intentions. Slightly tired by all the drama, I choose to fly solo and not get hurt. I spend the whole day with my niece and nephew and I realise they meant more to me than any outsider. I was happy to choose them over others. I was finally getting my head straight. Though there are fear in my heart to the outcome of this Saturday when I finally let myself out again. I know some might go against me and there some who don't bother at all. Whatever it is, that moment would be the time I will decide what my intentions gonna be, the answer to all I've been facing.
It is vital that in a writers mind, they must explore every aspects of the world. You must test yourself, explore your imagination, try something new and write the all the things that goes through your mind. It's amazing sometime how we read through our old posts and past writings. It makes you wonder who you were at the moment. I guess that's why I'm doing this, I'm writing on my blog base on my experience on trying to shut myself from many people or limited people in my life. See how everything goes and take the chance when you have it. It's amazing that when you think about it you actually survive quite well than you thought you ever will. For me, I'm surprise that I haven't had the chance to cry on the outside. However, I'm not sure if the ache inside is still there. Probably, the reason why I've been avoiding things, denying my thoughts or my feelings. It used to be comfortable being in that situation but I guess after awhile, I got tired or maybe the scar has grown deeper from where it first started. Maybe, that was the last straw for me.
I know I'm not making any sense, the idea is actually all over in my head. I hope you just stick with it. Enjoy your day tomorrow. Goodnight and Take care all you readers and bloggers.
2nd Day Attempt/ Stay
Hey all you bloggers, so second day attempt wasn't so good. I eat 2 plates of spaghetti and watching The Holiday and He's Just Not That Into You. I still haven't turn on my 2n number phone, and it seems like all this movie I'm watching is like hitting me below the belt. However, I manage to practice and I manage to spend more time with my mother. Reluctant as I am to start my classes, I don't mind studying without thinking.
Here's a story I've been playing in my mind;
The sweet smell of your coat made me miss you. My heart aches as I left them to be in the corner of the room. When you came to pack your bags, I cry, hoping you wouldn't go. The kitchen was in a mess, and the stairs seemed so fragile. If I could relive the memory, I wouldn't go through it again. I wish you would stop and stay, silent yourself and let the music play in the background. Hoping you would take my hand and dance with me like it was our first date. Yet, I knew the glass is shattered and even if I tried to paste them back together, there's the crack that will always remain there. That I know, will never disappear and that would mean we are living in-denial.
My fingers was sliding by the walls against the stairs. As I glide to the ground floor, I saw you there, crying on the couch of the living room. Sober for once, after weeks of being drunk. There was a frame with a picture of me on the floor, the glass was already cracked across my lips that smiled in the picture. He stood from where he sat and grab the frame from the floor. I was invisible to him, he was walking pass me without hesitation. A mirror that hang close to the living room looked solemn, no longer cheerful as it was before. I stand before it and I could see myself, as he stood behind me almost looking at me. Yet deep inside I knew he was not.
The house seems like it's about to crumble. The stairs seems like it's old and as if it's been awhile seems anybody had use it. Hours turn to days, and days turn to weeks, finally three months later, I realise I was fading from where I have been living. The pictures on the wall are gone, and the mirror that used to hang so beautifully is now across the floor. Shattered into pieces like the memories we've had. You walked away on me once and now you're doing it for the second time.
I close my eyes and I had travel into a room that was white with a single bed, where a woman looking so fragile lay. Her hair was Brunette in colour and her lashes curled beautifully. She was pail and she looked so sad and calm at the same time. On the side table, had a vase of Iris flowers that was blooming beautifully. A man entered the room with a single pink rose in his hand. I knew him from somewhere, somewhere at the back of my memory. Slowly, I've begun to forget my past memories, as if the more I try to remember, the more I had erase them. He sat there looking at me as if wishing for something. He place the flower on my right hand, instead of putting them with the rest of the flowers. He touched my fingers softly, touching the ring that was on her finger that seemed like she never took off, as the marks that was left there was an evidence. As he held her hand in his, I realise he wore the exact same ring on the exact same finger and hand as hers. I was confuse by the image I see. There's a tug in my heart that disturbs me.
Slowly I was fading slowly, as the woman on the bed breathe slower that usual. I heard a whisper coming from where the man who held her hand tightly. " I'm sorry that all I did was hurt you." and her heartbeat fade by the second until it was gone. It felt like my heart died inside, like it cry for only reasons that god knows. I realise that all I had to do was leave. As I made my way to the door, I heard a soft whisper " I love you." and I turn around only to relive all the memories. Everything made sense to me, the woman on the bed was all along me, and the man that was holding my hand was that man who had hurt me so bad nine years ago. Those were the words I've waited all this time, and now I that I've heard it I cry inside but I smile on the surface. I whispered a thank you to his right ear and touch his right hand. He felt confuse for awhile and I left the white room and took a last look at the flower that was in my hand.
Inspired by Miley Cyrus - Stay ( One of the many songs that I listen to. )
The Dark Silent Night
Occasionally, I could see a car drive by across the street of my house. I switched on the festive light hoping to add some light into my life. There were not many stars tonight and no moon that shine so brightly as the days before this. As I sit at my brother's balcony, I began to wander around in my own thoughts in search for an inspiration to write something.
The willow tree seems sad tonight or maybe it's only in my own mind and imagination. Soft wind that blew tonight, seems so delicate against my skin, yet I didn't feel the slightest bit comfort by it. Street lights was already switched on, however I'm surprise that I've never really notice them before. I realise that I have not been noticing the little things in my life as I used to before this. Always too absorb in making them happy, making them please, I overlook the things that used to make me happy in the past. That hold me to the ground that brought smiles in my own thoughts and made me want to chase my dream. Not even for a split second that I overlook the things that I would like to achieve in the future till 5 months ago.
We are always in search of people who care about us, yet we forgot one part of that, the person who care about us the most is either your family or yourself. There's a tug in my heart that wonder, if the things we do for others would be return back. Some say it's Karma, I call it fate. I used to be a Karma believer, yet I rarely seem the things I did for others being return back to me. Hence, I've become cold over the months, I would like to blame them for these things, but they contributed to it but the decision remains to be mine. So I stare tonight into the dark silent night hoping to witness a shooting star. My one and only wish is to achieve that dream, that plan I had created about 3 years ago in my life. I will be happy, and I intend to make that happen. Have hope and have a wish.
"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away."
-Raymond Hull
My First Attempt
Okay, so today would be my first day in attempt to know how to move alone with no friends or family and I have discovered something about me, I'm a total clutz. Honestly I hit things, I'm blur, and I'm also afraid of new things. Which is very bad, yet, very refreshing in my opinion. I like to do something that is different from my normal life routine. Yet, sometimes this new things always makes me nervous that leads to my hand being very shaky and my voice startle most of the time.
I'm guessing you must be wondering where I am right now. Well guess what? I am at a small deli called the Tea Shop Deli, I think. Enjoying myself a small plate of carrot cake and a glass of Ice Lemon Tea. I'm getting a hand of it, slowly. One thing I manage to discover is that, I think it's safer to be alone. It makes you feel selfish for once or just get the day off to see you as who you are and please yourself instead of others. Don't go following people's back or let people make you do what you don't want to do. Plus, I think I know how to handle myself once I get my heart broken from a relationship. Don't worry I was not in a relationship, but honestly it felt like one because of the way he treated me. I'm surprise we even remain friends after our last big fight back in August. I think he was the only guy who ever made me cry so freaking bad, but I had to stay strong and learn to grow up. Getting you heart broken is just one of the challenges in life we have to go through.
Plus, I realise that not many friends are really there for you, honestly none of them are there for you when you needed them the most. They don't bother to return calls, or even have the courtesy to text you back even though they are aware that you are in need of a help or a shoulder to cry on. I guess I've had enough and that is why I am giving myself 5 days probation to live alone and update all you readers out there on how I go about 5 days in a row alone. No friends and did I tell you that I deactivated my facebook account? Yes I did, and I refuse to sign on to my messenger or turn on my other cell phone with the number that many always contacted me. This week is all about me focusing only on myself and not on others.
That's enough on me blabbing about my whole life sucks and trying to find recognition and holding my composure around people. So this little deli that I'm sitting at seems to sell a nice carrot cake that after awhile would make you want more. As always my favorite drink to most shops would either be Ice Lemon Tea or Honeydew juice so I have no complains on the Honeydew juice. Actually these place seems to have more adult here, by meanings of adult I mean to put in a polite way is my mum's age. But sometimes I enjoy being around them, they have this kind of place they pick where it just calms your mind even when you are depress. Right now there's currently a table filled with them outside the cafe. They seem to be enjoying themselves among their friends and a part of me wanted to know if I would experience that. Than again I was hoping to have a friend like Taylor Swift who was there for Selena Gomez bearing snacks and singing to heartbreaking songs all night. Yet it didn't happen. So tell me? Am I pathetic? Don't answer that you will only make me feel even more pathetic. Alright I think I better finish the remaining cake I have here and my Ice Lemon Tea. Talk to you soon. I'll update you on my next post.. on being alone. Have a nice day all you bloggers. Take care !
Is it Ever Gonna Be Enough
As I sit here in my room, running away from all that I feel and drowning myself in tears, I couldn't really grasp fully my thoughts and my emotions. I feel so betrayed, so confuse, so cheated, so stupid and so foolish. As an adult, I learn from my mistakes, and I get by it by myself, I may cry, I may run away but I will move on. I will not my let heart break over and over again. Yet there is one thing, one thing I would like to know, if I ever I leave this world, would you regret? Would you cry? Would you even in the slightest way have an emotion running through you? I know the answer would be no, and I guess I have to run away.. Run as far away as I can and never come back. Never walk the same road, and never make the same mistakes. Sometimes, this are the things you realise you're better off alone. Now that I think about it, I enjoy being alone, just away from everybody, away from the public eyes and friends and family, and stop letting them judge you, say things about you and just see yourself only for yourself.
When I see the eyes that were watching mine in the mirror, I wanted to ask her if she was alright, would she be alright in hope she could answer them on my behalf, giving me hope. Hence, this one week would be my week alone, I'm shutting myself out for awhile and start venturing myself into this new world alone. So maybe, you will see my post being written from some place other than my room or the common places you'll know where to find me. At the end of the week I would like to ask myself, " Is it ever gonna be enough?" because I don't know whether what I've been through was enough to make me stop one vein in my body.
I Wish I Can Freeze Time
For the past few days, I've been laughing and smiling almost 24 hours per day. It came to a point that my cheeks hurts so bad. But in that moment that I share my laughter with my family or my friends, I didn't trust the moment. I didn't believe that it was real, happening to me. Not a second later, the feeling of sadness would overpower me and I try my best to hold the tears in. Sometimes I feel like I was isolated though I felt involved at the same. It was like I was an adopted child who belong to a family yet you know you don't belong to them. I wanted to freeze the time, rewind and play it over and over again. I guess that's why sometimes I laugh all of a sudden in the silence and in the absence of my thoughts in the present. It is because, I play the memories over and over again in my head. I would smile alone and sometimes let out a small giggle when I think of something that was funny. I wanted that moment to last forever, and I know deep inside that moment would pass, and I would drown again and again. I wanted to tell somebody but my heart has close it's gate when I accidently stop trusting people, stop letting my guard down. I would think twice about everything, and the ache in my heart hurts deeper. It is as if, it's swollen from coping all the feelings inside and turning itself into a cold and dark heart, that is filled with despair. I wanted to feel something, I'm tired of feeling lost and isolated.
Ache in The Night
She waited for days, worried and curious, she finally contacted him through via short messages service. She waited patiently as she was keen on at least knowing he would acknowledge her. Half an hour pass and there were no signs of him. Silently she cry in her sleep. She can't help but to cry her heart out at night. She couldn't understand her complicated and foolish heart, that keeps telling her lies at night and in the day. Nobody has ever made her cry so easily, but he manage to do that. Why is that? Is it because she enjoys being hurt or was it more than that. This wasn't the first time that it has happen to her but somehow no matter how she tries to speak like there's nothing wrong with her, she knows the choke and the tears that fall speaks the truth. There was once she smile and speak of him like there's nothing wrong, but her voice choked midway and though she tried to smile with her eyes, the tears still fell.
The tears didn't help her, as the person who would wipe them away was him and a pat her head once she's done crying. When her feet felt chilly, he would hold them to warm them up. When she felt sleepy, he would lend his shoulder to her. When she felt lonely at night, he would be the one to stay up talking to her till she fell sleepy. For each memory, was like a bullet being loaded into the gun and shot through her heart with not hesitation. She felt the urge to hang herself at the moment, she had thought about them so many times but was too scared to do it. After crying so hard she finally fell asleep, oblivious of her surroundings and the world that surround her.
I cry
The story goes along the thin line of hope and fear. In the dark of night where only the moon is the only light we see when the stars hid behind the dark clouds. She faces the lake as her heart drown slowly in regrets and despair. Wear her heart out on the sleeves yet obscured by her own feelings sometime. There are days she seems so sure, while there are also days she felt the stab of pain through her heart that she couldn't make up any excuses for what she felt. Every tear that came down her cheeks form memories that she wished to relive over and over again everyday. Even if it kills hers after that, at least she could smile alone for awhile and laugh a little or let her heart jump even for a second as the memory played in her mind. Things was perfect when they wanted to be, and when it wasn't she wanted to run and never stop. Running was one thing she wish she could do, but her mother had thought her to face challenges in order to move forward and not backwards.
Every season, as the leaves changed, and as the weather turned cold, so did her heart. With every passing season her heart was rebelious, and she no longer cry as she used to. She was stronger but she can't deny she still feels the stab everytime an object, a weather, or a place reminds her of him. She was now walking pass the ice-cream truck; instantly the memory of him buying her an ice-cream strike her mind. There was a time where there was a carnival, it wasn't part of their plan but they did it out of fun. She was teasing him about buying her an ice-cream once, with no complains he asked the girl for a cone of ice-cream and paid for them for her.
- A draft, I didn't know how to continue on... lol
