Miles away from home, from where I'm suppose to be, from where my heart and soul is, and all that's left here in the lonely room in my campus is just my physical self. The word death isn't a word I like to use with the ones I love and care dearly, it seems like the word has been surrounded by darkness, sadness, and tragedy for years after being used by others for so many times describing only the worst of stories than good ones. I prefer the statement, the passing of a life, it sounds less tragic and it somehow made you believed that the people who went away, left with a smile on their face and went on peacefully.
The closest I ever came to loosing a loved ones was when my cat died of Leukaemia two years ago. I wasn't ready during that time, I definitely cried most of the time. Through that experience, it thought me to be stronger but not strong enough to foresee a member of my big family who pass away months later. However, I was not close to him, but I knew him, I've talked to him, had conversations and heard stories about him. A pleasant man, who was my grandfather's cousin who took care of my grandmother ever since my grandfather pass away. If you realise, I didn't face enough experience to overcome this situation but I'm learning. As my grandmother always said "Kita nie belajar dari kesilapan" ( we learn from our mistakes). She was true, I made a mistake with loosing my cat Pedro by crying too much. Than when my great uncle grandfather pass away, I was scared to attend the funeral and preferred to keep a watch on my grandmother while we wait for the rest.
I'm glad god put me through light practices before facing this one, which I think would be the hardest among all the experience. I shall not dwell over the sadness but tell a story of how I wish to remember her, my last image of her. My grandmother, a woman who I was scared but I find her very unique. A person who is always calm yet vent out in the most funny way when she watch WWE. Imagine, with her all her might as she sat at the lazy chair facing the television as she eat our olden days food called "sireh", a tissue on her left hand to wipe off the mouth, and a "tasbih" on her right hand as she "wirid", she would pause for awhile and start saying " haaa pukul dia, pukul, haa kena tu, ambil tu" ( hit that man, hit him, that's it, take that) at such a young age watching her, I felt fearful during that time, especially with her cane standing at the side of the chair. There was a time when she had a wheelchair as she could not walk too much when we go shopping and we would call it Opah's Rose Royce and that one evening she wanted to use it, and asked her maid "mana kereta Rose Royce Opah?" ( Where's my Rose Royce) the children including the grandchildren laugh at her cuteness. She would tell the story of our family history during the war time, and I and my cousin would sit at the side listening to her telling the story of my grandfather and our previous family history. Remembering the time we offered her so many types of food and she kept on giving excuses like she was full but when we offered her a bowl of vanilla ice-cream, she could finish the whole bowl. It's funny how she always gave me money before I go back and told my me to buy an ice-cream and when my mother heard that after looking at the money she would always say " mak duit nie boleh beli 50 ice-cream mak" (mother, with the amount of money you gave her, she could buy 50 of them) and my grandmother would say "biarlah"(let it be). My most favourite moment and memory of her will always be that swing in the porch where she would sit, whenever we come to visit her or whenever we left her to go back.
That image will have it's special place in my memory. Her story will be told to my future generations. I shall believe she would be placed among the good people and close to my grandfather. Today, I received a call at 7.49 a.m from my brother, to deliver the news. I sat quite unable to digest the news yet until my mother called a few minutes later to say the same. The phone call was short and almost like a dream. When I woke up three hours later, I realise it was time to move on.
My grandmother had pass on and her memory will be remembered. Let's all say a prayer for her in our own way, AL-FATIHAH
I would've place a picture but I heard that it is not good to display pictures of the people who had pass on.
Passing of Life, Don't Worry You Are Loved More Than You Know
Updates
Dear readers, I'm aware that my posting comments link doesn't work... I've tried my best to fix it. However, it does look a bit weird but at least you are able to post the comment for me to read... please do disregard the comment box on the right side panel as it is full of spam and i rarely read them. I'll be working on getting a new one soon.. might be a problem finding a widget that can help me with that but as soon as I have free time I'll do something about me. For now you can post your comment by clicking the comment link on my post and click post comment(if i'm not mistaken) again and there will be a pop up box for you to write your comment. Look forward to reading them.
Isolation and Racism
It's normal that isolation happens in our everyday life and all of us overlooked them very often. We don't realise whenever the time we tend to just criticise people out of the blue for all the wrong reasons. As a girl growing up, I was never the popular girl but often the loner or the girl who got bullied. However, I'm surprised that I manage to surpass myself from all those fears and bullying that was going on in my life. No doubt, it was the hardest moment in life, and if you've got the chance to actually talk to my mum, she would tell you the many times I cried when I was young and the time I hid myself in the room hoping to cope all of it by myself.
My mother thought me never to run away from problems but I usually prefer those as I felt like packing up all of it and just dumb them aside in the attic of my own mind and never to look at them till time requires me too. However, being the shy lonely girl thought me a lot too and turned me into sometimes a person I hate to be but in order to put my points straight I had to do it.
I manage my high school life pretty good, better than I ever thought I could at least the last three years of my time there. However, entering university has never and almost till the end been easy for me. I'm left with 2 semesters to go through not including the one i'm in right now and the racism has gone from bad to worst.
My course requires you to go crazy, be outspoken and just simply confident. Confidence has never been my area of expertise and therefore led me to being isolated by others. In terms of racism you should know my course is being despised by others quite a lot than you think should, as the reasons are all wrong. You can see it in their eyes when you announce yourself as being a mass communication student, the cringe and the face they couldn't help but show is just purely annoying in my opinion. For that you get bullied if you're the only one from that course at the place you're staying.
In classes, I've realise I'm never suited for those high ends group neither have I been the only girl in a group of boys or the girls who just talks of all the latest news going around the place. Instead I stick around the quiet people and just try to fit as best as I could or maybe camouflage myself into any group. At the end of the day I am not who I am.
These are just parts of my life that I've begun to expose. Why I do these is just to seek answers to why people just push you or just rate you because of the course you're taking or just because you don't bring news or just because you're not crazy as those person. Is it so hard for you to go like hey new girl or hey you would you like to you know hang out sometimes? It's always your cliques and you and always the same people that surrouds you.
Bitter Heart, Unspoken Words, and The Pain That Pushes
It's not easy to write nowadays. I find myself staring onto a blank piece of paper or towards the wide screen across me. Overtime, I've become good at holding myself, keeping it all to me, and pretending that everything is alright. I put on a face that people rate as snobish or reserve. Could I help it? The answer to that, is that I don't. The things that calm me are the elements that exists on earth. The beauty of the leaves on trees or as it falls, the sound of the ocean and the feel of it on my skin, the sunrise and sunset, shooting stars, the feeling of sand under my feet. It may seem pretty reckless to some, but it's the beauty god has created that makes me feel innocent and hopeful.
About a month ago, I took a road trip to the beach and I found myself indulging in the moment. Everything felt free and easy to me. Problems placed in the back of my mind and I was worry-less for awhile. 
I guess overtime life took it's toll on us and as we venture into adulthood, life will teach and shape you. It was your parent's who may have contributed to who you've become but to me, life experience has shaped me a lot to who I've become today too.
It will always remain the same
No matter how much you try or pretend or believe that thing might just be different they will always tell you otherwise, and no doubt I have felt like things has been going rough and I got tired of people trying to make themselves think like you cannot have more than me and interestingly even if I had something more they will always find a way to gain what is more. I'm tired literally and what I want to do is just run and start my own life without them by my side because most of the time they just bring me down than making me stand. This is me signing out after being so freaking annoyed for almost a week.
Banging Myself With Myself
Dear bloggers,
As many of you might have realise I have been on the loop on posting blog entries regarding seeking myself and almost all the time, I've been saying I found and loose it and gaining something I cherish and finally loosing them all over again. Hence, maybe to all of you're doubts on whether I'm speaking the truth or not, yes, I am and often I've become the victim of trying to find the answers to everything from psyhcology , emotions, and also sociology. Excuse me from the extra weird vocabulary I've been using from too much information being downloaded into my mind from studying before finals. Creative writing aside, I'm going nuts to my surroundings that I'm trying my best to make the best of my present. Hence, I actually purchase myself a book on confidence which was a value buy which came with the other book title "You're not suppose to know because it's me being a weirdo to read such kind of book" , yes, that is not the real title of the book. I have also been hiding my head behind the latest book I had also purchase along with the book about confidence, which is "The Time of My Life" by Cecelia Ahern. After burying myself from going on marathons with The Vampire Diaries, One Tree Hill and Charmed Season 8, I decided that I should indulge myself with some reading. That should explain the many types of book that was left being covered with dust on the shelves. I'm the person who gets interested in books in the bookstore and place them on the shelves when I get back and too busy with study, the time for that has been push aside. Why am I writing like I'm in a rush is because I have a headache banging my head but I've slept throughout the evening that I'm not even sleepy but I must get back to life. lol. Okay That's just me being crazy so here's an update on why my blog entry has been pretty much empty.
If you could date any celebrity, who would it be?
That would be my latest obsession Ian Somerhalder maybe.. lol
If you could go only to one restaurant for the next five years, which would it be?
Italian, I love italiann food
Who can most easily make you laugh?
I laugh at the most random things, so the person who makes me laugh would be my family
If you could instantly become fluent in another language, which language would you pick?
Japanese, mandarin and spanish
What's the most delicious meal you've ever had?
Ooo that's tough I woul say, my dad's home made goulache
The Adult World That Was Concealed
I was shopping with my mother at the mall, as she was browsing around inside the shop I sat on the chair the mall had provided. It took long enough for me to realise how the world could be selfish and cruel, it passes by so fast that we didn't realise it was around us. Oddly, I have walked by so many path and yet I prefer the one I used to take, back when I was younger. In order to survive, we change to fit in, we change to survive. Nobody knew the pain, scars, and hurt a person goes through neither do they know the thoughts than runs through a person. Hence, because of the changes we make, we took another path and took another chance whenever we think it was crucial. Due to that, we change into a person that we no longer know at the end of the day, and when we look at ourselves in the mirror everyday, you wouldn't know who you really are because you no longer took the time to see your mistakes or the deeds you've done instead, you make excuses that you have other things to do rather than looking at who you've become or turning to. When we were small, we had our parents to tell us it's wrong and make us think of the wrongs we did and vow not to do it again and give praises when we're doing something right. In the life of adulthood, we no longer have them to tell or judge us instead we only have ourselves because by that time we should already know who we really are.
When I was young, I used to see things as black and white yet, I realise that was not applicable when we grow older. It's like playing a game of chess or monopoly. You make a strategy and take a risk. You form an alliance and be wary of your enemy, like and old saying "keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer" which is true in order to survive and not be cheated. I've been cheated, been fooled and there are even times I realise that I had to be selfish so I'm not made used off. However, it's harder than I thought at times as I am a bit naive where, I trust people easily and spoilt them a lot and at the end of the day I began to realise that not everybody are the same as yourself. It's a learning process to realise that when the person you thought who would be there to catch you when you fall was missing and you end up standing alone and walking alone on the path you've thought could be so beautiful or hopeful . That's when I realise that I had to be selfish, build a wall in order to survive. I turn into a person I refuse to be but I had to in order to survive. Yet, I learn that we may have to be like that but set limitations and don't trust anyone so easy, don't let your heart out that fast, take your time and smile always. Whatever goes on in your life is for you to judge and see and mend or improve. Take a few minutes to look in the mirror and tell yourself of the beautiful things you did and the mistakes you did so you can improve or avoid them. I'm not saying it's stupid nor easy but it helps to see that your no saint nor a devil. We're human and it's normal to make mistakes you might regret but realise it's the mistakes that you makes that turns into a lesson.
Iniquity of The Night
A child sits at the corner of the room and stared right through me. A toddler sat on the lap of a girl in her early teens. There's another girl who is between the age of 15 to 16 was standing close to me. All the faces, all of their eyes changed, showed differences yet remain the same. There's fear in each one of them yet, there's darkness in them that's fighting to be unleash. The voice, it's so familiar, I've met the person before, so long ago, in the age of darkness, in the age I was falling in so deep that I could barely see the light. It's saying " I'm back" I can hear the echoing of the voice in my head, among the four walls, I'm letting it in, I'm opening the door. The excruciating pain could be felt, yet there are no visible scars. As I look at each one of them, I began to realise that all of them were me. The memories came rushing in my head. The girl in the white dress, the time I fell so hard, the blood that left me questioning, the days I fell apart, the time I couldn't find the way out. It crumble down on me, I've been alone for too long. I've been dying inside for so long. All this while, I was living in indenial.
I can hear the dark thoughts in my head, I can hear the voices. Positive thoughts are chasing me away, I wanna scream out loud. Through out all this time, I've been holding up for too long and all I want to do is sleep for awhile. Let the world past me by, let the tears fall and let me disappear for awhile. I wish I could let go, I wish I could see my soul, I wish to someday recognise. All the girls in the room thoughts something to each one on the ways to survive. I couldn't give them because my advice is to let go of life. The fear builds up, and all I want to do is sleep. Sleep for quite sometime and not face the world till I'm ready. Yet at the same time I wanna scream, scream and shout and hit myself. I just want to push this all the way...
I believed in hope but I'm suffocating because of my belief
In the breaking of dawn, I sat outside the building where I always think of as a part time shelter. The cold breeze of the morning sends chills through my skin, yet I embrace it because I've missed it so much. I miss to just let go of the masquerade that I wear and just be me. Explore my world without having to hold up those walls that threatens the truth in me. Threatens the real me that I seem to be keeping inside. I'm dying to be home, not only because I miss my family, it's because I miss being me. I miss letting my guard down, I miss to just let my walls down and stop wearing this mask that I've suffered alone.To wear it and knowing nobody notice that it is not me. People judge me for things they don't know, they talk about people, and although I don't fancy those in the old times, I'm force to now because I have to. All I need is to survive today and tomorrow. Though my heart yearns to go back today, I'm force to just breathe the air for just another day. It wouldn't take long but I hope the day passes by unnoticed like the wind passes by without us noticing it most of the time
Today I'm Not Me
Today I wore my poker face,
Clothes that are designed for pretentious,
It's typical for people in my case
When a person wants to be taken serious,
I reminisce as the water cleanse,
Looking in the mirror and wonder who I see,
This is not me, I'm not at peace,
Who is this, somebody else I see,
She looked so different,
A part of me seems so distance,
A part of me wanted to scream,
Let the tears fall let herself crawl,
Today I'm not me,
Today I see my mistakes clearly,
I wish I could leave,
I wish I would've thought before I speak,
Because today I'm Not Me,
I'm somebody whose trying to fit in,
(C) 2011, By S.S
It's A Legend
10 years of making and anticipations, undeniably predicted best movie for all age group, making millions in box office, gaining fans for each part they release, this movie will be a legend in the future. Who have not heard of Harry Potter, the movie that took a decade to bring readers imagination to life. I for once gave a big applause to Harry Potter.
I am not a fan of Harry Potter, but I was curious by the fan base Harry Potter had build, fans that remain loyal to the movie for a decade. What was so special that those books sold millions? How did the movie make so much money? My cousin who was one of the fan out of millions invited me to accompany her to watch Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince one day. Since then, the curiosity in me grew more and more. I began anticipating the next one, wondering how can the story continue as too 8 parts from 7 books. How they kept their fans wanting and waiting for 10 years.
After finally having the time to watch the last and most anticipated movie of Harry Potter, I realise that they deserve those honours. No book or movie could beat this movie. Children grew with this movie. Newspapers writing about J.K Rowling next book for Harry Potter being released and people ordering and lining up like they are buying an Ipad or Ipod. Publishing the book in both adult and children hardcover. I was surrounded by the children who grew with this movie around me. I was one of the kid who didn't like this movie at first when others was reading, talking, quoting phrases and spells from the book and movie.
Harry Potter inserted love, passion, trust and loyal attributes inside the movie. It was a movie made for children watch. No movie could beat Harry Potter not even Twilight. That is the truth. Being a fan of Twilight previously, I am sad to say I lost my interest in it. My salute and applause goes to Harry Potter for gaining fans in a decade and loosing none. One day if my younger generation asked me What was the greatest movie of all time, I wouldn't think twice of telling them it's "Harry Potter".
wht are ur dream???
To someday share my music with the world hoping to help and change their lives in some ways.
For Every Notes That Touched My Soul
If it was so true that peaceful comes in many forms in life, some say in the eyes of their children, some say from the silence of the surrounding, while some say it's the ambience. While others found them in every forms of way, i discovered mine at the very young age of five. I was sitting in a chair in my parent's room where my mother was busy mopping while playing Richard Claiderman in the background. In the first volume of my diary, I wrote every single peaceful thoughts that comes to mind. That was the time I realise that each notes touched my soul and I enjoyed every inch of the music while I wrote with my kiddish handwriting in my diary. Although it was far beyond my expectation that my passion for music would last till I grew, my regrets was not to let my mother knew that side of me. However, I knew she knew, as I was five we received an Organ from my aunt and though it sounded rash and annoying but I enjoyed each key the organ makes. My brother hated it, as it was annoying since I never actually learned how to play them. So the precious instrument was set to the side of the hall, covered in dust for years and years and for passing seasons and occasions.
In the curiosity of mind, I went to touch the organ with my bare fingers, my heart sunk to the amount of dust that has covered it. A form of sadness fills my heart and that brought regrets after that. Nobody knew that side of me, the side of me who believes more in arts than it logic. Everybody seems to think of my passion as a form of my new interest that soon will wither through time, like the toys I've bought and played for a few days and than was set aside after I've done with them. However, I didn't believe that, yet through time, I began to believe them myself and though my heart would jump at the sound of a music instrument, I let them drown again. Soon I realise, my passion was more for arts than in logic's, I couldn't hid them from myself neither should I hid them from the people I love.
Hence, I sat at the corner of my room by the window and began to search for a closure or an epiphany. My thoughts was wondering through the sky. I slowly venture myself into the world of arts when I had the chances. My mother gifted me an acoustic guitar at 14 and I played each string until I enjoyed the sound of it and learn new chords bit by bit. At the age of 19 I joined school dance club to slowly find myself, that part of me that yearns to learn about arts than any logic education my father was hoping I was taking. Do you sense the tranquility of the moment when you listen to the music?
I Cut Through It Bit By Bit
The cold night was relaxing as Samantha walk down the sidewalk. Silently in her heart she prayed to god “ May every step that I take as I walk through this sidewalk, erase the memories that I’ve shared with the first guy who ever won me over yet broke my heart to pieces at the same time.”. She closed her eyes holding her tears back as she took those steps.
The first five steps reminded her of the day Aaron had took her bag from her shoulder that took her by surprise. She smiled as they fought a little over his surprise action. His smile still lingers in her head and she slowly let them go as she continued walking.
In the next few steps, she remembered their first day out just the two of them. They were misunderstood as being a couple wherever they went. Samantha, can still remember that night he bought her ice cream and they fell asleep on each other on the bus. Those were the sweetest memories she had with him. As the tears began to fall, so did the memory.
Each footstep left a memory behind and she still continued on, she went on and on until it was a struggle to even think that she’s loosing each one of them. Finally the last memory that was left to forget was the youngest memory of them all that she had collected. It was the day she walks away and took herself back.
Her final steps came rushing as she asked for everything that belongs to her and gave him everything that belongs to him. She didn’t speak much neither did she explain whatever that was going on, but she knew he should understand the reasons for her behaviour and drastic action. When she got the things that she came to take, she stood, said her goodbyes, and walk away. Her heart pleaded to just look at him for one last time, but she kept a straight mind and didn’t even turn an inch. That was the end of it and she’s not giving him more chances that he has already gotten.
What Happen ?
It may take passing seasons, years and years of denying, take every moment that was written on a piece of paper and binned them into a book for others to read. No regrets but sadness that fills the feeling of being unsure in the current situation. The passing waves and the dim of the sun set, thought me so many things even in the silence of the wind. I would love to travel there and just seek myself. Myself that I've lost, that I've strive to search for almost a year. Did this place change me? Did the experience took me away? Did the reality scared myself into believing that person was capable of living? Is it me that was giving up slowly?
It is true that as you grow older, you need time out from others and for almost a year, achieving it has been a struggle like catching a shooting star across the sky.
In the corner room has always been me, the unnoticed, the invisible, the ghost who appears but no one ever realise. No matter how much sound I make, how many times I've raise my hand, but I was always just there, that girl, who is she? nobody knows or appear to notice. All this time, I've strive to fit in, strive to get that feeling, strive to be treated like any other people but it was just a passing wind that remains invisible unless the people around them needed it or wanted it. Who am I? Where I am? Why am I here? My heart aches but most of the time, it aches of confusion. I need the answer to what I wanna feel, what I feel and should I feel?
Life
Life is full of expectations and predictions. At this moment I can admit that I predict I will graduate with diploma by the end of next year, continue my degree maybe overseas and start working by the age of 22. Expect things would go smoothly without any bump on the road that can be swerve. However for every step ahead I took, my heart sunk just a little, enough to remind me where I came from and where I belong. Enough to slap myself at the thought of myself 10 years ago, a child who smiled and the weight of the world was not on her shoulder. I used to sit and imagine myself being that person I want to be with no worries, but the more I venture into the world of adulthood, I wish I could take back the wish I made years ago. A wish that I made, sublimely to the thought of working, earning money, freedom comes easy and the joy you see was perhaps what made you think the world was ruled by you.
Nowadays, I learn new thing day by day, I have my preferences rather than depending on others, you think for even the most little action that you do. Your thoughts are more serious and you began to lost the laughter you enjoyed when you were small when everything can be done freely. The time when you were small when whatever you do was not being judged but only be scolded. We had the magic and confidence that was hard to be taken away from. Yet over the years you lost most of it. At times when you sit among people, or watch a funny comedy and laugh like you didn't care, you began to realise how much you've missed it. You weight your actions and you realise every step further is another step harder than the previous. Now, life is full f decisions, thinking, wondering, perceiving and careful with every step.
For Each Passing Season
It is true that life and love can be related to the passing seasons of the months in a year, Spring, Summer, Fall/Autumn, and finally Winter. It starts with a feeling of bliss, beautiful memories were created along with the blooming of the flowers that forms a garden in your heart. Everything was perfect and everything felt right at the moment. For when the season moves to summer, you began to realise the feud that began to occur one after the other. Like the hot summer, not many are willing to back down from their stands and the fights turns to worst. That's when Fall or Autumn comes where all the memories that was there began to wither like the leaves that fall from the trees. For all that was left, were just the branches to give hopes of possibilities. However, if only the hopes were enough to survive the cold winter. The season where the heart turns cold and left you wondering whether the situation should deserve a second chance to survive them. If it works out, you will go through another cycle of passing season, if not, that's when your heart turns cold and never look back.
It was a tragedy to let your heart break into pieces and have them restored over only to have them broken again the next time. It's no wonder why a single star prefers to shine alone rather than depending on the moon. It's no wonder that we walk alone in this world without others there. Like a car that travels on the road, they have stops as a passing time that acts as friends who was there once and gone the next because you're always on the move. Along the road, we learn the hardest things in life and got through it overtime.
The Sun, The Cloud, The Elements Of Life, and The Gift From God
If you could count the stars that were shining tonight, there would be none that would shine as bright enough to catch my attention, if you could wake up every morning and see the sun rise, there wouldn't be anything more beautiful that to see your smile, if I were to complain about the rain outside, than you would tell me that nothing or nobody is perfect. For everything that made me sad, you always manage to send smiles across my face and into my eyes. I never found anybody who could take your place and I guess that's why, nobody was able to take on that name besides you. That's I why I called you Mama, and you're the first word I learn. You're the first person I met when I came to this world. You're the first person who cared for me. Through time, I am amaze to how good you do it.
Walking down memory lane, I realise that you made me strong for everything that you've done. I may overlook the memories when you surprised me with McDonalds, or take me out for lunch. Spending time just me and you is the most precious memory I have. The nights you spend laying beside my bed because I was scared to sleep. The days I came back home crying and you're hug was the best medicine for everything. Hours of phone call when I'm away for the first time. The days when your voice was enough to take on every emotion that I was suffering. It was always you who could do those things. It was always you who came to my head, who would listen to my stories, no matter sad or happy, no matter you're busy or not, it was always you who would always be there and I know it. There would be no one else and I'm glad that you're mine.
For days and nights, I thought of the best words to describe you as you and as a mother. Yet, when I checked the dictionary, they haven't invented that word. But know deep in my heart, there is one place that always belong to you and never doubt that. Happy Mother's Day mama. I love you so much.
Diary of Thoughts and Hearts
It's amazing at times when you go through the pages of your diary and you see written words written across every page. It's like a story book of life and as you go further, you will find empty pages. Those are the pages that are left to fill the unknown future. That diary will become the story of your life where you are the leading character, even when someone see them, and read them, it will be a beautifully written story book because it's real. There are no lies but filled with pure honesty. Beginning when you first see life as life really is.
How many years would it take for us to just breathe in and realise how far we've come. How did things move around without us realising the changes in our life. Would you take a moment and look at your past, that girl who comes back to you every now and than that you've forgotten. Would you tell her your present and would you stop her from her mistakes? I look out my dusty window towards the lake that brought me down memory lane. I look back and there was a tug in my heart. I close my eyes and I remember the sound of the squeaking door on the third floor of my school. The school bell rang although there were no pupils around. I touched the creaked door and saw myself sitting there wearing a pinafore. It was my imagination but it brought me closer to myself that I felt I've lost for quite sometime.
Would you ask yourself, where you are now? Are you scared? I do that every now and than and most of the time it's always yes, yes I am scared. The burden as the passing season is scary. Loosing myself, that way of writing and thinking scared me. Hence every now and than, I pick up a pen and a book and just write although I never knew where I'm going. It's like driving without a destination. As if the world spinning can be felt at every moment when you write everything out. It has it's beauty but the fear is something unbearable at times. You begin to realise who you care and who you see when you close your eyes. It doesn't make sense but when you take a while and just clear your head and slowly go back through time maybe you would understand.
Is It Just Written Words and Lies of Actions.
It feels like I'm strangling myself standing above this ground. I feel lost, like I no longer know who I really am. I'm struggling to find the support, trust and confidence in my heart. Yet things seemed different, I'm aware of the loneliness I feel inside but it's getting hard to overcome that fact. I need answers and confidence that I used to have.
I'm A Girl At Heart and a Leo
I'm so in love with her clothing line seriously. I've been watching her line and I'm wondering where can I get it in my county. Here's a video of Selena Gomez's clothing line Dream Out Loud.
Family
Family is the greatest gift a person could ever receive. They are there through good and bad times. I began to realise that through time and I'm glad that although at times I overlook this fact, god somehow showed me the way back. Whenever I cry, the only person who picks up the call is my mother, the only person who cooks for me when I'm hungry is my father, the only person who thought of me when they look at somethings is my sis, and the only person who will protect me is my brother. The only people who accepts me whining or crying or crazy, or disable, or being a maniac or a total wreck is my family. Nobody else would except this flaws that I have except them. I feel so bless to have this family and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Through fights that we have I begun to realise the love we have for each other was unique in their own way.
My mother has become the greatest inspiration in life. Through hard times she stood there strong, trying to live life when deep inside she just wants things to end so easily. I remember looking at her, searching for her, and not my mother at first. I couldn't. That was then, through time that passes by I began to saw her. I saw a part of me in her that surprises me. I realise that her passion for arts was where I got mine from although she was never able to pursue it. I realise that she can do something if she puts her heart into it like I did. For example, the time she knit or sew those table runners. She is independent in her silent way. When she actually move on her own the things around the house. I realise that sometimes she is sometimes surprise with her own actions herself. She's a great joker and cute at times. She often emotional blackmail her children that make her children smiles at times when she remembers them. She's a kid at heart who enjoys simple things in life but mature in times that we don't expect. She's my mother and I wouldn't know where I'll be without her by my side. Her voice was enough to make me smile, laugh, cry, or loved. That's my mother, artistic, creative, mature, hard-headed, loving, shy, full of wisdom, determine, funny, cute, independent, and so many more. I love you my mother.
A Rainbow That Made Me Happy
I'm a little odd, I can feel so happy just watching the rainbow or shooting stars. But I'm glad this are the little blissful things in life that exist for free. This picture was taken yesterday after I finished my last class for the day. It's like a secret that god gives me to make me smile for the day. I was so psyched that I actually took lotsa picture. Yeah, I'm trying to be optimistic but hell what you only live once and I'm seeking my old self back. So what the heaven !! :D
Searching For Someone You Once Knew So Well
I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that fights will lead to something better at times. I believe that once you've overcome something you'll see the difference, and I believe that through time, my life here has changes for so many things. I can't deny that some are bad and some are good. Now when I sit here, I began to realise that I change myself to fit the perfect package of others but not mine. Who I am, or what is left has been screaming to stop myself. Those confidence that I carry around seems to disappear bit by bit and I regret letting them do so. All this while all my thoughts were to be accepted that I had forgotten the people who truly accepted me.
During the days in high school, I wasn't being accepted nor was I being liked with rumors about me going around. At the end of the day, I stood up, I place a smile that I began to believe in more and more each day and I never really told them the truth. They all found out about me by themselves. Some even told me that I was the total opposite of people has been saying. Yet, why do I try here? Is it because, I'm in a new environment or maybe have I lost who I am in searching to handle my in the outside world. The outside world with no comfort zone, nobody to hang on, and nobody to trust. I can't deny that I'm not sure of who should I trust or shouldn't trust. No matter what? God has been the one person I talk, cry, praise, or tell the most stupidest thing that some of my friends won't accept. God is the only person that wouldn't judge me and I am free to tell everything and pray to every single time I needed help.
Today, I am pulling my old true self from the past. Not be that serious girl I've turned to be since I entered university. I will smile and laugh. I will tell others that I'm fine just being who I am. Yet, I will listen. Nobody is perfect but I believe, your imperfections is what makes you perfect.
That's all for now, make sure to check out for future updates of my life in a new phase.. hey I'm just in my second semester ;P Love you all !!!
Life is Interesting
It is interesting to know how people survive throughout the years of their life. How they got through hard times when the spices were just added a little too much for someone to cope at the time. Today, I woke up with my whole body aching, due to excessive sports that I never really like to indulge myself in but was being force to yesterday. While lying on the bed, thinking about my whole life and how I've come through, I realise that there are so many things that change but I'm afraid to accept. I hate the thought of being independent, I hate the thought that things might just turn around for the better because I was used to things turning out so bad. Sometimes, I hate the thought that I might just be strong for awhile, because I was so used to breaking down when I think that all is too much for me to cope. I would sit and wait for the tears to fall, but lately it seemed like, I should be grateful to where I am and make it the best for me to cope.
There's so much for me to learn, though I know I'm not able to stand but I'll learn to crawl for now Even the birds fall before they can fly so I guess this is one of the millions time that I fall over and over again. Maybe whatever I did was a mistake but I'm sure it was a mistake to be done on purpose so I could learn to move on. Life can be pretty funny at teaching us.
Save You, Kills Me
In the cold fall of the year, a girl and a boy, with hearts of confusion walked together underneath the fallen leaves from the trees. The girl was happy, almost the happiest time of her life. She remembered the rain that drizzle and as they walk down the sidewalk, she could almost capture that smile on his face. That smile was enough to make her heart rate beats faster than she ever thought possible. The first time she ever spend a day, with a boy who treated her like she was special, with ice-cream and hot dogs at the carnival and made her smile throughout the days that passes by.
Among all the memories that they had together, those two days was the best days she could have ever imagined. A rose was given to her, and she remembered feeling shy when he did that unpredictable action. However, she began to realise, things don't go the way she wanted. They were nothing, and she was his friend and nothing more than that. She felt stupid all this while, and as she realise the ways he had talk to other girls, she realise he was no different to any other guys. He didn't felt the same way she did for him.
All in all, she was left in the darkness of hurt and burn. She knew it was too much to hope for but she forgot to seal what she had protected all this while. The one thing she treasured in her life, her heart. Now, it's broken into thousands of pieces that couldn't be restored overnight, over weeks,and possibly over years. The cause has been done, and she is left with nothing to feel. At lost, at burn at a state of feeling nothing at all.
Written On The Surface
I was sitting in my room alone yesterday when I saw different written words on the wall. One of them wrote "....... was here, 2002-2004" , there was another one that wrote " I love my mother" and others are pretty much the same. It got me thinking about what we write about, what we left behind was actually a permanent mark in that place. Your footsteps, your breath, your presence and memories. I remembered writing on my high school table saying I was there from 2005-2009. It's amazing now, to think that the people in the future might have seen it and thought of who was the person before me? Did she enjoyed her time in that place? Where is she right now? Did she do well in her studies and become somebody? I could not help myself to think of those things and it was slightly interesting. From there, I began seeking other phrases that were different, and stumble upon a conversation between two people written on the table. It was funny, yet I felt slightly guilty at the thought of prying into people's conversation.
Therefore, nowadays I prefer to be this person I call watcher of time passes. I let myself be invisible to others as I let them passes me by. If you play it at fast phase you will realise the presence they left behind. How their presence there was actually important to others. I see fights that occur before me for no reasons, over a simple joke. Apart from that, I saw both my friends who was in a relationship teasing each other. Friend who are close and friends who pretend, students and lecturers who keep their distance but there are some who are really close, while they are also others who sits alone without a care about others.
Tired Of Trying
As for this moment I have lost hope, to every single good thing that exist in this world. The word friend doesn't exist, love is far from where it stands and at the end of the day I am who I am and I'm tired of trying. Things has been going good at home, more better than I ever thought would be. Yet, there is this part of me who didn't want to accept it. I fear for the worst to come. It might be going on so well now, but how sure can I be that it will go on so good in the future. How sure can I be that I won't get hurt again by others. At this rate, and at this point, I've been hurt so many times that I don't want to be close to anybody, not being close to anybody means not letting myself be hurt by others. Hence, I don't know what to believe. I stop believing, stop having hope, but having a dream is the only thing that keeps me going. Is it enough for me to get there? Will I just tear myself down in the next few weeks? God knows.
People may recognise me as a true friend and all, but not many will I say the same thing. They don't prove to be a good friend, they are just an acquaintance that is there now and gone the instant you need them. The word sacrifice for friends doesn't exist in their principles of friend. They are just merely there to make use of you, your kindness and when they are done, they talk behind you or just leave you alone. It hurts because I've been going through this for years and I'm tired. I'm tired of being make used of. I ask for simple things and instead, they make up excuses on how they can't help me. It's always the same and even the ones I believe who are close to me does the same. I get hurt numerous times but I chose to ignore it, I don't go back down the history and remind them of all the things I've done. I did it out of kindness because I believe that I will get them in return. Yet, I'm even starting to believe that karma doesn't exist for the goods but exist only for the bad things you've done.
Silent Valentine
There was a time where a girl would dream of celebrating it with someone special to her. For the past years, her world was always her flying solo. Although every year on the February 14th, she would try to mend her heart at the thought she was alone and she doesn't care. Usually, this time of the year meant nothing to her. Somehow the ache this year was different from the past. Her heart aches more than it did before, especially when she knew her heart belong to somebody, and this time, she knew it was different. She realise how her heart aches when he talks about other girls, when he told her that spending time with her was a waste of time, and things that initiated that he didn't care a single strand of hair about her.
Most of the time she would keep the memories she had spend with him in a box in her closed mind. The day he had brought smiles to her face. The days when even the simplest thing was a big deal to her.
Tonight she will sit alone in her room and she knew that nothing would happen. A few minutes till the clock struck twelve before it enters February 15th, she sat in the cold solitude. Her heart aches and she chose to cry holding the necklace in her hand. Smiling and crying altogether.
- I really need to work out on my writing I honestly have lost touch with my inner thoughts.
The Wind That Blew My Soul Away
Dear bloggers, have you ever felt that your life was meaningless, maybe the thought that you don't have any purpose going on with, in your life? Sometimes you feel like you're a walking zombie that your own mind is not really seeping into the whole situation around you. There are also days you wonder whether the pain you feel inside will ever fade away. Maybe there are days you wonder how you got used to the pain that was lingering around and how you wish you could find the answer to the questions from where the pain came from? Does the pain on the surface hurts more than the pain inside? Can you give me an answer to that, because I can't figure them out till this day.
It seemed like everybody cared but they don't show that they care enough to just help me. Sympathy or questions doesn't help and definitely sarcasm or insult isn't going to help. In fact it even hurts more than the pain that already exist in the inside. Words may hurt more than you think, but your actions hurts worst than you ever thought possible. So when you talk about the things that I don't want to hear at the time, you're just pushing me away. I couldn't really speak it out loud to you that I refuse to hear whatever is there you wish to say, but I will run away or just tell you straight that I'm tired and walkaway. I will walkaway with the pain that you've just add with the pain that already exist.
In this lazy evening, as I sat here across the window facing the lake, I can feel the wind that blew my soul away. It had weakened this past few days but now it seems like it's lost. Burdening the pain that I've carried and wonder if there is a way out of this. There are tears that wish to fall now, but I got used to controlling it that I couldn't really feel anything. There is this undefined feeling in me that I am not sure of anymore. Slightly afraid, lost, sad, and confuse altogether.
Say All I Need
After all of the hardwork and pleading letters along with thousand of tears being shed, I finally manage to settle myself down in a room. The room is on the 3rd floor of the block next to my previous block. I gotta admit, I complained at first but the view from up here, gives me a lot to think about. I finally had some inspiration to write. Apart from that, I am happy enough that the view of my window is facing the soft serene lake.
It has only been the 4th week but I'm surprise by my determination to live day by day. Heartbroken, shattered past, undefined future and the current rumours of my being spread around isn't exactly helping. I'm not sure how, but I gotta find a way to come out. I have to stop being scared of talking to others. I must shed away this shyness or this fear of making friends with people. I am scared but, I honestly think that I would be better if I didn't fear the crowd or people so badly. I guess now that I think about it, those fear began to arise when so many had hurt me overtime. So the fear began to build itself, and I began to have a wall that surrounds me that not many are able to penetrate.
Do you think I am able to make it? Can I finish my studies and place myself on the Dean's List every semester?? Am I able to make it through the next 4 semester? Honestly I don't know, but I'll keep you updated. For now love you all and may god bless you. Have a fun day today. ^,^
In So Many States
I would be writing from all my thoughts and still I don't think I said all that I would. There are so many grey parts in my life and I no longer understand where do I stand. I would write the story of my life starting University and all but it would be really funny. Things are just so confusing and so stupid in my opinion. I'm trying my best to understand people and myself and at the end of the day I find myself at verge of sanity. It seems so simple back then, but how did things got so complicated? How did relationships got so complicated with the opposite gender? How did things got so complicated to stay or be accepted in a group? How? I push people away because I don't want to get hurt. I push people away when I find that I'm being misused. All and all, things just doesn't seem to provide me with any kind of understanding with this world. Balancing everything and all. It's so hard.. really hard..
My 2011 Most Anticipated Movie.
Apart from Twilight being one of the movie that I waited for months to watch, I now have one more movie that I can't wait to watch. Therefore, I want to share this with you, hoping you would like it. It's called Beastly base on a novel by Alex Flinn. It is actually a modernise movie of Beauty and the Beast. Enjoy watching the trailer.
Tonight
The cold breeze tonight brings back old memories to my mind. However, it remains to be just a memory and nothing more than that. There's a reason why they turn into memories because, it's something that should never be repeated and to be remembered because it was all in the past. The reflection of the light against the lake brings some sadness into my heart because I wish I could experience them once more, but everything is gone, the feelings are long gone. Banished into the deep heart of mine and never will I open that door again. Especially not for the people who have hurt me the most in the past.
It's amazing how things change so fast. Just a few months ago, I was here as the girl who was venturing and learning the new world. Somehow, I never knew that things was going to end up this way, hence I choose to find a way to understand myself first before others. While others whisper behind my back, I will sit still in my seat and find other things to do. While they talk among themselves isolating me in the room, I will find a way to survive on my own. It is like living on my own again. Like the time I took one whole week just to find myself. This is almost the same way but I'm surviving, so far. ^,^.
No Stars
Overall, I ran away today, my idea of spending the evening with myself just reading a book by the lake was wiped away when I accidently overslept. I didn't really want to hang around people because I was scared of all the drama repeating themselves again. I'm not sure whether I'm ready to face all the drama again. Plus I've been avoiding the guy I used to have a crush on now quite a lot. I no longer care much about him.
However, something interesting had happen tonight, the place I'm staying for awhile is experiencing some black out tonight and everybody seems to be having so much fun with. ^,^ It's so funny to see them. My friends are all making fun and jokes with the situation. Than again I wonder how long would we be in this situation. My friend seems to feel quite sad with the situation we're facing. I on the other hand find it quite funny. I feel like I want to write more but somehow the inspiration just flew away when I finally had the time face my laptop.
For now, I'm going off.
New Year, New Me, but I'm Not Sure If It's Right.
I apologise for not updating my blog on new year. I wish I could but I was too busy with my college and getting everything ready that I didn't even celebrate new year. This year's new year was sad but maybe it could've gone worst. I was busy packing and trying to resolve everything that I overlook the hours that pass by that night. When I finally finished packing my bag, I realise that it was already three o'clock in the morning. So, I did something to make myself feel good, I read the manga my cousin had lend to me. I spend an hour reading the whole manga and than went to bed.
Today, 2 days after new year, I started my class for second semester. I was quiet as always and nobody really did acknowledge me. I tried joining a group but I guess things never change because I soon felt like I was left alone again in a group that seemed so happy with their own crowd. I on the other hand, sat at the corner of the room entertaining myself alone. Kindda sad but I'm amaze that I wasn't trying so hard as to be accepted. Hence, I am back to square one. I'm going off now to enjoy my evening alone reading a book by the lake. Happy New Year and may you have a great 2011 !!!
