My Innocence and Seeking My Younger Self

Honestly, life hasn't been going easy on me. I have so many to tell yet, whenever I am in front of my laptop trying to write it out, everything just disappear. I've never realise how I miss being the old me. I am well known of being blur, spacing out, a loner, unpopular, I don't have many friends and maybe in some circle of people they see me as a looser. People backstab me which is normal and make up stories about me. Some find it interesting that I can stay patient for a long time but when I've reach the point of no return I began to rebel and give them back for what they deserve. That happens rarely, which is not good actually. I don't commit myself in things and I guess over time, I began to be a person who is very reserve about herself. I don't mix much but not for the reasons that I used to have, but now for the reasons that I fear of stepping into that light where it's a scary world. You can't really trust people and you can''t really find a true friend. So most times I have friends but I hold back some things about me. I dare not tell them the truth of what I feel or what I'm facing. Possibly because I wonder if their reasons for doing that was not actually to help me but to sell it out, make use of my problems or secrets and many more things. I began to fear for so many things and I no longer know how to trust a person. There's always this wall that I hid myself in and it has been building itself from time to time.

I also have this habit of trying or forcing myself to make friends. Though many have been friends of mine, I rarely feel that I can be the real me or be comfortable around them. So I end up hiding the real me and try to be like them which is quite pathetic of me. I also have this habit where I feel an attraction to become closer or be friends with some people. But that comes rarely, yet when it comes, I feel this sudden warmth and you're comfortable with them whenever you see them. It's like you know they are going to be a good friend. Speaking of that I also make better friends with elderly people. -,- . Sadly yes, I'm not sure the reason behind that. I can get along with people my age, but I feel more comfortable among older people. I love to see the way they talk and the way they laugh over things. They are cute, even though they are old. Like my grandmother, she may be old but there are things about her that makes her look cute in her own way. Sometimes she cracks me up, and sometimes seeing her resemblance in my mum just makes me feel comfortable. I know I'm not making any sense but, interestingly it's really hard to explain.

There is also this one old man that I find him very nice. He works in a pet shop or own the pet shop nearby my old school. I own two cats, so whenever we ran out of cat food I often stop by there after school to buy cat food for my cats. I never really thought he would remember me, since sometimes I see his wife instead of him in the shop. They are a very nice couple. However, when my sister started working in a new company, she began buying the food for the cats as she got it cheaper. Apart from that I finished school and now I am further studying in another state. Hence, I no longer come by the shop as often as I did in the past. However, when I have time, I would visit the shop and buy something there, just to visit. He always seem to remember me and we would end up having short conversations as I browse around the shop. He looks very fatherly, and his very nice. I guess that's why I still come by the shop everytime I got the chance too. It felt good to be remembered and also it felt nice visiting the shop every single time. He also used to give me discounts back when I was regular customer who visit his shop often. I also feel like a kid whenever I shop in that shop. ^,^

Lastly, I manage to seek my old much more innocent self when I started reading manga again. I realise how much my character was related to the character in the manga in the older days. It's interesting and yet sad, because I miss being that girl. I still am sometimes. Sometimes, there are jokes that I don't get. I space out often and I also get made fun of because I catch things slower than others. It's annoying at times but I guess that's just me. I've improve better in getting all the jokes but I miss the old me.

Alright I think I'm going off to bed soon. Feeling kindda tired and I have a long day tomorrow. I guess that's why my writing hasn't been going too good.. I'm a little off a bit. Good night world. May god bless you and have a happy last day before new year ^,^.

Some Say They Are Unlucky But Stare at Yourself be Grateful

Growing Up

One day there was a girl who thought the problem she had in high school was too much to handle and she thought she ought to think as an adult to survive. She thought she was mature enough at the moment but it seems that was just the beginner level of taking the step into what I call pre-adulthood. Being an adult does not allow you to make decisions base on your feelings, emotions and heart. As an adult you act and decide only with your mind but not with your heart, you may think with your heart only when you are with yourself but not when it concern someone else. She did that mistake once when she followed her heart instead of her mind. She was not focus at one point and she realised that now. She had realise that she was immature and that things was not like it was when it was in high school. Little things does not matter in life and she was ready to venture into the world of her career. To make it successful as she can. No more diversion and no more being foolish over something. She realise what was more important, she realise that she is not ready for things like this. She realise that she has a long way and that she will think about it in the future when the time comes but not this time.
Apart from that, she may realise the mistake she has made in the past but at the end of the day she is human and she learns from mistake. She learn that people may talk about her, but she knows herself better. There are many who would make tales and sell them to others. At the end of the day it hurt likes hell but it's a part of growing up. However, she wished that things were different for once, for once maybe she was on the other side and not where she is right now. But than again, maybe this would be a god send lesson or message or practice for her. Besides, the moon can't be seen in the day and the sun may not appear during the night. It's just the way the world goes round. Whatever it is, we make do with the things we have and somehow everybody plays a part in everybody's life but remember one thing, you are the main character in your life because it's your own story line. So some bad things may be the spices or epic climax in your life before it settle down. Somehow, what she had wish for before this turns out to not go out the way she wanted. Things always gets complicated along the way and you began to realise that nothing goes the way you wanted.
I can't give you any advice that would help people who goes through the same thing this girl had. That is because I haven't found the best advice or solution to them. All you can do is that, people might talk and you might not like or feel happy about them but at the end of the day, you may look at yourself in the mirror and ask that person you see looking at you. Is it true what others have been talking to her, and if you know that it isn't you may smile and laugh it off. Laugh at the thought at how people can make up things even when they have never sat and had a cup of coffee or chat with you. So, who gives them the right for them to judge you and know who you really are without a legitimate evidence to who you really are when you don't know that person. So, be strong, look up straight and wear a face that shows your not guilty when you know that you aren't. One thing for sure, you may know who you are and wear a poker face but your heart knows your lying. At the end of the day it will kill you. So take a step by step level. Nothing comes easy. I know, and trust me when I say this. It takes time for you to digest everything and settle things out after shutting yourself out for almost a week now.

That's all I have to give you tonight. Hope you like my post and wish you the best in life. You'll soon know, signing out now !

Shadowed.

My attempt to stay silent for a week is done. Well I didn't really keep to myself, I did have some friends who was here for me. Friday was fun, I laughed and I never felt so free to be myself. Nobody could judge me and I didn't feel the need to keep myself constantly on guard. Those two who made me laugh so bad was Nadee and Hud. Yes, they deserve to be mention on my blog. I have never smiled and laugh so much since high school. I couldn't careless about the people around me who who was looking at us and wondering whether we are nuisance or not. I found a part of myself today. What goes around comes around but I couldn't really have that trust towards people nowadays. I shadowed that part of me now. I can no longer have that trust in people or just put myself out there again. Being a private person maybe will have it's perks. But I got my head pretty clear this week, especially on my main attention in life. No more looking back or wasting my time. I am going to focus on my studies and just keep to myself. Yes, keep to myself.

Third Day Attempt./ All Over

Today was amazingly interesting. I learn more and more on taking time by sailing solo. It took me awhile to realise that I was forgetting my intentions. Slightly tired by all the drama, I choose to fly solo and not get hurt. I spend the whole day with my niece and nephew and I realise they meant more to me than any outsider. I was happy to choose them over others. I was finally getting my head straight. Though there are fear in my heart to the outcome of this Saturday when I finally let myself out again. I know some might go against me and there some who don't bother at all. Whatever it is, that moment would be the time I will decide what my intentions gonna be, the answer to all I've been facing.
It is vital that in a writers mind, they must explore every aspects of the world. You must test yourself, explore your imagination, try something new and write the all the things that goes through your mind. It's amazing sometime how we read through our old posts and past writings. It makes you wonder who you were at the moment. I guess that's why I'm doing this, I'm writing on my blog base on my experience on trying to shut myself from many people or limited people in my life. See how everything goes and take the chance when you have it. It's amazing that when you think about it you actually survive quite well than you thought you ever will. For me, I'm surprise that I haven't had the chance to cry on the outside. However, I'm not sure if the ache inside is still there. Probably, the reason why I've been avoiding things, denying my thoughts or my feelings. It used to be comfortable being in that situation but I guess after awhile, I got tired or maybe the scar has grown deeper from where it first started. Maybe, that was the last straw for me.
I know I'm not making any sense, the idea is actually all over in my head. I hope you just stick with it. Enjoy your day tomorrow. Goodnight and Take care all you readers and bloggers.

2nd Day Attempt/ Stay

Hey all you bloggers, so second day attempt wasn't so good. I eat 2 plates of spaghetti and watching The Holiday and He's Just Not That Into You. I still haven't turn on my 2n number phone, and it seems like all this movie I'm watching is like hitting me below the belt. However, I manage to practice and I manage to spend more time with my mother. Reluctant as I am to start my classes, I don't mind studying without thinking.

Here's a story I've been playing in my mind;

The sweet smell of your coat made me miss you. My heart aches as I left them to be in the corner of the room. When you came to pack your bags, I cry, hoping you wouldn't go. The kitchen was in a mess, and the stairs seemed so fragile. If I could relive the memory, I wouldn't go through it again. I wish you would stop and stay, silent yourself and let the music play in the background. Hoping you would take my hand and dance with me like it was our first date. Yet, I knew the glass is shattered and even if I tried to paste them back together, there's the crack that will always remain there. That I know, will never disappear and that would mean we are living in-denial.
My fingers was sliding by the walls against the stairs. As I glide to the ground floor, I saw you there, crying on the couch of the living room. Sober for once, after weeks of being drunk. There was a frame with a picture of me on the floor, the glass was already cracked across my lips that smiled in the picture. He stood from where he sat and grab the frame from the floor. I was invisible to him, he was walking pass me without hesitation. A mirror that hang close to the living room looked solemn, no longer cheerful as it was before. I stand before it and I could see myself, as he stood behind me almost looking at me. Yet deep inside I knew he was not.
The house seems like it's about to crumble. The stairs seems like it's old and as if it's been awhile seems anybody had use it. Hours turn to days, and days turn to weeks, finally three months later, I realise I was fading from where I have been living. The pictures on the wall are gone, and the mirror that used to hang so beautifully is now across the floor. Shattered into pieces like the memories we've had. You walked away on me once and now you're doing it for the second time.
I close my eyes and I had travel into a room that was white with a single bed, where a woman looking so fragile lay. Her hair was Brunette in colour and her lashes curled beautifully. She was pail and she looked so sad and calm at the same time. On the side table, had a vase of Iris flowers that was blooming beautifully. A man entered the room with a single pink rose in his hand. I knew him from somewhere, somewhere at the back of my memory. Slowly, I've begun to forget my past memories, as if the more I try to remember, the more I had erase them. He sat there looking at me as if wishing for something. He place the flower on my right hand, instead of putting them with the rest of the flowers. He touched my fingers softly, touching the ring that was on her finger that seemed like she never took off, as the marks that was left there was an evidence. As he held her hand in his, I realise he wore the exact same ring on the exact same finger and hand as hers. I was confuse by the image I see. There's a tug in my heart that disturbs me.
Slowly I was fading slowly, as the woman on the bed breathe slower that usual. I heard a whisper coming from where the man who held her hand tightly. " I'm sorry that all I did was hurt you." and her heartbeat fade by the second until it was gone. It felt like my heart died inside, like it cry for only reasons that god knows. I realise that all I had to do was leave. As I made my way to the door, I heard a soft whisper " I love you." and I turn around only to relive all the memories. Everything made sense to me, the woman on the bed was all along me, and the man that was holding my hand was that man who had hurt me so bad nine years ago. Those were the words I've waited all this time, and now I that I've heard it I cry inside but I smile on the surface. I whispered a thank you to his right ear and touch his right hand. He felt confuse for awhile and I left the white room and took a last look at the flower that was in my hand.

Inspired by Miley Cyrus - Stay ( One of the many songs that I listen to. )

The Dark Silent Night

Occasionally, I could see a car drive by across the street of my house. I switched on the festive light hoping to add some light into my life. There were not many stars tonight and no moon that shine so brightly as the days before this. As I sit at my brother's balcony, I began to wander around in my own thoughts in search for an inspiration to write something.
The willow tree seems sad tonight or maybe it's only in my own mind and imagination. Soft wind that blew tonight, seems so delicate against my skin, yet I didn't feel the slightest bit comfort by it. Street lights was already switched on, however I'm surprise that I've never really notice them before. I realise that I have not been noticing the little things in my life as I used to before this. Always too absorb in making them happy, making them please, I overlook the things that used to make me happy in the past. That hold me to the ground that brought smiles in my own thoughts and made me want to chase my dream. Not even for a split second that I overlook the things that I would like to achieve in the future till 5 months ago.
We are always in search of people who care about us, yet we forgot one part of that, the person who care about us the most is either your family or yourself. There's a tug in my heart that wonder, if the things we do for others would be return back. Some say it's Karma, I call it fate. I used to be a Karma believer, yet I rarely seem the things I did for others being return back to me. Hence, I've become cold over the months, I would like to blame them for these things, but they contributed to it but the decision remains to be mine. So I stare tonight into the dark silent night hoping to witness a shooting star. My one and only wish is to achieve that dream, that plan I had created about 3 years ago in my life. I will be happy, and I intend to make that happen. Have hope and have a wish.
"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away."
-Raymond Hull

My First Attempt

Okay, so today would be my first day in attempt to know how to move alone with no friends or family and I have discovered something about me, I'm a total clutz. Honestly I hit things, I'm blur, and I'm also afraid of new things. Which is very bad, yet, very refreshing in my opinion. I like to do something that is different from my normal life routine. Yet, sometimes this new things always makes me nervous that leads to my hand being very shaky and my voice startle most of the time.
I'm guessing you must be wondering where I am right now. Well guess what? I am at a small deli called the Tea Shop Deli, I think. Enjoying myself a small plate of carrot cake and a glass of Ice Lemon Tea. I'm getting a hand of it, slowly. One thing I manage to discover is that, I think it's safer to be alone. It makes you feel selfish for once or just get the day off to see you as who you are and please yourself instead of others. Don't go following people's back or let people make you do what you don't want to do. Plus, I think I know how to handle myself once I get my heart broken from a relationship. Don't worry I was not in a relationship, but honestly it felt like one because of the way he treated me. I'm surprise we even remain friends after our last big fight back in August. I think he was the only guy who ever made me cry so freaking bad, but I had to stay strong and learn to grow up. Getting you heart broken is just one of the challenges in life we have to go through.
Plus, I realise that not many friends are really there for you, honestly none of them are there for you when you needed them the most. They don't bother to return calls, or even have the courtesy to text you back even though they are aware that you are in need of a help or a shoulder to cry on. I guess I've had enough and that is why I am giving myself 5 days probation to live alone and update all you readers out there on how I go about 5 days in a row alone. No friends and did I tell you that I deactivated my facebook account? Yes I did, and I refuse to sign on to my messenger or turn on my other cell phone with the number that many always contacted me. This week is all about me focusing only on myself and not on others.
That's enough on me blabbing about my whole life sucks and trying to find recognition and holding my composure around people. So this little deli that I'm sitting at seems to sell a nice carrot cake that after awhile would make you want more. As always my favorite drink to most shops would either be Ice Lemon Tea or Honeydew juice so I have no complains on the Honeydew juice. Actually these place seems to have more adult here, by meanings of adult I mean to put in a polite way is my mum's age. But sometimes I enjoy being around them, they have this kind of place they pick where it just calms your mind even when you are depress. Right now there's currently a table filled with them outside the cafe. They seem to be enjoying themselves among their friends and a part of me wanted to know if I would experience that. Than again I was hoping to have a friend like Taylor Swift who was there for Selena Gomez bearing snacks and singing to heartbreaking songs all night. Yet it didn't happen. So tell me? Am I pathetic? Don't answer that you will only make me feel even more pathetic. Alright I think I better finish the remaining cake I have here and my Ice Lemon Tea. Talk to you soon. I'll update you on my next post.. on being alone. Have a nice day all you bloggers. Take care !

Is it Ever Gonna Be Enough

As I sit here in my room, running away from all that I feel and drowning myself in tears, I couldn't really grasp fully my thoughts and my emotions. I feel so betrayed, so confuse, so cheated, so stupid and so foolish. As an adult, I learn from my mistakes, and I get by it by myself, I may cry, I may run away but I will move on. I will not my let heart break over and over again. Yet there is one thing, one thing I would like to know, if I ever I leave this world, would you regret? Would you cry? Would you even in the slightest way have an emotion running through you? I know the answer would be no, and I guess I have to run away.. Run as far away as I can and never come back. Never walk the same road, and never make the same mistakes. Sometimes, this are the things you realise you're better off alone. Now that I think about it, I enjoy being alone, just away from everybody, away from the public eyes and friends and family, and stop letting them judge you, say things about you and just see yourself only for yourself.
When I see the eyes that were watching mine in the mirror, I wanted to ask her if she was alright, would she be alright in hope she could answer them on my behalf, giving me hope. Hence, this one week would be my week alone, I'm shutting myself out for awhile and start venturing myself into this new world alone. So maybe, you will see my post being written from some place other than my room or the common places you'll know where to find me. At the end of the week I would like to ask myself, " Is it ever gonna be enough?" because I don't know whether what I've been through was enough to make me stop one vein in my body.

I Wish I Can Freeze Time

For the past few days, I've been laughing and smiling almost 24 hours per day. It came to a point that my cheeks hurts so bad. But in that moment that I share my laughter with my family or my friends, I didn't trust the moment. I didn't believe that it was real, happening to me. Not a second later, the feeling of sadness would overpower me and I try my best to hold the tears in. Sometimes I feel like I was isolated though I felt involved at the same. It was like I was an adopted child who belong to a family yet you know you don't belong to them. I wanted to freeze the time, rewind and play it over and over again. I guess that's why sometimes I laugh all of a sudden in the silence and in the absence of my thoughts in the present. It is because, I play the memories over and over again in my head. I would smile alone and sometimes let out a small giggle when I think of something that was funny. I wanted that moment to last forever, and I know deep inside that moment would pass, and I would drown again and again. I wanted to tell somebody but my heart has close it's gate when I accidently stop trusting people, stop letting my guard down. I would think twice about everything, and the ache in my heart hurts deeper. It is as if, it's swollen from coping all the feelings inside and turning itself into a cold and dark heart, that is filled with despair. I wanted to feel something, I'm tired of feeling lost and isolated.

Ache in The Night

She waited for days, worried and curious, she finally contacted him through via short messages service. She waited patiently as she was keen on at least knowing he would acknowledge her. Half an hour pass and there were no signs of him. Silently she cry in her sleep. She can't help but to cry her heart out at night. She couldn't understand her complicated and foolish heart, that keeps telling her lies at night and in the day. Nobody has ever made her cry so easily, but he manage to do that. Why is that? Is it because she enjoys being hurt or was it more than that. This wasn't the first time that it has happen to her but somehow no matter how she tries to speak like there's nothing wrong with her, she knows the choke and the tears that fall speaks the truth. There was once she smile and speak of him like there's nothing wrong, but her voice choked midway and though she tried to smile with her eyes, the tears still fell.
The tears didn't help her, as the person who would wipe them away was him and a pat her head once she's done crying. When her feet felt chilly, he would hold them to warm them up. When she felt sleepy, he would lend his shoulder to her. When she felt lonely at night, he would be the one to stay up talking to her till she fell sleepy. For each memory, was like a bullet being loaded into the gun and shot through her heart with not hesitation. She felt the urge to hang herself at the moment, she had thought about them so many times but was too scared to do it. After crying so hard she finally fell asleep, oblivious of her surroundings and the world that surround her.

I cry

The story goes along the thin line of hope and fear. In the dark of night where only the moon is the only light we see when the stars hid behind the dark clouds. She faces the lake as her heart drown slowly in regrets and despair. Wear her heart out on the sleeves yet obscured by her own feelings sometime. There are days she seems so sure, while there are also days she felt the stab of pain through her heart that she couldn't make up any excuses for what she felt. Every tear that came down her cheeks form memories that she wished to relive over and over again everyday. Even if it kills hers after that, at least she could smile alone for awhile and laugh a little or let her heart jump even for a second as the memory played in her mind. Things was perfect when they wanted to be, and when it wasn't she wanted to run and never stop. Running was one thing she wish she could do, but her mother had thought her to face challenges in order to move forward and not backwards.
Every season, as the leaves changed, and as the weather turned cold, so did her heart. With every passing season her heart was rebelious, and she no longer cry as she used to. She was stronger but she can't deny she still feels the stab everytime an object, a weather, or a place reminds her of him. She was now walking pass the ice-cream truck; instantly the memory of him buying her an ice-cream strike her mind. There was a time where there was a carnival, it wasn't part of their plan but they did it out of fun. She was teasing him about buying her an ice-cream once, with no complains he asked the girl for a cone of ice-cream and paid for them for her.

- A draft, I didn't know how to continue on... lol

Night of Lights

It was a crazy last minute idea that came to our minds during study week. We were all suppose to be studying but unfortunately, knowing young minds and between pleasure and priority, we tend to choose pleasure. So we all decided to just checked out the city of lights near my place. It was a dream world, like fun fair and also partly maybe a dream. We took some pictures as memories of our time there. The sweet memory that will forever live in my mind with my 3 close friends. Here are some pictures to give you an outlook of how we spend our time there.

In Love So Deep

I wish sometimes that, there are ways, the images and clips than runs through my head can be downloaded into this laptop and create a movie from it. Honestly, I'm getting all this creative ideas in my head and I wish you can watch it but unfortunately I can only write it to you.

I woke up that first morning from the knock on my room. I crept out of the comfortable bed to checked who was it. The first person and also the last person I wish to see in the morning. There he was smiling at me, that smile that I used to struggle to see him wear them, but recently, I see more and more of it. With my morning voice I asked him of his reason to bug my sleep at ten o'clock in the morning. All he could answer was," it's almost afternoon and you should wake up soon" , at the same time he pushed my forehead with his finger, a soft push that made me pout my lips and mumbling about him destroying my dream. The dream was an absolute perfect dream since it involved Johnny Depp. All he could do was let out a small laugh and smiled at me. There was a rush that ran through my veins, and for awhile I thought I had blushed in front of him.

- Also a draft...

Searching For A Story

I've travelled to so many places and search for something that was worth writing. Hence I'm trying my luck at my grandma's house and see whether I can find a story that will spark the hope out of me again. Maybe a simple thing like the sound of my grandmother walking in the morning or maybe the smell of sweet grass. All I know, I need to write something that has been missing from me in awhile for so long.
There are times or should I say rare weird times that my head just talks to me( in a good way ) about simple stuff, like the passing trees as we drove to my grandma's or maybe the journey itself, the shape of the cloud and the little memories you go through when you were small. Example, on the way to my grandma's, we have to pass a lot, full of tractors, and when I was small I used to say that all of those tractors belongs to my brother. That was because he owned one, the toy version of course when we were small and I destroyed it ( I was five by the way ) and my mum would agree with me. Though now, it's obvious my brother doesn't own all the tractors that was there. Than there were also little temples along the road that we see every single time we came to visit our grandma, but our aunts and mother never really called them temple, hence, they say the dwarfs live there so we won't ask many questions. The temple was and still is cute and pretty till this day. We still talk of it till this day and laugh out of our stupidity. One last thought that always goes through my mind would be a little secret that nobody knew. When I was little, I would sit on my mum's lap or sometime lay and look out the window. I would always see clouds looking like elephants, horses, the waves and so many other things and make up stories from all those creatures that I see in the clouds. It was fun and till this day I still do that on rare occasions.
I guess if my younger self could see me now, she would freak out. I'm nothing to what I expected to be when I was young. Yet I know, after awhile of digesting all the thoughts and accepting the fact she would be this person she is now, she would not change a thing. I was that little girl who was oblivious and ignorant towards the world ( still is according to some *sigh* ) and after going through some phases, I am still learning. I guess that's why, when my friend asked me, if there was one day I could relive again in the past, one mistake that I could take back, would I ? and Which day would that be? I told her, I wouldn't, because if I didn't do all of those mistakes, I won't be this girl I am today. I make mistakes because I'm a normal human being and that's my saving grace. Human beings are not perfect but I am perfect at being a normal human being. I am perfect at being myself and not others. You are perfect at being yourself and not others.

Cry, Pain, but Soon I'll See, Maybe...

The clouds are hovering around the moon so close that I can barely breathe. There may be days that the moon needs the clouds to make it feel warm, but too much of it just spoils the whole thing. In certain pictures, the moon may feel flattered with the presence of the clouds, and that every other stars are envious of the beautiful moon. So they shine so bright in hope to bring the moon down, for being so big, so round, and full of flaws. Yet many don't see in the silence of the moon, it's glow is the reason the stars can be seen at night. It's glow is the reason we watch the sky in the night.
I lay awake at night, thinking of the mistakes that I may have made in the past. Maybe I have, but I am human and that's my saving grace. I'm not perfect. But I try to move forward, I try to learn from my mistakes. I did everything within my ability to do great things in life. To make my life a nice one to live in. But as I pass through the days, slowly I realise that nothings no different. People don't try so why am I trying.
Let me cry in the darkness that I've hidden my other soul all this while. Let me place myself in that state of definition that is undefined in my own world. Let them seek me and learn that living a life is hard and having to seek the balance has been harder as you grow older. You can't satisfy anybody and at some points you hurt others for your safety or because to save yourself. Judge me all you want by how I write, but before that, do me a favor and tell me that the reasons I am scared of being around people is just because I am scared to know that the truth about that person, or maybe to get scared with that person.

Anger

Have you felt the anger that burns in your heart so badly that you scream inside. Even in the passing time of seconds, that anger just builds up inside of you that you can't dismiss easily. These couple of days, I have felt being used over and over again by the people around me and it hurts just to sit there and speak of nothing. I hate it that I give in to people so easily, to the person I love so easily and care so easily. It's like back when I was in primary school, it's like they want to be friends with me for money sake. The know I would feel sorry for them and give way. I hate it so much.. At the end of the day I feel angry towards myself for not restricting myself from saying yes or say it's okay I'll help. I hate it hate it.

The Pain Would Fade

On one dark night, I'll stand by your side when you need me. In that moment you'll see that the world isn't so dark as it seems. I'll take your hand show you the light but I can't bring you there. Only you can do that for yourself. Although it hurts just to stand here and think back of all the memories we've had, it was nice while it lasted. Those are the reasons I'm still standing here, to repay all the nice things you've done for me. To not destroy this friendship we have, and make the best of the moments we had and still have. So know something, when you're sitting along by the lake, I'm going to stand by there and watch you. When you lie alone at night thinking about life, know that I'm there if you need me. I'm no angel but I'll be your guardian and friend for this moment. I'm just a girl, I can't be a miracle. I can't be there before you everyday, every hour, every minute, and every second of the day, but I will always be there somewhere among the clouds, trees, water, and around you. Don't push me away, though it's hard for you to take me in, give it a chance and I'll be that girl you call friend.

I'll give you this song :
Savage Garden - Crash and Burn : )

A Pink Rose

She knew there was no hope when she found out about the love of his life. It seems the girl he met years ago was the one and she was willing to let go for his sake of happiness and for hers too. When the wind blows she smiled, as she knows that this thing she was doing was the right thing. She enjoyed every moment she had spend with him, those memories that they've shared. A few weeks ago, she might be crying on the bed thinking he lied every time with his actions. She might think that he was the most manipulative man she ever met that hurt her. Yet now, she's taking things simple and just enjoy every moment that was beautiful between the two of them.
On one saturday night as they were traveling back on a bus she fell asleep on that boy's shoulder. He didn't even push her away neither did he froze in his position. Instead when the bus stopped he quickly place two of his fingers against her forehead gently avoiding her head from falling from his shoulder. He had also paid for her ticket on the bus while she was sound asleep. Mid way, he place his head on her head and fell asleep, they remain in that position until they reach their destination.
Once they reach the destination, they walked back to their blocks, but on the way, they saw a carnival that has been there for almost a week. An idea came to both their minds and decided to check the carnival out. He bought her an ice-cream, and 5 different types of sausages. The sausages was him trying to be sarcastic with her, but she just ignore him. It seemed that every single thing that he tried to make her mad or annoyed, doesn't seem to affect her. All she did was change the subject or ignore him. It's no wonder sometimes how people mistook their friendship. Yet she knows deep inside that things won't go far with him and she's fine with that. In fact she's happy with it.
She accompanied him for dinner and they looked even more than just two normal friends after he fed her the sausage. After that, they made their way back to their blocks. As they were walking, the wind was blowing heavily, the leaves was falling from the tree and the lake was beautiful against the street light reflection. They were just joking around, until it drizzled. Soon the the drizzled turned into rain and it got heavier by the minute. However, they were enjoying themselves playing under the rain that they didn't bother running back to their block. Her hair was wet and so was his, they smiled, laugh and push each other. He tried to scare her by taking the short cut to his block, until she looked at him surprise with her puppy eyes and complained about him being a bad friend. When he saw that, he smiled then laughed and accompanied her back to her block.
The next day they didn't talk as he was busy with his dinner and she was busy with her own events that night. It was near midnight when she reached her room after the event she had attended. She took some pictures with her friends and went straight to shower after they were done. While she was enjoying her cold shower going through her memories that she had for the last few days, she closed her eyes, happy with just thinking about it. While she was in the shower, the boy had called her twice but she was not there to answer. In the end he had called her friend asking where she was and asked if it's possible for any of her friends to take something that he wanted to give her from him.
She came to the room to find 2 miss calls from him and her friend informing her that he is on his way to give her something. With her hair dripping wet and cold from the shower, she search for her clothes. As she was wearing her pants, he called her. He was close to her block and told her come out. By that time it was past 12.00 o'clock. Instantly she wore her shirt, combed her hair, and went straight outside.

He was about to sit but changed his mind and stood up when he saw her. She told him that he couldn't stay long, afraid of what the guards and people might think of a boy and girl seeing each other at night. She walked closer to him and he handed her a pink rose. Half surprise by his actions, she still took the rose from him and smiled. She had never in her life received a flower from a boy and he was the first to give her one. Flattered by his thoughts of giving her the rose he had received from his dinner, she only manage to say thank you and that he had to go before anyone sees.
She smiled a happy smile and made her way to her room smiling. As she cut the rose's end and place it in water bottle that was filled with water she wonders in her own thoughts. Why would he give her the rose? Why didn't he give it to somebody else? Why was it that he didn't give it to his date that he went with? All the questions was there and the answers was in the air when all her friends told her that he had feelings for her. Yet she told them they were mad and that he was never in loved with her as she was sure who he was in love with.

She woke up in the morning to see the rose by the window and smiled. However, she doesn't know for how long will she do this and how long will it last?

The Lies You Drown Are Now Floating On The Surface.

"When you came to me with eyes in need and a shoulder to cry on. I was glad I was there though I know your heart belongs to someone else. Awhile ago I had moved on, not fully but mostly. I was still glad to be your friend and that was enough if I think maturely. However it seems you didn't grow up, and you didn't learn from your last mistakes. All the things you hid from me was all lies that are now floating on the surface where I can see and you don't know it. I hid the pain and pretended nothing was wrong because I have no right. Yet, I plead to you not to treat me the same way you used to. Take me as your friend and don't do more than that. Admit it to me that you belong to someone else, it might break my heart but it makes it easier for me. Stop telling me of your solo sad stories and the same old reasons why you won't move on. You did pretty well in your acting. Three girls all in one time, only one to be the official one. I'm sorry to tell you I won't be that girl. Stop giving me hope because I don't need them. I'm not hoping but I want you to learn from your mistakes. Maybe someday, maybe not from me, or maybe from some other girls that you've trick, when you see them with another man, don't look and hope that it was you. All this time you had your chances and you screw one by one of the chances. I'll give you a round of applause, and take a bow at your beautiful performance. You did excellent in all of them. You should know something before hand when you do that, it comes back to you someday in one way or the other. So I will smile and tell you what you need and at the end of the day it's up to you to choose. Thank you for letting me find out from others apart from you the truth you hid and the lies you tell me. I hope the other girls knows your sick plan. Plus I don't want to be around with someone who are not proud to admit who his girlfriends are in front of their friends. It seems god answered my prayers and protected me. Good luck."

I had this in my head through out the day and so I thought I should just write them down.. lol.. this characters are playing so well..

Am I Still Standing Here Because of Sympathy

I knew I loved you once, with all my heart. As season change and as you put a scar across my heart I began to move on slowly and painfully. Though we remain friends, the situation makes it harder. Whenever we meet I restrict myself from sitting beside you, and avoid eye contact. When you seek me because you felt comfortable, I felt the need to be there. The reasons used to be because I cared and because I was in love with you. That was until you hurt me a few days ago and I began to numb my feelings for you. When I see you I knew that part of my heart still loved you but another reason is because I think I'm here because I felt sympathy. I feel the need to be there for you because you needed someone to be there. When you asked me where I am and when you asked if I wanted to accompany you to eat? It felt wrong to decline the invitation because I didn't want to hurt you, make you sad or stress you. This sickness that you have requires you to control your emotions and I can't be there when you are stress or depress. I have to lead my life and I have to move on and I can't be there because being there for now means giving you a chance to think that I might just fall back into the same history. I'm giving you a chance to chase your girl because I know I'm not. In return I'm hoping that you would let me do the same. Let me move, let me take a chance with someone else, and you can lead your life with the girl you had loved for years.
Slowly I'm letting go and today I realise that I can be strong. I won't take back all my things just yet by I will soon, when I know you're ready, and when I'm ready. Thanks for the memories and making me realise that I shouldn't fall for any guys like you anymore.

A Girl With A Broken Heart

Letting go of your heart to love someone is like gambling it for auction and selling it to the devil. A girl I knew very well got her heart broken so badly this time that she began to wonder what actually is her feelings. Was it love, angry, revenge, jealousy or just plain foolish. At the end of it she sums it up into feeling a feeling called numb. A pure feeling of numbness that she cry and laugh random times of the day.
When she first started off with this guy, she was so sure of the stars and earth. She told herself that she wouldn't fall for this young man who was just going to end up hurting her like the guys in the past. However the heart always choose to be a fool. She began spending too much time with the young man. While he was trying to mend his broken heart she became the cure and tool to do it. He treated her with full affection that everybody around them mistook their relationship for something more while all the time they were good friends.
As long as she told herself that this was just another heart making a fool decision because she was lonely, she was holding it up well. At least until one day when she was running after her friend, he called her name. She turned her head to face him. He told her not to run because if she ran she would fall. All she manage to do was make up faces and laugh at him and didn't realise that he would just smile and shook his head. That's when everything she was holding up fell into the wrong places. The feeling was there and for days she remain denying them in her heart. She started forcing herself to stop any contact with him but her heart won her over most of the time.
When she finally admits that she had feelings for him, the world came crushing down and took her along. She didn't even get to enjoy the moment when she realise that everything he had done was pure lies and fake actions. The thoughts and memories of him kills her as she replay the memory. Her tears came crumbling down as she collapse herself on the bed. The memories she kept playing in her head that used to give her hope and brought smiles to her face now brings tears and pierce her heart as if every one of it was a sharp knife stabbing her. The time he had given her the jacket when she was cold, when he placed her preferable drink in front of her, when he bought her the card holder because her's was ruined, when he pull her chair closer to him, when they spend hours talking, when he wore her gift and the "special" thing, when he held her cold feet just to warm it up, when he touched her face, when he place the place his cap on her, when he fed her the cheesecake, and so many more memories. Every memory kills her worst than what she had experience.
She later on found out the lies he told her. He was not truly honest in his words and that she was just a tool. He had told her that he would not be with another person till he seeks something in life that he was searching for. That was a few days ago and now his in a relationship with another girl which he had never talk about with her. She felt stupid in her own world of hope and she swore to never believe man's words.

Where do you find them?

When you feel lost in the world, where do you find the answers? Sometimes we wonder where the answer lies in or who holds them? Yet we fail to recognize the answers in the mistakes that we've made in the past. In a silent room that was filled with laughter and conversations, it is now silent with questions that lingers around unanswered. Some once asked me, "where do you find yourself when you've lost it?". I told them that I don't always find the answers. Instead, I found recognition behind the fine lines and mistakes in life. I would seek the old me and I would think that I did pretty well. I would go through my old lyrics, my forgotten posts, and my old diary entries. It is than I realize that I could go far, regardless of the obstacles.
Sometimes I find answers in the eyes of my loved once, in my hometown that I didn't knew I loved, and sometimes in the eyes of random strangers. Have you ever realize it before?

When I Love You, I Didn't Know if It Was True

If only things was different, if only you can take back the things you've done in the past. Would you? Would I? Would them? Would they? Would us? I can only answer the questions myself. Sometimes I do wish that it is best that we could turn back time and take back all the wrongs that I've done, yet sometimes, if no mistakes was made, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. I wouldn't be the same person I am this second. George Bernard Shaw once said " There are two tragedies in life, one is to loose your heart's desire and the other is to gain it." and I would say he is true. The heart's desire kills you most of the time. It places you in places that you would like to run away from. If you are reading this it's up to you. I can only say, I love you but I'm not sure anymore...

-something I tremble overnight. NO BIGGIE LOL-

Selena Gomez & The Scene - Girl Meets World (Episode 1)

Sometimes I Wonder If It Was A Dream...

It started off so great that I didn't think it would end.
Every action you take,
every word you choose seemed so harsh yet sometimes it was sweet.
As I stood here waiting for the answer,
I stare at my finger.
The one and only that is wearing a ring,
for reasons that only god knows.
While you wear the half, I wear the other half.
Yet we seemed distance since the incident.
However, tell me why do you still wear it on your finger when I came to visit you.
As I stood before you pretending nothing happen days ago between us.
You wore it with no sense of guilty yet proud to show it before everybody.
What is it that is going on between us,
would you please tell me. I'm confuse in my conclusions.
Am I playing this game only in my head?
Is this a dream I'm playing in my mind
or is it a game that we're playing right before our eyes.
So many reasons for me to ask these questions,
I'm not gonna stand here forever,
I may pretend but deep inside you stir the emotions that might strike the thunder.
Now you text her behind me,
didn't think the truth would surface,
Didn't think I would find out,
Stupid of me to let your picture stand there,
but you placed mine in the same place in yours,
believed in something when you touch me,
wasn't there something that you felt,
when you look in my eyes,
did you see a stupid girl who was falling in your trap,
I can't play this game forever,
one day I'll call it game over,
I may lose it but as long as it makes you happy,
since winning is your thing,
to egoistic to admit anything even being in the wrong,
manipulate the situation,
take advantage of my action,
so I'll leave it without a heavy heart,
wearing a smile because I knew you were never gonna be the one..
I wouldn't wonder anymore if it was a dream.

p/s: Very much raw.. but I guess it's good enough lol..

Because I'm a Girl

Have you ever heard of the song called Because I'm a Girl sang by a Korean group called KISS. Today, and almost for 3 days, I've spend thinking about the mistakes I've done. The stupidity that overpowered me to made the mistakes that I've begun to regret more and more, day by day.
There was a boy who broke my heart into small pieces. Though there was a promise made to remain friends, I find myself in pain of accepting the fact that I've humiliated myself. I didn't think of the hurt he rejected me but the hurt that I was fooled. I was betrayed and fooled by this boy who pretend he cared so much. To show my stand, pride and ego, I refuse to text him for two days. I was building my confidence and my revenge slowly only to shatter them back down again for reasons that only god knows.
The incident happen on a Friday night where I profess my heart to this boy as my friend pushed me to the limit to do so. Although unsure of my real feelings, but to be put in a place where he kept on harassing my friend and so my friend kept on harassing me, I thought you gotta try it at least once in a lifetime. So after delaying them for about a day, I finally said them in a text not saying I was head over heels but telling him that I felt something, sometimes when we're together. Although in subtle way his respond made me feel like I was desperate for a relationship. Honestly, I was not, I was enjoying being in that situation, I was still feel to roam around to see others and fall in love with others. Considering that I rush into things that night, our conversation didn't ended so well besides making a promise that we shall remain close friends as we used to and that the thing we said never happen.
Two days went by, and I hadn't bothered to text him or called him. I was determine to hold the wall up surrounding my heart. That was until my friend texted me around eight in the morning on Monday. I was about to curse him considering that he has bothered my sleep numerous time before that. As I opened the text message, my hand shiver, I couldn't feel my feet and my heart was pumping faster as if I was running. I was about to ignore the text message but read them again and as a friend I shouldn't be doing this to him. So I woke up instantly, waking up my friend along to accompany me to the clinic.
Halfway there, I thought to myself. That this is stupid. He deserved this . He didn't deserve my caring treatment towards him. Yet my cold and stone heart melt it's way as I realise I was getting closer to the destination. When we arrived there, our hopes were shattered yet maybe it was god's message that I was allowed to see him as I was a girl friend and not a boy friend. I was happy in some sort of way that I couldn't see him. Plus, I believe that it's a message from god. So I texted him, informing that I was at the waiting area but I couldn't see him because I was girl friend. When he didn't replied, I knew he was unconscious and egoistic.
Both our message was egoistic. Neither of us wanted to step down. Yet as many have known me, my heart withers easily. Sometimes I get over things so easily that it surprise me that I can put things behind and pretended as if it never happen. So after a few message, I told him if it was okay for me to call. His replied was yes. So I called him, hoping to entertain my friend that might die of boredom instead of his sickness there. Considering that I've lived in the hospital for one week and a half and it was the worst place for you to kill time. Most of the stories involve me telling him stories that might make him laugh, or asking him what he ate, what he happen, the result and etc ? I was worried as a friend. The same worry I had when my friend's little bro was admitted into the hospital and I was there to visit my grandmother. She was dying of boredom, so I went down to check on her and her lil brother.
Whatever I'm trying to say is that, because I'm a girl, is actually the reason I acted those ways. I get angry, I cry, I curse but I couldn't stand doing so for so long. Many people made use of me, friends, boys, and etc. Yet I never really learn from them. Instead I believe that god will repay me in ways that I don't expect. Since I told you I relate to this song a lot ! I will be posting the english version of the lyrics here, for you to get a clearer picture. Whatever I wish I can say to him is whatever that is written on this song.

Kiss - Because I'm a Girl ( English Version )


I just can't understand the ways,
of all the mans and all their mistakes,
you give them all your love,
and then they rip it all away,
you told me how much you love me,
and how our love is meant to be,
and I believe in you,
I thought that you would set me free,

YOu should've just told me the truth,
That I wasn't the girl for you,
Still I didn't have the clue,
So my heart depended on you,
Though I say I hate you now,
Though I shout and curse you out,
I always have love for you,
Because I am a girl,

You told the man will leave you gone,
get sick of you and run,
i know that it's no right,
I give my all still i just cry,
never again will i be fool,
to give my all when nothings true,
I won't be played again,
but i will fall in love again,

you should've told me the truth,
that i wasn't the girl for you,
still i didn't have the clue,
so my heart depended on you,
though I say i hate you now,
though i shout and curse you out,
I always have love for you,
because i am a girl,

I love you so,
now you leave me in the cold,
I burn this way ,
I thought that you only love me,
Into the night,
I will pray that you're alright,
You hurt me so ,
I just can't let you go,

YOu took advantage of my willingness,
to do anything for love,
now i'm the only one in pain,
would you please take it all away,

never thought born being a girl,
how I can love you and be burn,
now I will build the wall,
to never get torn again,
I thought I say I hate you now,
Though I shout and curse you out,
I always have love for you because i AM A GIRL,

This is you'll soon know signing out at 3.16 a.m. Thanks for reading Love ya'll.

I Need Clarity

When I entered university life, I thought things would be different. I thought I wouldn't make the same mistakes as I did before. Yet, as my mother always say, " We plan the things, but god decides" . If I were to follow my own heart to do things with an angry heart. I would march in front of this guy who hurt me, took my pride, and left me with an open wound and smack him on the face. I believe no girl should be played in a game of cat and mouse where the mouse was stupid enough to surrender without a fight.

I've heard of the phrase " There is a first in everything.", Today, would be the first time I broke my fast alone in my room, only to find myself drowning in this solitude that surrounds me. However, I didn't cry nor did I went and knock on my friends door hoping to be accepted or join them. Instead, I enjoy this time to find clarity. It was tough, since I've been surrounded by my friends most of the time I was here. I didn't have time to focus on myself, on what I want and on the real me that I was chasing. As I was surfing the net to kill my time, I stumble upon my cousin's recent post titled "Paper Boats of Emotions" . The post gave me a new idea on how to put my feelings out.

I often find myself writing lyrics to vent out what I feel. I'll grab my guitar and I will try to let go of all my emotions through paper and pen and through strumming my guitar. However, I left my guitar at home, because it was my treasure and I didn't want to risk anything happening to it. Hence, when I'm here, I find it hard to express myself. I needed to let go of something, I needed to see something that gives me something to believe in. Unlike my roommates, I do enjoy spending time gazing at the stars at night. Just recently, as I lie on that dirty badminton court, I saw a shooting a star. Within a split second it was gone. I often call it "A Second of Miracle.". When I told my friend, she told me to make a wish. Although we knew it was a stupid thing but yet it gives us hope that there might be chances of it coming true. Yet, my wish never came true, and till this day, I never did figure out the ways of me letting go of my emotions.

The First Time I Witness..

I've been to caught up in my life here that I tend to forget those beautiful things I used to cherish back at home. The laughter of my family, shooting stars, sun sets, and the break of dawn. Today, when I ran away from that place I've begun to like and now begun to hate, I found that feeling that I felt in the past. That was me, myself that I was searching and every short glimpse that I take to see myself, I wonder if that was me. So, I stopped writing and prayed to god, hoping that god would lead the way for me. In some weird connections, I felt that emptiness inside, I felt that girl who was constantly letting go of things, who took things easily. Although she dwell upon something about half out of hundred percent, she was there.
I don't know where I stand right now. This things are too messy and this would be the first time I have to deal with something like this. I enjoyed most of the time we were together. Never been treated like a real lady in most times we were together but the small things you do counts. No relationships, no string just enjoying each others company was nice. Yet, there are boundaries in it. I would feel like I have betrayed my friend though she neglected, rejected and treated you so badly. She now confesses the truth about her feelings. I play the game well this past few weeks and now I think it's saying Game Over ! Though it felt like I took the right steps but it was actually all the wrong steps. Now I must face the consequences. I know she might be aware of my heart's desire but I will move on and give her way to you. No matter, even when you said you have no feelings for her and deny them all together. The reason is, I've seen you head over heels over her and I might think that I was just a tool in this to make her notice her desire. One thing I believe, when your heart is passionate about something, it takes a long time to change. Examples are my friend and his go-kart race, I and my music, and you with her. I've done my job as I always thought I will. So the rest is up to you. No matter what happen, we're still friends just not that of a close we used to be. ;P

p/s: Boy do I sound cheesy here.. lol This is so not me... Wel at least you get to see this side of me. Enjoy !! Signing out now..

Something I Never Thought

No place in this world can be called perfect, no time could or would be enough, no words can describe everything in one word. Yet those are the things I have felt here. I smile, I laugh, I cry, and I move on. Life was never perfect and I have come to terms with it long ago that it won't be. I didn't know how I got here and how I manage all of it. But I know, one thing for sure, is that I did things that I never thought I would. I was more stronger, more adventurers, I was chasing that person I wanted to be.
Did I tell you that I was in a sketch acting as a girl named Bella who was really snobbish, the girl they call the "it " girl. There were some problems in between rehearsals and before the big day arrived but I thought I did okay in facing it. Acting in front of a crowd. Something I have never done before. It felt good and great all at the same time. The butterflies in my stomach was there but in a way it was also giving me the strength that I must face it. On that stage and on that day, I did my best. That day would be part of history in remembering myself as the person who did something she ever thought she would. I had also entered the news reading competition but I was sure that I was about to be disqualified because of the little time I used. However, all in all, I'm proud to say my class won 3 prizes. No 1 and 3 for news reading and No 1 on talent time in singing.
During the time I was rehearsing for my sketch, I had sign up to become a cheerleader. Believe or not? It's the last thing I ever thought I would be considering my past and how I was being looked down on. Yet there was that feeling my heart that told me to take the chance. "Whatever happens, you did your best and at least you did something you never thought you would." that was the voice that was whispering. So I did, I took on the challenge and tried to memorized all the steps in 4 days. Thought the first dance wasn't so good since I had little practice on that but the 2nd dance was the best !!! On that big day, I was so nervous that I mess up my first dance steps. Thanks to god, I did well on my second one and it felt great. The crowd was stunt with our performance. My college did the best cheer ever among the rest. Most people praise us for the great performance. So what do you know, the girl who thought she was that looser, has added cheer-leading to her resume.
Than we had the mass communication induction day. It was a hell of a fun day to spend with everybody. I was in the pink group called the Pink Panther. We had games that will provide us marks to determine which group would win. I had join a game called blow the flour where you are to blow the flour and grab the sweets in the flour that you have found with your mouth and place them under the chair. I had flour all over my face and my mouth tasted of flour. At the end of the day, we all gathered together to learn the mass communication applause I would say. It was cute and it was fun ! Than we all were covered by flour by our seniors. Some of you might say that's crazy and irrelevant but I would say that it was hell of a fun thing. Everybody was covered in flour and we all looked like ghosts walking around. There were laughter's surrounding me and I smile at the thought of it. It was fun and a great activity to do. Honestly, I don't mind doing again.
So far those were the highlight moments here in my University. :D

Love

In the silence of the room, as I listen to The Rose by Westlife my head wonders off to a place that only I can imagine. Why do we search for love? Why do we hunger for them? Why is it called a need in our lives? Nobody can answer them. You want love from someone, but how does it feel like to seek love from someone and received them from somebody else. It feels like your heart has been stab and you are torn between angry, stupidity and confuse. Like a wrong step has been taken and you can't go on until you figure them out.
Sometimes in a crowded room I can sense everything that is surrounding me. Happiness among friends, sadness among friends, lovers in love, and pretenders that pretend they don't have a problem like I am. Yet my smile never wither though my head runs through things that needs to be done. Living in the present is important and enjoying them with friends is great. However, it is always going to be there, that problem which lingers in your mind.
During that time you would think about love. The love you felt among your family and among your friends. So different that you began to realise the power of a family's love and the specialty of friends love.
I have been here for almost a month and I began to realise the hardship. So many things to tell and so many things to say. But I will let you know soon.

Life is Full Of Fear That We Overcome...

Weeks ago, I would say and beg that I would like to go home instead of staying here. Staying here means away from my comfort zone, away from my family, away from the worry of being in my home and away from the people I normally see. However, I realise the benefits of staying here. I've grown so much and in the tight schedule of my life here, I didn't have time to worry about home. I know you might think that it's bad but honestly, I worry for something else nowadays. I worry about my assignment, I worry about being late to school and I worry that I don't have enough time to wash my clothes. I realise that I worry like a normal teenage girl who is growing up into an adult.
Speaking of growing up, I realise that the decisions I make nowadays are mature and it surprises me. I began to face my fear by pushing myself into something new. Which is great considering that the course I'm taking requires me to join so many events in order to get great marks. It's fun and it's scary here. Most of the seniors are nice too here. I like that they are confident which gives me hope that I might build up mine in the period of time I was here.
Well I gotta go rush to rehearsal now. Wish me luck ! Love ya'll

BREATHING UNDERWATER OFFICIAL TRAILER

Adapting

As my journey began, another ends, I realise life isn't as easy as smiling, and even to smile, it takes effort. Yet everyday I try until I reach my limit where trying was not an option anymore.
The thing about going away is that, you tend to loose yourself, your identity, who you are, and where you came from but sometimes it benefits you. Different places bring different emotions, a new start, a beginning, discover something in you that you never thought you had. I admit, the first two weeks was the hardest time of my life but I got my inspiration to write lyrics again. Which in a way felt so good. I began to love my hometown even more than I did before. It's different how you feel when you're away from home and when you come back you seem to love it more.
As promise, I will update you all on my whole new beginning. Honestly I have some pretty exciting news. I didn't think that I wanted to write it here but I guess why not make it interesting. I look up to musicians who share their life experience through music, make them to relate to other people, create them because they want to share it with the world. Recently I found that musician that I look up to, actually I found out about her about 2 years ago but I became her true fan after the release of her second album titled Breathing Underwater. You guess it, it's Marie Digby. I became interested in her because I can relate to some of her music and she has inspired me that dreams can come true. Whoever, wherever, or whenever everything is possible. So I've subscribe to her youtube account about a year ago and found out about her short series that I've been waiting patiently for months. I checked them out and thought I tweeted that I was watching her on abcmusiclounge.com and thought she was great. I honestly wanted to buy her DVD. Things happen when you least expect them to happen. Marie Digby actually replied to me !!! She said " ahhh i hope you're enjoying it !! " That totally made my day !! So that's the story... For now..

Miss You

Maybe there was a wall that I built in my heart, surrounding it with vines with sharp thorns. I hid behind those walls, my comfort zone, my safe ground and a place where hurt and pain never exist. I was strong, I was ready, I got used to it. Never knew how to communicate, never let anybody in, never trust anyone so easily, never let a man in. The reason was, I've been hurt by so many men in my life. So I shut the door and I move on. I took the pieces and paste them back only to protect it even more.
However today, because of the wall I've built, I didn't realise the beauty that was behind it. I haven't felt his love for so long, his caring and when he showed it, I didn't know it, I didn't see it, I didn't want to accept it. I was so scared to get hurt over and over again so many times like he did before. Somehow in that moment, I shatter half the wall to let the sun in. That's when I realise how much I've miss him all this years. I've miss him being there, I've miss his hug, his attention, and so many more things. Yet even in that situation, my body stood still, confused in that moment. If I could tell you one thing is that I love you so much and no matter how much you hurt me, I love you and I miss you.

Inspired By : Dishwalla - Candleburn.
p/s: raw but it was what I felt.

A New Beginning

On Friday morning like this I would still be sleeping in the comfortable bed. Today, I'm getting ready to go off to next phase of my life. Entering a whole new world, where risk are higher, and you take a chance at every step you take. As promise I'll update this blog, telling you my life in my new world..

Selena Gomez - Round and Round Music Video sneak peak !

Disney Friends For Change

As you all have read in the papers, seen on billboards, and saw on the news, climate changes makes our Earth temperature increases. Many animals loose their habitat, hence their species began to disappear by the generations. Like polar bears, seals, and penguin are used to living in a cold place but if the the climate changes increases drastically these animals will die and our future generation won't be able to witness these beautiful and unique animals.


By taking a small action you can make a big difference. There are many ways for us to help. You could volunteer to pick up the trashes at the beach, gather your friends together to plant trees, recycle, buy batteries that state it's Ni-Mh which is rechargeable, using reusable bag instead of asking for a plastic bag or maybe as little as bringing a stainless steel bottle around instead of buying a water bottle in the store. You can learn more about this by visiting website that will provide you with information on how you can help or you can visit or join Disney Friends For Change. There they will provide you ways on how you can help, make you realise that the little things you do can make a big difference to Earth. You can take pledges and vote towards making our Earth a better place to live in. Here is the link or you can find the link at my Link Box under Disney Friend For Change.

Link = http://disney.go.com/projectgreen/index.html
You may also watch two videos that was created for Friends For Change which is in my top playlist on my "Music I Listen To" box. With one little action, a chain reaction will never stop.

Pretty Little Liars

New interesting series.. coming June 8th only on ABC channel

How Do I Think This Over..

How do you stop your heart from falling in love with someone. How do you do that?? I am thinking all of this at 1.28a.m . It sounds crazy but I just thought I had to blog it. It feels like a rebound but than again neither of them have feelings for me so how do I get over this feeling..??

Time Fly To the Best of Life.

You know when people say "Cherish your life, cherish your friends and family and cherish times of being young", you should do that. Being young comes once in a lifetime and once it's gone there's no coming back from all of it. You gotta do what you gotta do and fight the fights that comes to you. I'm glad I did it, I'm glad that even though I was not popular or in everybody's good list in school, I'm glad that I have created memories with my friends that I'm able to cherish this moment.
For every hard things that I had to go through, I can sit here today and think back with a smile on my face of the memories that I got from my past. Memories like for my 17th birthday, I got my heart broken but when I entered the library for my meeting with my librarian mates, I found something I'm glad to have. I don't need big presents to make me smile, I don't need someone to throw me a big party, having them there singing a Happy Birthday song to me was more than enough to make me so happy. I can smile because I know that's the best birthday present ever that I received that day. Furthermore, a day after my birthday my friend threw me a surprise birthday party at the park. I felt so happy that I couldn't really express them in words. On my 16th birthday, I fell sick and wasn't able to go to school. It felt like no one, as in no one remembered my birthday. That evening around 3 in the afternoon I received a call from someone I never expected to receive. My friend Emma who was in boarding school, manage to find time in the busy schedule that was set up for her to call me and wish me happy birthday. On the day I was admitted in the hospital my friend, Emma was suppose to head to her boarding school but she delayed her trip and went to visit me first in the hospital before she left.
It's not the things you get for people that matters the most, it's the thought that you remembered them is a huge deal. I remembered the day when my friend came to my house when I was down. I didn't need to tell her but she knew that she needed to be there for me. She calls me her hero but I call her the best friend a person could ever have. We never knew we were going to be close but honestly we fought so bad when we were 13 that looking back at the memories we wonder how childish our minds were. We were what they call young minds. young adults and teenagers.
I'm glad that I manage to change my mind in time to appreciate everything in time. I'm glad that I didn't let myself be a fool as to not enjoy myself in high school or I would have regretted it today. I did enjoy every second of it, the good, the bad, the drama, and even the chaotic puppy love that goes around. Believe me, that at the end of the day everything will matter but in a very good way in the future. If you're in high school, I suggest you do your best. Venture yourself into something you never thought you would. Join the clubs, be the student body community, maybe an athlete. Do something that will give you a challenge, something that makes you face your fear. I don't mean it like drugs, drinks, and sex because that is something that will surely ruin you but in something that is healthy. I face my fear in joining the library community and I regretted it at first but you know what, I don't regret it anymore because I achieved everything I never thought I would. You know why? I got to be on stage more times than I thought I would be, having friends that were precious to me, learning a new thing like survival, and the best of all get your picture taken with the best people that you have shared your memory with. That picture will be remembered and when you look back you would think of the best things that happen there. Even the worst things would turn to the funniest things.
Now, I'm going to be 18 and a new chapter in my life will start soon. I'm going to college soon well university soon. There, I know I gotta learn new things, handle things, stand on my own feet and try my best. So maybe I will learn new things there, more survival kit needed and more things to settle with. Like I said you gotta fight the fights. There's no turning back here, you are out of school and it's a scary place to be in. The road diverts to many and it's whether you choose the right one or not. In 5 years time or 3 years time after I receive my diploma and degree and I'll tell you how I feel. How I look back? I'm guessing or I'm hoping I can help you all. Anyway good luck in your life. Signing off is you'll soon know. ;P
p/s: Hold on to this poem if you find yourself lost. It always helps me and I never regret following it. Ida Scott Taylor once wrote "Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering"

Lost, Fear and Scared

I see leaves flying above the air together. I see the sun shinning so bright lighting the skies in caribbean blue. I see a little girl dressed in pink and she was dancing around with no worries. I closed my eyes and breathe in the soft warm air that surrounded me. I was five again, where nothing was too hard to handle, problems was as easy as to reach things or climb the stairs. Tears filled my eyes, the world was a less fearful place to be in. The world was much simpler than. The world was considered safe with no worries. Probably because the worries and fears were carried by my parents, my older sibling or by others.

I cry, because I miss those years and those moments. The moment I felt bliss because I didn't have to go through a single problem. I cry inside. Nowadays when darkness approaches I thought to myself alone in sadness. Where am I? Where will I be in the coming years to come? Where was I before? The day was coming to an end and the sun began to set. I see beautiful colours in the sky ! They call it Twilight, beautiful that words cannot describe. Are you scared? The change of the weather, the world, the mentality? Cruelty that affects people, lost children, lost soul, lost lives, and lost hope. Life is so short, death surrounds you without you even noticing it. You could get a call saying he or she passed away and you're heart stopped beating for awhile. Everything began to drown in you.

I walked down this beach as dawn approaches. A new day has begun for me and I began to fear the new day. So scared of the future. I tried to grasp in everything that was around me. The sound of the sea, the feel of the sand against my feet, the cool morning breeze that send chills to my body. In my heart I asked god, whether I can go through this or not? The journey is still long but I fear of it a lot. Will I make it?

"Inspired by The Lovey Bones and the soundtrack"

Crapping but Defending

I never really knew how to live my life. Some says I go with the flow but I really don't. Sometimes I wonder if people really look at the world through the same window as I do. Like when you see a red colour do you see a green but you register it as red? I'm not making any sense I know, but that's what I mean. I love happy endings though there's none in life. I have a problem of reading a book halfway and skipping it to the few pages before the story ends just to check whether it ends happily. The truth is I would like to be prepare. If it ends sadly I can prepare myself, if it ends happily I can feel safe and secure. You see what I mean? I bake or cook when I'm stress but don't see myself as a chef. I'm very modern and at times people say I would love to know how does being in love feels like but I say I would love to know how feeling broken up does? I'm a sulker for music but I can't stand heavy metal where people screams ! People tell me to forget him because he uses me but I stayed friends because I feel like it's the right thing to do and his not to blame I am in the first place. You see? I'm complicated. (lol)
I can see a leaf falling and instantly I get scenes in my head. I can hear a certain music and instantly I see the flashing images. It's odd sometimes but at times those scenes are what is memorable to me. It is what makes me happy.
Well whatever it is this is me. This is me crapping at 1.14 in the morning.

You Were Never Replaced.

I was walking alone watching the sun as it began to set. The cool breeze sends smile to my face. I let my hair go from the tight rubber that was holding it up, and my hair went wild as the wind blows. I close my eyes and every senses apart from my eyes was active. The softness of the wind sends chill to my skin. A soft whisper from the wind reminded me of him every minute. Slowly I began to walk towards the sea still with my eyes closed. When my feet touches the water, it reminded me of the day we walked side by side by this very sea. The sound of the waves and the birds in the sky felt so close to me. You felt close to me. It seemed like it happened yesterday but it was 3 years ago. It's amazing that I'm still standing here fighting the barriers and holding my tears every year.

I felt your presence there when you hugged me from the back. You wouldn't let me turn around but I knew it was you. Slowly I opened my eyes and slowly I tried to touch your hand on my shoulder and you disappeared. Tears form in my eyes and I tried as hard as possible to stop it. The heart ache was there, fresh and painful as hell. You used to be there but why did you go? I couldn't move on because it was you who saw me. My flaws was perfection to you, my laugh was a melody to you, my smile sends you flying with joy, my eyes made you weak, my weight was nothing, and the best of all when I'm me, you find it amusing and amazing. You were proud to call me your girl and you knew when I'm down. You showed up at my doorstep with a smile on your face and an ice cream for me to taste. Everytime a different flavour. Everytime with a new music to cheer me up. So tell me, why I should move on when nobody was good enough like you.

(This scene was playing in my head as I was listening to the song Justin Bieber - That Should Be Me. Don't ask me why but yeah the characters was playing inside my head and I just wanted to write it down. So since I haven't yet installed microsoft words therefore I only get to write it on my blog and you all get a chance to read it. Hope you enjoy it. Bear in mind that it's raw so it's not so good.)

Ramona and Beezus

I have heard of this movie since middle of last year. Based on a bestselling book, Ramona and Beezus written by Beverly clearly has sold over more than 30 million and still counting. I haven't bought the book yet but I'm interested in buying it. Ramona and Beezus which is set to premiere in cinema on July 23rd 2010 will be starring Selena Gomez as Beezus and Joey King as Ramona. After watching the trailer, it would be a good home movie to watch with your loved ones but I can't judge just yet till I watch the movie.
I would say, Ramona and Beezus basicly is story about two sisters who just can't get along. As they go through life and days of fights and misunderstandings, Beezus began to see the good side of Ramona rather than the troublesome kid who always brings her trouble. Here's Ramona and Beezus Trailer. Hope you enjoy them.

From Where I Stand

It's been a good and average 17 years of my life. Now, I'm going into the next phase where the burden of responsibility is even more, the path of your life is important, plus what I decide, determines where you I'll be in the future. I'm so used to a straight road that truthfully, when I came to a junction I have to wait and weight each one. Which is best and which would benefit more? Though I have chose the ideal college I would love to go to, I still have barriers that I have to go through. Where I stand may look easy but sometimes the choices isn't really in my hand. I would love to dream big, though many have told me that it isn't possible, I still imagine myself at that place with the instruments and the voice of cheering people. Than, when reality strikes, I began to wonder whether my dream should only be left as a dream. Never in my life have I felt nothing, nothing at all in me, but this was the first time. It's a feeling that kills me because now I truly know what people meant when they say, they rather feel pain than nothing at all. I felt it and honestly it's quite close to a failure's feeling. Like you're lost and you don't even know where you are or what you should do. All your movements are paralyzed and you think about everything weighing the problem and the obstacles. I pray to god nevertheless but sometimes I wish he would give a straight answer. Tell me that I will reach the end of it and soon realise that everything wasn't so bad. I pray...

Alice In Wonderland.

Today I finally get to watch the one movie I've been looking forward to for weeks. As a present from my sister she brought me, my mom and herself to watch Alice in Wonderland. She bought the Gold Class ticket and I was beyond happy when I found out. As I tuck myself comfortably inside the thick quilt I wait for the movie to start. I can feel my heart waiting for the movie to start.

Alice in Wonderland, famous with two sentence, "Off with their heads !" or " You're late for tea !" . Existed since the 1950's and still a classic tale to be told to the younger generations till this day. The new Alice in Wonderland takes place when Alice turn 19 years old and has gotten a proposal from a lord with digestion problem. The movie was funny, unique, classic, and the best. When I first saw Alice, I thought she couldn't be more pale than she already is but the actress did an amazing job as Alice. I try to keep my thoughts empty while trying to understand the whole story-line again. The last time I watch Alice in Wonderland, I remembered that I was confuse at the end of the movie. Probably because I was a toddler then and now that I'm more mature, I might understand it more. Therefore, through out the movie I watch closely as each of the actors play their roles. Anne Hathaway as the White Queen, Mia Wasikoska as Alice, Johnny Depp as Mad Hatter.

Overall, I would say they deserve an applause. There were only two characters that really caught my attention. Not that others didn't, but I would say this two characters will be remembered most aside from Alice the main character. One would be the Mad Hatter played by Johnny Depp and second, would be the Cheshire Cat played by Stephen Fry. Johnny Depp did an excellent job playing Mad Hatter, he delivered the character like he has lived his life as one before. How caring and protective he is towards Alice could be seen through his eyes when he looked at Alice. How sad he sounded when he had to say goodbye to Alice. I adore the relationship that existed between Alice and Mad Hatter. I could feel his emotion and a part of me wished that things ended differently . Honestly, after watching the trailer and before watching the movie, the Mad Hatter would be the last character that thought I will remember, or so I thought. However, I have to admit Johnny Depp is an excellent actor not to mention good looking. He even managed to laugh and act like he was mad, I mean mad in the head like he has gone bonkers. That shows how talented he was. I would love to elaborate more but I'm afraid I might spoil the story for those of you who haven't gotten the chance to watch.

Shall we move on to the Cheshire Cat. So creepy yet so adorable in a way. His smiles that lit up his face was one in I think ever. I doubt anybody can smile like that except for jokers and clowns but not normal people. The Cheshire Cat, always seem to portrays himself as if he doesn't care yet he still helped in ways that he can. This is what I can see in the movie. I like that he appears at random time and speaks as if his constantly calm. Makes me think if he takes yoga in his spare time. Those big adorable eyes always makes me wish that I had a cat like him. Apart from that I would say, without Cheshire, Alice in Wonderland wouldn't be complete.

Every role that is in the story plays an important part, even the scary and lunatic rabbit with his famous sentence " You're late for tea ! ". The flowers that can talk, walking cards, the wise caterpillar, and the small mouse. Each one of them contribute something to the movie that makes it so unique in it's on way. The whole time period I was watching the movie, it felt like I was in their world, like the world existed in some ways. This is all because of each and everyone of the characters.

If you are looking for something different to watch and still a little young at heart, you should watch this. Alice in Wonderland is a must watch movie, it's classic yet beautifully put together to send a message. Which has been what Disney has been good at. Make a date with Cheshire Cat and experience having a mad bestfriend like Mad Hatter. I know I wouldn't mind having one. I'm just beyond happy to finally get to watch it and I don't mind going again. Except I want to watch in 3D of course.

Here's a music video of Alice in Wonderland's soundtrack sang by Avril Lavigne.